2003-09-02
5:54 p.m.

BEVR: Dr in NC/Anaheim

Broad's Eye View Report: Dr in NC/Anaheim

This quite possibly could be the biggest BEVR ever written, but since it celebrates the last concert in the Clay Aiken and Friends 2003 Summer Tour perhaps it deserves to be. I hereby absolve MnM from the responsibility of writing a BEVR for Anaheim since she hates writing and she was with me the whole time anyway. The first paragraph was written before I left NC and the rest are my thoughts as of the EARLY morning hours on Sept 2. There will be minimal review of the supporting cast - like y'all care, but there will also be some ramblings about fan behavior and these opinions are my own. This account will jump around quite a bit, but I hope it all makes sense in the end. I'm basically going to list the main points. I welcome MnM to add any comments or pictures (oh, can that girl take pictures). I am slightly anal-retentive and would never assume my BEVR was perfect. On with the main event!

Whatever happens it's all Erin's fault. Ever since her BEVR and her boyfriend's excellent advice, I have felt cheated. I went to the Richmond concert with a friend (Clay's high school teacher - read my Richmond BEVR if you're interested) and while I had a good time I was reserved for my friend's sake. I did not get to scream until I was hoarse or act half my age. I think instead I acted twice my age. So, I got this urgin' to see Clay again and to do it right this time. I started looking up flight prices to Anaheim and telling Mr. Dr. that I was just dreaming because I would never get good enough tickets to go....and then I became a Ticketmaster stalker. After securing 3 floor tickets - all 12th or 13th row - and securing MnM as an accomplice, I broke it to Mr. Dr. that I would be going. Within 12 hours I had a plane ticket, a hotel room, and a convertible Eclipse. At this point I should say Mr. Dr. has been very accommodating and even paid for my plane ticket. He does however feel that this trip will "get it out of my system." Um, no. I spent the next 3 days getting very little sleep, making signs, securing plenty of NC barbeque for all attending to enjoy, and e-mailing everyone on God's creation (particularly Marie whom I e-mailed about 10,000 times in one night), culminating on Fri. night when I stayed up until 3:30am because that's when I had to leave to catch my plane.

1. HOTEL - Oh, where to start. Let's begin with my hotel. I stayed at the Anaheim Marriott. The Idols did not. This was OK with me; however there was a Jon Benet Parade going on and this disturbed me VERY much. If anyone lets his or her child or grandchild participate, I'm sorry, but it just frightens me. So, I got Pretty Pony Princesses everywhere for two days. I imagine this is how KimberMe started her career.

2. THIS IS CALLED A CONCERT - It seems like almost everyone has said this, but our crowd SUCKED!! I stood up for Charlie's song and the chick behind me asked if I was going to stand up the whole time. My response - see the title of this paragraph.

3. FANS?!? - This is where the story turns a little dark. Let me say I am all for being "Fan Girlie" and Lecherous, but there is a time and place for everything under heaven and there are some fans that scare me. Someone next to me on the plane on one of my MANY legs was from "another board." She has a job with a hotel chain. She checked every city the Idols were in to see if they were staying at that chain's hotel and if they were she alerted her friends who were going to the concert. At this point I was scared to talk to her. This is all kinds of wrong to me. The moment when my feelings really changed though was the Meet and Greet. No, I did not get to go, we just watched the buses and talked to Jerome and observed the other fans. We were walking up the sidewalk as the buses arrived (MnM has impeccable timing - you go girl). I was walking along thinking this is cute, we'll get to see them wave from the bus. Then we round the corner of the stadium and there is a small crowd ~30 people. As soon as they spot the buses, which are still moving in the driveway trying to get to their parking spaces, these people start running. They are jumping at the side of the bus, waving flowers (like Clay is going to stop the bus, hop off, get their flower, maybe marry them in a quickie ceremony or something, right), teddy bears, signs, I felt sick. I suddenly didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be seen with these people (not MnM by the way - she is very well behaved). I have never wanted a bottle of Valium and a dart gun so bad. I could truly understand why Clay would be so scared of his fans. It made me want to cry. Then, sweet southern boy that he is, he gets off (easy Wendy) the bus and waves like these are the most normal people in the world. God Bless this Man! So, we meander over to the Meet and Greet spot. Jerome comes out and MnM converses - more later, it leads to a whole other adventure. This also pissed me off. Every person that has an autistic child, every person that has cancer or is sick, or has a loved one who is sick - CLAY AIKEN OWES YOU NOTHING!!!!! He cannot grant a 15-minute meeting with every troubled or sick person he has touched. He is only one person. Another thing, healthy people who want to spend the money to go to 7 concerts - CLAY AIKEN OWES YOU NOTHING!!!!! You chose to spend the money, it was not a bribe to get a meet and greet pass. At this point I'm thinking these people need stronger drugs than I have access to - they need white coats. OK, rant over.

