2003-12-21
10:51 p.m.

TRIPLE BEVR: CLEVELAND...JANNET, KAREN EH? AND LILA

By Way of Introduction.......

This is the story of our three-way in Cleveland and it has all the trappings of a very long tale.

When the plans were made for this adventure, it made sense to meet in Detroit. Lila would fly from New York; Jannet would drive from Grand Rapids, and Karen Eh? would slip through the border at Windsor, Ontario with a satchel full of clack and much gift booty to share with the rest of the Clevefest Broads. What Karen didn't count on was a snowstorm in Halifax, flight delays and lost luggage. The upside to lost luggage was........no need to explain to a Customs and Immigrations officer why she was importing 16 small silver crowns, 16 Clay-in-a-Boxes, gift wrap, tissue paper, ribbon, and numerous copies of "Popstar" magazine. Nope, Karen Eh? would cross the border with her Lecherous intentions still a secret and without benefit of a strip search.

Lila and Jannet arrive first at the designated meeting place in Detroit Metro Airport.

Lila: I scanned the terminal for a Broad I had never met, confident that the Broadwaves emanating from her would alert me to Jannet's presence. Sure enough, there was a tall and gorgeous woman striding towards......someone else! Huh? She bent over to speak to a seated woman who shook her head "no" in response and I knew that I had indeed found Jannet. I called her name and waved. We hugged and erupted in nervous chatter.

Jannet: Meeting Lila in the Detroit airport was surreal. The voice I heard when she called my name seemed so "familiar" though I'd never heard it before in my life. It was one of those deja-vu moments. But when I finally saw her I "knew" her immediately. After our initial "squealing", we traversed the airport in search of a place to tarry while awaiting the infamous Karen eh? whose flight had been delayed for two hours. Our traversing resulted in several elevator rides... one in particular. I remember the door opening and while waiting for the other passengers to disembark was drawn to a certain "young" man who remained on the elevator. He sported long, stringy, blond hair and had holes the size of Texas ripped into the knees of his jeans. My only thought (in my rather narrow-minded state) was "I wonder what Clay would look like in the "get up?" The elevator ride with the three of us was short and sweet. I was oblivious to Lila's "Hey" or the fact that molecules were being exchanged in that tiny, enclosed space. "That was Brad Pitt", Lila finally managed to say once we were off the elevator and on our way. "Right", I said. Then she brought to my attention the fine leather jacket and boots he had been wearing which I hadn't noticed at all. Face it... Lila knows her leather. Anyway, I send my apologies to her for not entirely believing it initially... until I considered the fact that there had been something "special" about that man that had subconsciously turned my thoughts to Clay. After all, Brad IS known to SOME as the "World's Sexiest Man". Lila has since sent me a recent picture of Brad, vanquishing any thoughts I had of her aforementioned "delusion".

Karen Eh?: In the meantime I am cooling my heels in Toronto and keeping a watchful eye on the baggage handlers loading the Dash 8 I would soon be boarding for Windsor. I am imagining what Clay would look like in that "get up"...parka.....ear protection...leather gloves.....ahem. I should have been watching the baggage instead. I pat my purple tote bag and am glad I packed the important items....a furry purple Christmas stocking and my gift for Clay in there... and that I have not trusted their safe passage to the whims of Air Canada.

To pass the intervening hours Jannet and Lila make themselves comfortable over a glass of wine. The time flies by as they eeeh, oooh, and nod in recognition of what the other has to say.

The final rendezvous is to take place at the Avis lot. Finally, at 7:00 PM Karen Eh? arrives lugging her purple tote and nothing else. The suitcase full of clack and booty and all of Karen Eh?'s clothes is AWOL......Karen Eh? will be going nekkid in Cleveland without the happy dance.

More screeching ensues as Karen presents Lila and Jannet each with a purple gem-studded tiara, aka Crown of Delusion. Lila and Karen promptly adorn their heads while Jannet quietly slips hers into her bag.

Karen Eh? : I am not about to check into a hotel in a strange city without any luggage. I may be a Lecherous Broad...but not having Clay Aiken in tow as I sign my name to the guest card means I am going to do things right and proper. This necessitates a stop at a Walmart knock-off for an interim wardrobe and a matching set of luggage made out of the finest white soft-sided plastic. Hey! Did someone say Lecherous Bag Lady for Clay Aiken? (I heard that!)

