2003-08-31
9:10 p.m.

BEVR: Michelle/Seattle

Broad's Ear View Report: Michelle/Seattle

THE RETURN OF THE CELLCERT BEVR

OR

HOW I LEI'D CLAY

The day began with the first mass transit strike on Oahu in over 30 years and I, of course, am a bus rider. That aside, my stepdaughter picked me up after work and I informed her that we needed to get home toute suite cuz I had a phone date with Heather and Clayton. We got stuck in the hugest traffic jam (with an additional 240,000 former bus riders now in their cars). I'm yelling "PUNCH IT - PUNCH IT! You can clear that yellow light!" and "Don't you DARE let that car cut in front of us!" Finally got over the mountains and home and hubby informs me that no, Heather hasn't called, but he's had a bunch of prank calls with nothing but noise and screaming. Now I'M screaming "NOOOOO - that was Heather!!!" He replies, "Well, I hung up on her 5 or 6 times then." NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

FAST FORWARD - Thanks to the incredible sweetness of Heather (a Broad among Broads!) I was able to hear the entire second half of the show. Here's how it went:

SCREEEEECH! Krrrrrrr - MICHELLE - krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - SCREEECH!!! - CLAY - krrrrrrrrrr - HE - krrrrrrrrr. (Loses signal). Ring - SCREEEECH!!! - krrrrrr..... My stepdaughter's 3 1/2-year-old who says Clay is her husband is listening the whole time on another phone. When Heather would squeal, little Abigail would hold the phone away from her ear and say "Ow, that hurts my ear!" I told her it was just that ding dang Heather and she was REALLY HAPPY. At one point Heather hit a high note directly into the cell phone that shattered all the glass in my house. Mostly I laughed with the great joy that only Baby can bring me, and yelled at Heather to save her battery - I did not need to hear Bootylicious or No Ruben - but she never heard me. I did have a mystical experience with CYFTLT, as the audience actually quieted down and listened. He sounded beautiful, just beautiful.

Heather also kept me updated on their adventures and assured me that my note with a donation to Bubel/Aiken was safely delivered directly backstage! The envelope said (in "Broad" purple ink: "Aloha Clayton - from a Lecherous Broad in Hawaii." The beginning of my message inside said: The word "aloha" means many more things than "hello" and "farewell" - it means love, affection, kindness, compassion, grace. You embody the spirit of aloha*

*besides being a talented, gorgeous, incredibly sexy man (WHOOPS! That was the Broad coming out!)"

MICHELLE'S BIG "O" --- SCREEEEECH!!!! Heather: "HE PICKED UP THE LEI! HE'S PUTTING ON THE LEI! HE'S WEARING YOUR LEI!!!!! YOU LEI'D CLAY!!! WE ARE AWESOME!!!" 'Nuff said. It wasn't until The Great Cellcert was over that it hit me - he wore my lei. I will have pictures. I began to hyperventilate. This was probably the longest-distance lay ever! FYI, the lei was specially selected - "Broad" purple and white orchids.

It wasn't until reading the concert reports on the message boards later that night (and in the newspapers the next day!) that I learned that the combined efforts of Heather, KA, and Michelle prompted Baby to utter those incredible words "Hey, I got lei'd!"

Later that night, my family and I stood outside with our neighbors, awestruck, looking at Mars. I wondered aloud if some phenomenon like this was what the Star of Bethlehem was. We all were chatting about how we'll never again see anything of this magnitude, anything shining so brightly again in our lifetime. And I thought - that is what the world will say of Clay.

Mahalo nui to Heather, KA, and all the Broads and Tony for your wit, inspiration, support, and bravado. To you all, I offer what I offered in my note to Baby:

me ke aloha pumehana, 'anela (with warmest affection, angel(s)).

Michelle

-Note from Nelle: You, too, can participate in the LBFCA Summer Series, and have your Broad's Eye View Report, or, for any other Brude's out there, your Summary of Clay, about Clay's Summer Concert Tour on the LBFCA Main Page. Just send it to Nelle via email, and she'll post it ASAP. (If you are a lurker, or otherwise wish to remain anonymous, just let me know that in your email). Don't worry about your BEVR not being the same size or looking the same as anyone elses. Here at LBFCA we celebrate diversity. Every BEVR is unique. This is your personal experience of witnessing what Katynka so gloriously described as "a little hockey-jersey-clutchin,' white-leather-wearin,' DTTR revealin,' mic-flickin,' thigh-strokin,' eye-f***ing, smokin,' jokin,' singin,' hunk-o-burnin' libido."