4. SECURITY - GOOD COP, BAD COP - If you dress like a ho you are guaranteed a pass from Ron (chief of security). I have seen it happen. I also let him know about my plane mate and her antics, in case they wanted to register under different names next year. He said that the Idols wanted all the attention and that he never listed their specific room numbers, so it was cool. OK Ron, if you want those kind of fans there - great! That's why thank God there is...Jerome! How does this man do it? He is so sweet to the fans. They make constant demands of him and he just politely tells them "No" or answers their questions. Clay, he deserves a raise.

5. THE THONG HEARD ROUND THE WORLD! - Someone besides Clay finally got a thong. Sweet Charlie got a lime green thong! He was sooo excited! He said, "Clay always gets the panties. He's gotten them the whole tour. Now I got some!!"

6. I DO BELIEVE MY TOES ARE NOW SPIT SHINED! - Act 1 - Ok, nothing new except in addition to the annoying, "Are you having fun (fill in your city here)!" we also got a round of foot kissing, "Thank you for voting for me and giving me this opportunity!" from EVERY Idol. Listen up! The only one who needed to thank me was Clay because he was the only one I voted for. The rest of you are not there because of me! And all Clay has to do is sing, that is "Thanks!" enough. They were sweet, but they were holding up Clay.

7. TITN - Beautiful. I could not move during the song. I did however hold up my sign after the song and it got on the jumbotron! Simply said, "SOUTHPORT, NC LOVES CLAY". 'Tis true. Clay got a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and said, "As if my ears aren't big enough..." and put them on to introduce Ruben. Then he was gone.

8. I LOVE ME SOME BARBEQUE - As we all know Clay LOVES his BBQ. MnM had mentioned going to the PRoC picnic before the concert, so I carted ~5# of BBQ, 40 hushpuppies and 1/2 gallon of sweet tea through 4 airports in order to educate these people. Well, we went to the Meet and Greet, so here I am with all this BBQ and no picnic. So, MnM mentions to Jerome that I have BBQ for Clay. He says to bring it to the concert and bring it to him at the stage. He also says if security gives you any trouble, tell them to call Jerome and "I'll straighten it out." Well, of course we get 10 feet from the purse check area and get stopped. I tell them to call Jerome. "Who's Jerome?" Now I know I am not dealing with bright people. I say, "Clay's bodyguard." "Who's Clay?" Now I know I am dealing with lab experiments. "Well, Jerome put his foot in it!" These people have no idea who they are messing with. We get shuttled over to the concierge entrance where I am forced to leave my cooler because they say they can't find Jerome. I get inside see Jerome next to the stage and tell him what has happened and he sends me with a sweet security guard I call "Switzerland" because he is not employed by the Pond or by AI - he is neutral, to retrieve my stash. It does not happen. I do save Jerome from the advances of the fans though because I have started WW3 between the rent a cops and Jerome. There is much talking backstage. Meanwhile, Swiss and I go back to the concierge area and get my cooler because his boss is no longer there. We walk it back to stage left and the sweetie takes it backstage with my instructions he is to give it to no one but Jerome. I saw Jerome later when I was going to the bathroom and he said Clay had just gotten it. I did put a note in there, but after all the fan business earlier in the day, it did not say anything about my seat number, address or phone number, etc that it probably would have if I hadn't been "moved" be the days' earlier events. I told him I had brought the BBQ to educate his fans, but if it helped to ease his homesickness until he could get back to "God's country", I was glad. I also told him how hot it has been in NC and gave him the pertinent college football scores from the day before (this is important stuff in NC). I wanted to give him a little bit of home with no strings attached. I told him to take care of himself and wished him all the best. I truly hope it made him happy.

9. MISS MAMA FAYE - Yup, she was in the house, along with little bro. Jerome had to protect her during intermission - she got mobbed! And then he posted a rent a cop next to her row for the rest of the show. She was 3rd row right side, the best seats she had ever had.

10. SOUND CHECK - While Jerome was arguing with rent cops I called Wendy in Fl and Marie to make sure my cell phone had reception. Later, Wendy, of course, got to hear the last rendition of "Lady is a Tramp" (and "Bootilicious", but who cares about that) and Marie heard "To Love Somebody." One, or the other, or both, make me laugh every day and that deserves a long distance cell phone call! At this time, I also talked to Katherine from the Upper Level and met and hugged Mitzy. Broads are so great!

11. THEY BE FORNICATIN' ON STAGE (AND IN FRONT OF HIS MAMA TOO!) - Oh my God! There is not one "family friendly" thing about what Clay and Carmen were doing to each other. It is very obvious Clay isn't shy around Miss Faye because after that display there may be a red haired goat baby in about 9 months. I know for a fact that a PRoCer has video taken from the side seats and they say there is some mighty powerful thrust action going on. Moving on.