We Three Broads........

On the road...Clay tunes on the stereo....three out-of-tune voices sing the all too familiar words. The stars in the night sky, as we cruise along to Cleveland, are brighter than usual. Orion's "Nebula" is particularly dazzling....and still dressed (eternally) at 6:30.....we knew it should be closer to midnight. At one point Karen Eh? calls Mizz Julie and we chat, marveling again over the realization that this was all really happening!

Was Orion's "Nebula" pointing the way? We'll never know for sure but we arrived at the Wyndham hotel in downtown Cleveland without a mishap or misdirection. Upon check in, Karen Eh? was informed by the desk clerk that there were several messages waiting from Clear Channel. Now Clear Channel happens to be owner of the radio station sponsoring the Kissmass Koncert. The crowns of delusion sat a little higher on Karen and Lila's heads and Jannet whipped hers out faster than you can say "by order of His Royal Hotness". One of the jewels popped out of Karen's crown when she learned that the Clear Channel connection was none other than Cella and Filly Sue. Well, it was a heck of a rush while it lasted.

We Can't Get Sponge Bob Up.....

When the excitement of possibly being chosen for a special meet-and-greet subsided, we were presented with Sponge Bob keycards. As a security precaution, the hotel elevator requires a keycard swipe before the floor button will activate. Well, we all took turns inserting our cards with no success. In. Out. In. Out. In slow. Out slow. In fast. Out fast. Finally some action.......Going up!....8th Floor.....Bed Linens, household furnishings, televisions, vending machines, Lecherous Broads and clack.

Cella was camping out down on seven and was entertaining Filly Sue and Barb from TN who had arrived earlier in the day. Cella warmed us up with four colossal and magnificent Clay-filled photo albums which were ogled, stroked and drooled over. Cella.... we're really sorry about the mess, hon! Definitely time for bed by the time we got through all four albums!

Getting our Lecherous Act Together......

Karen Eh?: Concert day dawns and there is still no sign of my suitcase. A phone call to Air Canada and I learn that it will arrive in Cleveland on a flight that morning. However, I have one more little problem to deal with....my fantasy-photo gift is too big ( I claim it to be no fantasy, but it's not nice to argue with the Queen of Delusion is it?) .....it won't fit the frame I have....where on earth will I find an 8" square frame on short notice in a strange city? Near panic ensues as I frantically dial all of the photo shops in the area of the hotel and beg them to help. That was how I met Rick, the lovely man from Van's photo who told me to bring it in and he'll size it to fit for me. After an hour of trying, Rick and I are buds.....I get my enlargement done right and discover that Rick is a former longtime employee of the Palace Theatre where the concert is to take place. Rick is happy to help us get our package delivered to Clay's dressing room and tells us whom to ask for and when would be the best time to make our delivery.

Throughout the day Broads filled the corridor of the 8th floor. Cindy had made us all beautiful beaded LBFCA bracelets which she presented to us clasped around the neck of a small teddy bear. In the afternoon we convened in Jannet's room for wrapping and stuffing the gifts each Broad had specially selected for Clay. We filled a huge fur trimmed stocking with our gifts wrapped in silver paper and trimmed with purple ribbon. To make our efforts even more enjoyable we downed Joy's beautiful Blue Waldos and listened to Clay CD's. We selected a purple silk tie to present to Clay on behalf of the Lecherous Broads, wrapped and tucked that into the stocking as well, and topped it with a scrolled copy of the "This is the Night Before Clevefest" MP. But as HUGE and befitting to Clay as that Sock WAS, it still could not contain the love and adoration the Broads felt for its recipient! So thanks to Cindy we were able to use a beautiful purple bag to accommodate the overflow and our gift literally became a "Bulging Package"!

Jannet had the honor of ordering the flowers to be delivered to Clay's dressing room. White roses had been planned but the man she spoke to informed her that he didn't have any white roses, however he did have some that were a kind of "shell pink". She assured him that these would be fine and that we needed 16 of them to be beautifully arranged in a box, wrapped with a purple ribbon, and delivered to the Palace Theatre as soon as possible. No problem. Then.....what to put on the card?

