2003-09-05
12:02 p.m.

Post-Concert Blues

News just in, significant to LBFCA:

The American Psychiatric Association is conducting immediate research into a previously unidentified mental disorder, currently being referred to as Post-Clay Concert Depressive Disorder. Mental health providers, throughout the United States and Canada, have reported a surge of requests for initial treatment coinciding with the American Idol Summer Concert Tour recently leaving their region, with individuals universally complaining of missing one specific member of the Tour, known as Clayton Holmes Aiken. Early indications point to the onset of depressive symptoms in reaction to an individual no longer having an expected future concert of one Clayton Holmes Aiken to anticipate.

The proposed criteria for the diagnosis of Post-Clay Concert Depressive Disorder include are listed below.

Four or (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same two week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.
Note: the depressed mood, and/or diminished interest or pleasure, seems most marked in individuals who had unfulfilled high hopes/expectations of a personal encounter with Mr. Clayton Holmes Aiken.

1) Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others(e.g., appears tearful).

2) Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day; with the significant exception of any activity related to Clayton Holmes Aiken, including listening to his voice either in interviews or song, watching videos, viewing photographs, reading articles, internet research.

3) Intermittent, or sustained, irritable mood related to concert experience (e.g., chronic irritability regarding other concert attendees who blocked one's view of Clayton Holmes Aiken; irritability at concert security staff responsible for confiscating film, photographic, and/or videographic equipment).

4) Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

5) Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional; e.g., believing one behaved excessively or inappropriately at concert, feeling worthless for not bringing home excellent photographs or video of concert; feelings of guilt and regret for not purchasing every available concert souvenir featuring the likeness of Clayton Holmes Aiken).

6) Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (e.g., unable to decide whether or not to spend additional time and money in attempting to see Clayton Holmes Aiken at another concert or appearance; whether or not to upgrade ticket, again, at next planned concert).

It�s over. The dang tour is over. A combination of despair and relief washes over the Purple Pages. No more BEVRs? No more purple ties? Will we ever see The Clutch (patent pending) in person again?

Gather 'round, Broads...Julie's got her gee-tar and she's a-gonna sang us a song to cheer us up! (and this gurrl can sang!)

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Post-Clay Concert Blues

I wish it were May
It feels like it's been forever
This summer has flown, I can honestly say
The Broads have been mighty clever

I sit here today
Clutching my torn ticket tight
Wishing that I could go back in time
To the place where I saw him that night

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Post-concert blahs mixed with post-Claytal "oohs"
Laughing at BEVRs, looking for "sailboats"
Wiping the drool caused by mem'ries of glory notes
And I guess that�s just the post-concert blues

Just surfing the web
For pictures and video files
Living for clutches, emotional knee bends,
And eyebrow-raised, Broad-killing smiles

I could be alone
Crying all night, feeling sad
But I'm here with my Broads, who help me remember
The great time I had

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Now what am I gonna wear with these shoes?
Wait for October, how can I stand it?
Get seven copies, just like I planned it
It�s the cure for the post-concert blues.

-- thanks to Nelle for her clinical psychiatric evaluation and Julie for the song and graphics! (shout out to Jan for the idea)