12. AVALANCHE! - Beginning of TGIM banter - You know "family friendly" chat - they never got around to arguing about the girl because the lighting crew dumped about 50 thongs on Clay's head while he was center stage. He cracked up, couldn't do the chat, and threw the band off because they didn't get the hint to start the music. So, they all stood on stage just looking at each other until the band finally started the music. Very cute. Before the avalanche, Clay and Ruben also got boas - Clay's was red and Ruben's was pink. Neither wanted to wear them, but Clay was very happy Ruben's was pink, not his. There were also multiple socks (apparently worn, dirty, sweaty socks) thrown on stage. No Broads or PRoCers had ANY clue what that was about.

13. DO YOUR BALLS HANG LOW?... - This was another crew joke they lowered the big disco ball until it was about 6 " above Clay's head. He kept patting down his hair to see if he would fit. They all were giggling.

14. WHY WE SHOULD ALL NOW LOVE KIMBERME - We are now to the lovely air instrumentation part. First, Rickey grabbed Clay by the arm while they were singing and he ended up on the right side of the stage instead of the left. So, KimberMe, Clay, and Julia all sat on the platform behind the drummer. Kim had her shoes off. Clay was only playing air drums tonight, but he did try the cute "I'm Kim and I'm a rocker chick" fist pumps. They started to sing, "It's hot in here, so Clay should take his clothes off." Well, I'm all for that! And Clay proceeds to undo two buttons and spread out the top of his shirt, with the pristine undershirt showing. As he starts to button back up, Kim grabs the shirt and pulls and suddenly there's only one button left holding Clay's shirt on. Of course from Clay's reaction you would think he had showed up for the SAT's naked. He rolls around on stage buttoning his shirt and finally had everything "adjusted" as he wanted.

15. THE AMAZING, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY - Amazing - anytime Clay opens his mouth. Speak, sing, breath, burp, whatever. Bad - Ruben's new song. I will say it is better than the old song he sang in Richmond, but it's still not what Ruben should be doing. His album needs work. These songs do nothing to showcase his voice and he does have a good voice. How does continuously saying, "Go Ruben!" showcase your voice? Ugly - the "Biker chick" song. Kim was actually good, but Julia and Carmen were so off it was painful.

16. CLAY'S 17,000 PATERNITY SUITS - AKA. INVISIBLE - This was simply the hottest thing I have ever seen. There was only one of those beloved, but planned "clutches" and it was almost a partial, like "Oops, I wasn't going to do those anymore!" However, there was 5-7 (ya know my mind couldn't keep track after a while) of those luscious "I'm going to grab my shirt and rub it around cause I just want ya so bad" moves and multiple knees bends and a couple of "I got to jump because I want ya so bad" things. God he was lovin' life. He did not tuck in the shirt. I like to think it was because Mama Faye had a front row view this show, but he did allow her to see her first grandchild conceived on stage, so maybe that's not the reason. After this particular performance, there may be many women whom mistakenly believe Mr. Aiken impregnated them. Did I mention how hot he was? Did I? The best. Bar none.

17. PRoC - They held a wake for the end of the tour at the Marriott. It rocked. We got ejected from the pool area for making to much noise, so we invaded the lobby and rearranged 25 of the chairs and ate food on the floor, spilled drinks, and didn't leave until the vacuum man ran us off at 2:30. They will have GOOD video, pics, and a good review also. I was there when they wrote it. Best line: "during Invisible he rubbed himself in ways he won't let us."

18. MY FAVORITE SIGN - Courtesy of a PRoCer (Brahmasomethin - I don't know the correct name, but that girl is hella funny!!) She had a sign that said, "I NAMED MY VIBRATOR CLAY" and the I was in the shape of a vibrator and she was going to put those "woggly eyes" that spin around on it to make it more "animated." However, even though she was on the front row the sign was never flashed. She had 4 six year olds beside her and Miss Mama Faye two rows behind her. Oh, and one very self righteous person from "another board" directly behind her who constantly said, "Would you show that to his mama? She's sitting right behind me. Would you show that to his mama?" But I felt it deserved a little shout out because it made me almost pee my pants.

19. MnM - She is funny, sweet, a mad woman with a camera, and has now been indoctrinated in the ways of NC BBQ (even if you didn't like it - lie to me) and James Taylor (because I made her listen to James Taylor Live on the way to the concert).

20. THREE QUESTIONS - I did not get to take a meeting with the Pope of NC, but if I could and I could ask three questions they would be: 1 - How in the world did you have any fun in Charlotte while going to school there, because I lived there and I think it is boring!!! 2 - NCSU or UNC 3 - Seeing as he is liberal AND a southern Baptist... well, how does that work out in his brain? That is such a dichotomy and I know he's a smart man, so I want to know how he reconciles those two VERY divergent points of view. These questions would only be of interest to someone from NC but that's OK, it's what my inquiring mind wants to know.

And that's it. Generally, they were all very upbeat, happy, and energetic. Clay was humble, happy, and close to tears a few times. I know you're bored to tears, but I had such an amazing time. It was so much fun and I don't regret any of the jet lag, sore arms, money spent, etc. It was worth every dime. I can't wait for next year. As Tiny Tim says, "God bless us everyone!"

Dr in NC