Jannet: Put "To Clay Aiken"

Florist: I'm sorry?

Jannet: "OK, I'll spell it.....C..L..A...Y....A...I...K...E...N"

Florist: "A...I...K...I'm sorry, can you spell that last name again?"

Jannet: (Getting Annoyed) "A...I...K...E..."

Florist: OH! Clay Aiken? Is he in town?

Jannet: Yes! Blah blah....yada yada...

Florist: And who is it from?

Jannet: Um......

Long story short....the card said, "From Your Lecherous Broads....look for your purple stocking."

How Can You Eat at a Time Like This.......?

Can it only be few hours till concert time? A lovely private alcove had been reserved for our group in the hotel restaurant. We (Karen and Lila) place our orders and dash off to deliver the stocking and gifts to Clay at the theatre. Here we find an adorable man named Dennis at the security desk who assures us he will take care of it. He has already made many trips back there tonight and points out a young girl sitting alone on a nearby bench who had made Clay a beautiful prayer box. Dennis informs us that Clay had been at the theatre, had left, and wasn't expected back until 7:30 or so because he was on pretty late in the show. As a little added insurance that Dennis would look upon us favorably and deliver as promised, we felt compelled to spend some time admiring his clock; and also a clock he had ordered for his sister's enjoyment. Karen did a particularly convincing job of making ooh and aah noises, which encouraged Dennis to ask her if she was a collector, to which Karen replied "Clocks? Well, I've had one or two...but most won't give me the time of day now." We left and Dennis went back to his catalog shopping behind the security desk.

We skipped back to the hotel for dinner where we all received the most creative and magnificent gifts from Cindy in PA. We don't really want to make y'all too jealous but you need to know that the waitress rushed in wide-eyed when she heard the squeals, shrieks and moans of our group "O" when we opened the boxes of to-die-for Clay Trading cards Cindy PA made for each of us. We also each received from her a beautiful tote bag decorated with Clay's picture and trimmed in purple. The bag contained a folder and specially designed paper and a pen to take those all important BEVR notes. Cheyanne had a lavender rose for each of us and a little personalized "seat protection" (aka, Depends) for that evening's concert experience.

The Menu of Acts Is Mostly Indigestible....

The show opens with Eamon and parents are seen scurrying up the aisles for the exits with their seven year olds in tow. Baby Bash.... Jannet adjourns to the lobby. Frankie J.....you know the guy wasn't half bad. Lila comments that he appears to have certain credible endowments and Karen agreed he provided acceptable foreplay for our date with Clay to come later. Bubba Sparks ....for those of you not present it would be a kindness to spare you the details. But you're not getting off that easy...we aim to provide the full concert experience...complete with Blubba's (and that's no typo!) bare, stretch-mark laced and gelatinous gut. He mooned us with half a crack and we started shouting, "Put it on! Put it on". And we meant it. Stacy Orrico......decently dressed, and sweet and pleasant to listen to after all the booming shyte that came before. There is still no sign of Jannet. Lila and Karen begin to wonder if she has somehow managed to use her theatrical experience and sneak backstage. She was gone an awfully long time. JC Chasez.... formerly of the boy band "Lip Synch", is next. He brought along 8 backup dancers (no need for backup singers), 6 of who were 3/4 naked in order to maintain any attention to the stage.

Our regular participation in the Champagne Room countdowns paid off as we were able to recognize some of the songs performed. This recognition prompted Karen and Lila to jump up and "Dance"......so hip...so cool. Jannet.....so missing!

Between acts, Lila walked up the aisle to the lobby. A woman called out to her from the middle of a row. "Are you a Broad?" Lila nodded and Dorothy from Canton, Ohio, who was there with her daughter, told Lila that she loved the site and read the Pages everyday. When Lila asked her how she knew she was a Broad, Dorothy pointed to her "Crown of Delusion". Dorothy...we're waiting for that first post...come on out.

Twenty-one Minutes and Thirty-two Seconds of Complete and Utter Satisfaction.....Tell Me How He Does It....

