2003-04-30
5:26 p.m.

Spooky Sedaka and a Hefty Recap

First off - I gotta say that scarier than even Scary Trenyce is Neil Sedaka and his blinding white Perma-Smile. He seriously reminded me of one of those audio-animatronic Disneybots they got there down in Orlando. And what was going on with his reading his own comments to the finalists? Am I the only one who noticed that? The dude is seriously like this crazy amalgamation of Jim Nabors, Barbara Billingsley and Al Gore. To be certain, Sedaka has written some great songs. But he's wack, y'all. For real. He's a serious goober.

Chandra ended up with the far better and more appropriate analogy, re: Ruben, but my first thought when he came out there in that brown ensemble was: "Giant Swedish Meatball." Truly, the biggest Swedish Meatball there ever was. And he hit some clunkers last night too, which were conveniently overlooked by the judges. Ruben could go out there in a Hefty bag and sing from the side panel of a box of Special K and he'd still get a tongue-bath from them. I hate to say it, but I am weary of Ruben. Next!

Trenyce never should have been let anywhere near "Love Will Keep Us Together." As far as I am concerned, the only person allowed to sing that song other than Toni Tenille is my sister. And since most of the general population will never hear my sister belt this song with her usual formidable gravelly gusto, you're just going to have to take my word on this. And I agree with Simon -- Trenyce in her little ersatz Pucci outfit looked just like a bad drag queen. Most of the drag queens I know wouldn't be caught dead in a fake Pucci. Next!

Josh. What can be said of Josh and his strained, urgent delivery? "Eat more fiber?" I should like very much to see Josh get the ol' heave-ho tonight; I am tired of people making excuses for him and the fact that he sings every song he's given like Garth Brooks with a stopped-up pooper. Flexibility is key -- the boy is about as flexible as a speed bump. Next!

To quote Randy Jackson - I wasn't feelin' Kim last night, yo. I think she performed adequately.

Okay, last night Clay just blew 'em all out of the water. Jesus H., I was this close to licking the t.v. screen. He's dropped that musical theatre over-enunciation once and for all and rounded out all those consonants so very nicely. So very, very nicely. Oh. He makes me so happy, he does. Fuck it -- he could go out there in the Hefty bag.

Discuss.

-Lisa