2003-09-07
6:12 p.m.

BEVR: Karen Eh?/Toronto

BROADS EYE VIEW REPORT: Karen Eh? Toronto (yes, I said Toronto) and Seattle: A Tail of Two Cities and 13,000 Miles

The Longer It Gets The Harder It Becomes:

I am back from the west coast eleven days now and I still have my BEVR hanging over my head......not a comfortable situation at all. Been in this position so long I'm not sure if I have writer's block or a cramp. So much pressure! So many exceptional BEVRS presented so far. How will my humble tail shape up in comparison? Isn't the BEVR an official symbol of Canada? To open up and be found wanting would be a national disgrace.

Just A little Muskrat Love:

This big adventure all started on a snowy winter's day when I somehow managed not to take my mother to her weekly Tuesday night bingo game at the church (yes, I, too was raised in a religious household). Too funny that a 24 year old skinny North Carolinian redhead would save this 40ish not so skinny Nova Scotian brunette from the agony of Tuesday night bingo. The night I met Clayton, I remember being totally blown away by his voice and oh so smitten with his looks. I willed sl**on and Randy to send him to Hollywood and they did. That night I liked sl**on. Despite my growing affection for the Object of my Desire, I dutifully attended Tuesday night bingo for the next 2 weeks leaving strict instructions for cellar dwelling son to tape American Idol. Two weeks in a row I arrive home from bingo to find ......no tape...instead, another episode of "The Young and The Useless". The next week I left nothing to chance and stayed home. From there I never looked back and promised Mom that if and when my boyfriend was voted off I would return to Tuesday night bingo. Luckily we Canadians were unable to vote or I suspect that she would have voted for Ruben et al. till her fingers bled.

The cold Canadian winter dragged into a chilly Canadian spring but I was a happy little muskrat in love. I had my Clayton to keep me warm every Tuesday and Wednesday night and even Mom had resigned herself to my devotion. Each and every week my "Claylove" grew and grew. What would he sing? What would he wear? Would I be able to keep myself from hurling the Royal Daultons at sl**on on the TV screen? Mr. Karen Eh? watched with me every week and we shared the same opinions......one hour of blessed matrimonial harmony! And then it was over. Clayton was gone from my life with a roll of the credits and matrimonial harmony decreased.

Oh Where? Oh Where? Can My Baby Be?

I went to the American Idol web site, hoping to find news of upcoming TV appearances. I find a tour schedule and a message board. Man, this guy has a lot of girlfriends I didn't know about! I forgive him, because it's not really his fault, and I get in line with the others. I download pictures, videos, interviews and mp3s. I bought a good set of speakers for my computer. I doubled the size of my hard drive, fought off viruses and an infestation of worms. I Googled him and it turns out my guy has a lot of message boards and many more girlfriends. Some are called "Lecherous Broads". I move further to the back of the line. The closest stop on the tour to my little hamlet is Toronto, a twenty-two hour drive away. I am afraid to fly. Crap! There are no tickets left on Ticketmaster. This isn't working out so I try really really hard to forget about it.

Forget about it I could not. All the other girlfriends talked on the message boards about their plans for the concert...... Red shirts, red shoes, signs, and front row seats, on and on and on.....They were gearing up for a big date with the Object of my Desire and I had to stay home. Poor Cinder-Karen was going to miss the ball! There had to be a way I could get a ticket and get to Toronto. I make a promise to myself that if I can land a ticket, I would trust Air Canada to land an airplane. (By the time July 22nd rolled around I would've done twenty-two hours in a pumpkin if I had to.) Enter the Cellar Dweller who redeems himself by suggesting I look for tickets on eBay.

The next order of business is to get Mr. Karen Eh? on board with my plans. I cautiously approach. He is cutting wood in the driveway for the shed he is finally building after twenty years of wanting a shed more than anything else in this world. Here is a man who is about to reclaim his garage. He is a happy man, he is content, the universe is unfolding as it should and he agrees to deliver extremely grateful wife to her Prince Charming. Heck, he doesn't need me anymore.....he has a SHED!

Mom Thinks (Hopes) I Will Catch SARS in Toronto:

I lost the eBay auction for the 4th row tickets. Now what? Wait... I get an email.....the winning bidder has bailed. The tickets are mine! I AM GOING TO TORONTO! I AM GOING TO SEE MY BABY! I AM GOING TO LOVE MY HUBBY UNTIL THE DAY I DIE! (which hopefully won't be on Air Canada flight 605). I prepare... new outfits (three choices...final decision...day of concert), haircut, dye job, waxing, pedicure (bright red toe nails). My mother announces to all who will listen that I want Clay to chew them. (A word of advice is in order here....BE VERY CAREFUL WHO YOU LEND MAGAZINES TO.....you may get more than your toenails bit). I purchased an mp3 player and filled it up with Clay tunes. I will wedge those earphones in after take off and if my worst fear is realized then at least the last voice I hear on this planet will be his.