Jannet: I wish I could give commentary on the "Pre-Show" (do I really?), but I chose to sit most of it out in the lobby. Not that I wouldn't have gotten a chuckle or two out of Bubba's crack or JC's Nekkid happy dancers (if only I had known) but the outer venue suited me just fine! What I came to find was that I was definitely NOT alone being that most people in the lobby were there for the same purpose. What an incredible experience to meet, everywhere I turned, those with a common bond. Not once, not twice, but several times the BIRD, purple tassels, and the "Delusional Crown" were recognized and I was asked, "Are you a Broad? What a rush! I hope to see Dorothy and Wilma and all the others I spoke to soon, and I thank Joy and Steph for keeping me company in the long wait for HRH.

...... And then....suddenly the house was packed (though mysteriously the seats were empty) as everyone rose to their feet chanting Clay! Clay! Clay!.....and I remember trying to stifle my screams so as not to drown out my cellcert to Jill. Other than that.....I will have to rely on Lila and Karen's observations as they seem to have it more together in the memory department. I think I may have damaged something vital when my forehead came in contact with the back of the chair in front of me. All I remember is his eyes scanning the audience and suddenly focusing in my direction (ok, my proximity). Trust me that is enough. At that moment the words of Genesis 1:3 came to mind. "And God said, Let there be light: and there was light." That is all I remember.

Lila: My BEVR notes say "and then....there....is...just....Clay!! WOW!!" You have seen and read and heard about the new moves; a double-clutch (Double because Clay knows we are always wanting MORE), the back hop, the air snatch and the chest touch in "The Way", the magic mic rub, and about the cell phone-from-the-audience interlude (so cute!) You have heard about the screams and about his overwhelming beauty and how he brings his all even when ailing.

I remember screaming out "Waldo, Waldo". I remember shouting "Those eyes! Those eyes!" as they fixed on mine during "The Way", and Jannet in a semi-swoon saying "I can't take this anymore!" I remember Clay singing the same line twice and rolling his eyes at himself, but going on knowing he was among friends with us. I remember Karen grasping and squeezing my hand in the air as we waved our arms back and forth with the rest of the audience. I remember Naughty Clay teasing the desperate-to-touch-his-hand front row fans by keeping his fingertips just millimeters out of their reach. I remember the fangirlies in the row behind us deferring to us as we showed them how it was REALLY done! I remember my hand reaching forward, waving, my arm seeming inches longer than usual, fingers straining to get Clay's attention and realizing everyone around me was doing the same thing. But what struck me the most is the difference between the AI tour Clay and This Clay. This is no longer a boy.....what we have here is a man.....an Alpha Male in complete control of his audience. COMPLETE CONTROL! He prowls the stage. He puts his finger to his lips and 3,000 people quiet in an instant. He draws in our love and you see him puff up with his fill of it....and then he gives it back twofold with his song, with his eyes, with his "I'm having a great time here" grin. You see his crooky smile as he fixes the audience with an "Ah'm gonna give it to you now" look before he delivers a vigorous clutch, which he follows with an amused and slightly self-satisfied laugh when the room vibrates with the screams he was expecting. And that makes us scream all the more. We are his and he knows it. He asks us to help him out by requesting airplay for "The Way" when it is released as a single in a few weeks. Yes, Clay. Whatever you want, if it is within my power to give, it is yours. My knees buckle a little when I think that the AI tour was only 5 months ago and I wonder what new dimensions will unfold as Clay continues to grow in the months and years ahead. I know I will be there to witness it.

Karen Eh?: The best Christmas present ever calmly walked from stage left to the center of my heart and all I could do was scream. I had told myself before he came out, "pay attention...don't blink and for God's sake don't miss anything. This will be over before you know it." I am so proud of myself....I didn't blink! I barely moved and I stood transfixed. Lila says I waved my hand in the air and I reached out from the tenth row to touch him. Lila is the best person to see Clay with....she is able to recall the details of our twenty-one minutes and thirty-two seconds with Clay with remarkable clarity.....no small feat for someone we carried out in zip lock bag! Jannet is not kidding when she says her head hit the back of the seat in front of her. I thought for a moment I would be gingerly carrying a zip lock bag of Lila in one hand while supporting Jannet's limp body on my shoulder with the other. How the heck was I supposed to lasso Sugarlips with no free hands? Well, I daresay had he gotten close enough, I wouldn't have been responsible.....gurrls it is extremely important to maintain solid mass and a certain level of rigidity even in the most trying of circumstances. This poor witless Broad cannot be held responsible for her actions in the presence of the man that prowled the stage of the Palace Theatre that night. Go back and read Lila's description and add the following comment at the end of every sentence.....OMGHSFGICB!

