2003-03-22
11:46 a.m.

Research Group Formed

There I was, putting laundry away and tut-tutting over the various pitch and lack-of-personality problems The New Kids on the Chopping Block were exhibiting. Then the first note of Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on You sounded. The powerful emanations made me weak in the knees and I collapsed. Luckily, the bed was right there or I’d be writing from the convalescent home.

My fellow Lecherous Broads and Broadsters, let me introduce myself: I am Chandra Watkins. By day, I write science news for an esteemed international organization. By the rest of the time, I try to figure out what this obsession is and how and why it has taken over my life. Where once I used to google terms like “diacylglycerol,” I now google “Clay Aiken.” What’s up with that?

Because I am involved in science and because we live in troubled times, I have taken it upon myself to investigate the nature of Clayton Aiken’s effect on the population. It is conceivable that there is more to this story than the simple hunger for a Sweet Piece of Southern Pie. Without wishing to be alarmist, I ask you to observe yourself carefully for signs of possible tampering by foreign forces. To help us get to the root of this widespread phenomenon, I have formed a foundation and will be conducting research on the mechanism of C.A.’s action.

Stay tuned for further reports from the Committee for Limiting Aiken Yearning (CLAY).

Chandra Watkins