2003-11-12
10:55 a.m.

MEDICAL RESEARCHERS FIRST "INSIGHT" INTO CLAY'S CONNECTION TO THE BROADS

RTP, North Carolina- Today the highly respected AI International Health Organization held their first, highly anticipated press conference. Dr Meredith Vieira and Dr. Diane Sawyer lead medical researchers released their first data supporting the obvious bond between Clay Aiken and LBFCA.

"It's all about the eyes," said Dr Vieira, head of research. "Clay and these Broads have a unique sensory bond."

Actually, the bond is between Aiken's rods and the Broads' cones. Rods and cones are photoreceptors in the retina, which provide vision. Nocturnal animals, i.e. "rock stars", have a disproportionate number of rods in their retinas, probably from birth.

"Let's just say�Clay is blessed in the rod department," noted Sawyer. "Must be those late night talk shows�"

Clayton Holmes, research assistant, stated emphatically, "and the Broads, well, um, I've examined their cones and, well, they have some of the best cones I've ever seen!"

Comparing the function of these photoreceptors further enhances the attraction. Rods are highly sensitive. This may explain some of the more interesting pictures taken of Mr. Aiken while on his recent tour, particularly after he had danced for a Broad.

"After examining the evidence, is there really any question how 'sensitive' his rods are," quipped Dr. Vieira.

Also, rods show no color differentiation. Fashion experts contend this is the reason for some of Mr. Aiken's questionable fashion choices prior to AI.

"Oh, come on, there were some bad hair color and clothes choices before the 'makeover.' However," Dr. Sawyer emphasized, "this is normal considering his rod overload."

Adversely, cones have high visual discrimination. Of course, this is why there are Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken and not Lecherous Broads for Justin Guarini.

"Just no, do not go there," said Vieira, shaking her head. "No lecherous and no Broads for him, no way."

In addition, cones exhibit perfect color differentiation. This allows the Broads to detect any subtle shades of purple, and occasionally orange, that may appear in Mr. Aiken's wardrobe.

"Do they STILL want to talk about the purple ties and the polka dots?" sighed Vieira.

"Alright, alright�one last time, yes, the MAP tie had orange dots and the tie in Time was a deep purple. Y'all are the ones with the outstanding cones, you know colors better than anyone."

A giggling Sawyer then interrupted to recount her personal encounter with Aiken and the "sexy, oh my God, to die for" blue sweater.

However, after several stern looks from Vieira, the press conference carried on.

They concluded by admitting that more extensive research is needed to truly understand the depth of the attraction of Aiken to his Broads and vice versa, but vowed to be unrelenting in their search for the facts. The medical community eagerly awaits further information from this scientific duo.

Written by our very own Surgeon General, Dr. in NC

Posted by: Wendy in FL