Then you will have Karen Eh?'s description of her Kissmass Koncert experience.

Hey Bev..... if You're Lurking......!

When the show is over we are too wound up for sleep. Some of us want food, others want to drink. Karen Eh? has finally received her suitcase and wants to change her clothes. On Tuesdays, Cleveland closes at midnight.....hotel lounge included. We are directed by the hotel guard to a restaurant that stays open late. We never find the restaurant but instead find Mr. Bill's Pub....serving pretzels, three flavors of potato chips, peanuts and cashews. We are ten Broads in total; Jannet, Pats + sister Kath, Cathy, Cheyanne, Cindy, Filly Sue, Linda, Lila, Cindy in PA and Karen Eh?

Mr. Bill's has four other patrons that night, two men and two women. The d�cor is somewhere between seedy and kitschy. There are some limp looking bras, boxers, and briefs threaded through a decorative lattice at the far end of the bar. Beverly, the barkeep, glances at Lila's crown and offers a rather cautious hello. We ask if they serve any food. "No, hon. Only drinks." It is warm in here and the jukebox plays oldies. We post-Claytal Broads are content with the offerings of chips and nuts, and order our first round of drinks.

Lila: One of the male patrons, Brian, asks if I am coming from some kinda beauty pageant (!!). I say, "No, I am the Queen of Delusion" to which one of the female patrons says, "What did she say? The Queen of Delirium? And we are off and rolling.....

We settle in, fortified with snacks and liquids we dance, we laugh, toast Clay, celebrate our Broadliness and each other and drink some more. We talk A LOT ...cover various subjects of particular interests to Lecherous Broads, and it becomes clear that the two male patrons can't believe what their hearing. In fact, one is so overcome that he rests his head face down on his folded arms on the bar. That is how we last saw him. The two female patrons are enthralled with us and can't believe how quickly and unexpectedly an otherwise dull night at the local watering hole could turn into such a darn good party.

Karen Eh? to Jannet:"See that sign over there? The one that says Wahoo Jell-O Shots? What did you think that said when you first saw it?........ Yeah, me too".

Beverly offers us a round of Wahoo Jell-O Shots on the house. Many of us (Karen Eh? included) are shooter virgins and we celebrate our Clevefest loss of innocence with a squeeze, a lick, a slurp and a swallow. Beverly entertains us with battery-operated toys (no, not that kind!). There is a Santa hat whose pointy pom-pommed top flips over from side to side and the Broads start chanting DTTR, DTTL, keeping time with the hat. There is a plump snowman that sings and wiggles. Bev arranges him facedown on the bar, and when paired with an upright dancing tiger, the tableau is rather racy but strangely alluring, eliciting several "OOOH, it's a Tiger" comments from the Broads.

Beverly gives last call and says she has to close up in ten minutes.

Karen Eh?: I don't remember hearing last call and what time was last call supposed to be anyway? Beverley wasn't about to turn us loose on the unsuspecting citizens of Cleveland in the middle of the night. I can't believe she actually let me come behind the bar and mix drinks with her. I can't believe I made three dollars in tips... one of which I found later.....the one Lila stuffed down the front of my turtleneck. I have put this money to good use and purchased the negatives to Lila's pictures.

Twenty minutes later, Mr. Bill's is still going strong. Bev says, "what are they gonna do arrest me?" and she decides that NOT charging us for drinks makes things nice and legit again.

Lila: An hour later, having tangoed up and back the length of the bar several times with me, Beverley throws her arm around my shoulder and says, " Ya know, when you all walked in here tonight I thought ...'What an effin' nightmare, I got a tour bus coming in'. But you ladies have been so much fun, a bright spot in my night. I am so glad you came in here. You're all right!"