We flew to Toronto the morning of the concert. Today is my day! Today is my concert! Today is the best day of my life! Our hotel is the Westin Harbor Castle, just a short walk to the Air Canada Centre. My plan is to wander over that way after lunch and check out what's happening. The Mister looks at me like I have two heads and suggests the "Hockey Hall of Fame" instead. I feel I owe him that much so "Hockey Hall of Fame it is. I can say I finally got to see Lord Stanley's Cup. It has a lot of guys names on it but alas...no phone numbers.

I had signed up to go to a pre-concert gathering at the "Old Spaghetti Factory" but decided to skip it. The number of attendees had swollen to over a hundred and I was afraid it may be too overwhelming for the Mister. He was getting plenty of "Claylove" at home and I didn't want to run the risk of overexposing him.

Concert time finally arrives. The eBay tickets are real. We are in.... I buy a program and a piece of pizza which I am happy to devour standing up. I think all of Clay's Canadian girlfriends have turned up for his party. I am so glad to be here too. I am not in a red shirt or red shoes, my as of yet un-chewed red toenails will have to serve as my Clay fan identifier.

We find our seats, 4th row floor on "Clay's side" of center. Perfect, worth the son's college tuition they cost me. The arena looks full. There must be 20,000 people in here. I am ready.....I wait....other singers sing (they are fine) I am in a good mood ....I like everybody. The crowd is enthusiastic and giving all the performers lots of love and support. Okay, some are getting more love and support than others. At least that's how I remember it. I seem to remember standing for almost the entire concert. Later, I remember wishing I was a little goat girl.

Out of the fog he rises......I am dumbstruck, everyone else is screaming at the top of their lungs. Mr. Karen Eh? is impressed with the fervor of Clay's other girlfriends and he winces. Then he looks at me and grins from ear to ear. He is really enjoying this. I know I am repeating what so many of you have already described in your BEVRS but.....HE IS REAL! Wasn't that the most amazing revelation of this whole concert experience? This man actually exists in the flesh. He is not a figment of some crazy fantasy. This is a living, breathing, absolutely beautiful man! He is glowing and basking in our love and adoration and he reflects it right back to us. (Now why don't all you other girlfriends just run along home? I think I hear your mammas calling. The Mister can stay.....he paid for the tickets.)

For five minutes I am convinced that my plane did crash and I have died and gone to heaven. Alas, Clay disappears into the stage again. From my vantage point on the floor it looked like he was melting into a puddle......did we really generate that much heat?

I have not been able to channel the voices of 20,000 mammas and empty the room of my rivals but I have time yet. Ruben sings and then we have intermission. It looks like half of the girlfriends are heading for the exits. My telepathy is working, if only to make them hungry, or thirsty or pee.

The second half begins. It is better than the first half, so much more Clay time. I am riveted to his every move and feeling more and more like the teenager trapped in this body with every song. That boy has his Mojo workin' up there and since I have been unsuccessful at clearing the arena, I decide to share. There is plenty of Mojo for everyone. Clay is playful, he is reading signs and passing out winks, he receives a lovely Canadian winter thong and is clearly overjoyed at such a lovely present. I know he will hurry back here in January when we are all bundled in our winter thong-johns. No man can resist us in thong-john season. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the cold Canadian winter that causes the September baby boom here. It is the January appearance of thong-johns. Kim C. recognizes this and attempts to steal Clay's thong-john when she thinks he's not looking.

For Invisible Clay wears a pair of moccasins given to him by a fan and he has tucked in the front of his "I Love TO." shirt. He seems to be making himself right at home here in Canada (Can we keep him?). Invisible rocks, the crowd goes crazy...... you've heard this all before...... I am so excited that I now believe I look like the teenager who dwells within me. Clay will spot me in the crowd, reach out his hand and before I know it we will be dancing on stage together just like Bruce Springsteen and Courtney Cox. Now this probably actually happened and I just don't remember it. So if any of you have video of this, please post it so I can see how we looked together.

You all know what happens after Invisible. More good stuff but the Climax is over. I am so happy and yet so sad when the show is done. I don't know when I will see Baby again. Tomorrow I have to go home to Halifax and Clay will be in Cleveland. In a few days Mr. Karen Eh? and C.D. son will return to Toronto for SARSstock. I will try to get some RL work done but "Post-Clay Concert Depressive Disorder" will set in. My computer time increases, but my productivity plummets. I am devouring tidbits of information faster than Ruben can put away a bag of Doritos. But I am so ding-dang happy at the same time! The Object of my Desire is still out there and I know where he is every night. He is still singing and dancing his way across America. There is hope and I start to formulate a plan.........

Karen Eh?

(Note from Nelle: Karen Eh?'s Seattle BEVR will appear in a LBFCA Main Page coming to you soon)