We proclaim her to be an honorary Broad and she sends us off into the 3:00 AM chill with a gift...a doggy bag of Blue Waldo Jell-O Shots with instructions to put them on the windowsill to "keep 'em hard'.

We get back to the hotel and, not wanting the festivities to end; pajama-clad Broads congregate in our room. We pass around the Cindy in PA made Clay- totes and sign them for each other. Karen Eh? suggests we do a group post on the purple pages and Lila fires up her laptop. Eventually there is just the three of us left. Jannet realizes that the Waldo Shots will not stay firm through the night and should not go to waste. She decides to polish off a few and both Jannet's tongue and Lila's sheets were blue when the lights went out in Cleveland that night.

A Breakfast Where Nothing is Served "Over Easy".....

We are among the last group of Broads to leave Cleveland. We tell our concert stories over a breakfast with Cella, Cathy and Pats. Since we were all in different areas of the theatre we had different perspectives to share. It was hard to get up from the table that morning knowing we weren't sure when we would see these wonderful women again. This whole experience had been so much more than we ever could have anticipated.

Karen Eh?: I think knowing that when I got home, I could open the guestbook and see everyone again there made my departure a little more bearable. Often when friends separate they go off to their own lives.....lives that are often so unrelated that it's hard to know what to say to a friend you haven't seen in a while. Not so here, most of us had never met but we shared a common bond that was strong and true. It made it easy for us to converse, to share, to laugh and to cry in front of one another. Everyone should be so lucky.....everyone should be so blessed.

The drive back to Detroit would give us three hours to rehash, laugh, and discuss important subjects like "clipples". Please be advised that "clipple" discussions will steam up the windows and make it difficult to see exit signs. Also...never mention the fact that a video of "The Way" is unquestionably in the making to Lila. When it dawned on her that this was the case (at 65 miles per hour on Interstate 90) her jaw dropped to the pedal and we almost hit the median.

We dropped Jannet at her car first. A group hug brought tears and reassurances that this was not goodbye, that we'll see each other on the pages everyday, and that we will be planning for the solo tour very soon.

Lila: Karen and I had some time in the airport coffee shop before we had to part....As the elevator doors closed with Karen on one side and me on the other, it was hard to believe that 48 hours ago I had never seen these women before, and now I felt like we were being separated after knowing each other for 48 years. I wonder if Clay Aiken has any idea of the ripple effect of love and adventure and friendship that is the result of his having been dropped among us.

Karen Eh?: I say goodbye to Jannet at her car in the parking garage...ouch...it hurts. Lila and I part on either side of a pair of elevator doors......going up?.....No, going down for the moment. The driver taking me to Windsor and another rendezvous with Air Canada passes through downtown Detroit. It is ablaze with dazzling white Christmas lights. How can this be? Is it Christmas? Yes, I suppose it is. The Windsor airport is quiet and dimly lit by comparison and I am overcome by loneliness. This experience has exceeded my expectations tenfold. I am happy and melancholy and content and excited by the prospect of adventures to come. I sit there patting my purple bag now full of wonderful souvenirs of my Clevefest adventure. The customs officer asks me if I had anything to declare....."Well, as a matter of fact I do.....I had the best frickin' time of my life in Cleveland!!! And if there's duty on memories I hope you take American Express.

Jannet:" I didn't cry all the way home. Then I walked into my house and started unpacking my Clay tote, which was stuffed with the sweetest tokens of sisterhood from the loveliest passel of Broads one could ever hope to rub shoulders with. It was then that the tears started welling up and as I bit my lip to stop them, the mere thought of them sent them flowing. Sadness? Not on your life.! Exhaustion? Maybe. But as I took my last glance of the night at the Popstar poster hanging on the back of my bedroom door (ya know, the first one, in white.....where his eyes seem to follow you wherever you go?) and just before I turned out the light, I thought I saw him wink and I knew HE understood. Have you ever tried to sleep in a tiara?

Jannet, Karen Eh?, Lila

Posted by Nelle

Purple Tie Alert!!!

Pats Clevefest BEVR