Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-01-29
8:53 a.m.

Front Row Seats

The Coming Tour
Any City in a Perfect World...March 2004

The lights in the arena dim and the stage plunges into darkness. A single spotlight brightens, the first few chords of "Invisible" can be faintly heard above the screams, and a solitary figure emerges. The noise of the crowd becomes overwhelming and not a single note of music can be heard above the deafening shrieks and shrill ecstasy of the fans. Clay Aiken lifts the microphone to his lips. He's about to sing but he stops. He looks around, knits his brow, and Clay Aiken isn't happy.

"What the heck is goin' on here? Who are you people down there in the front row? I don't know any of you. Where did you come from and where are my Broads?"

"Jerome, could you come out here for a minute? We need to talk."

"Whaddya mean you dunno what happened? Obviously it's some kind of SNAFU. Only people wearing a purple tie pin were supposed to be admitted to the first few rows. If I'm supposed to give a tip top performance I need my Broads. Nobody can give me the kind of lift a Broad can. If I can't look down and see a Broad, I don't think I can perform!!

"Can I have the house lights up please?"

"Okay, gurrls...I know you're out there somewhere."

"Would all the Lecherous Broads in the house please stand up? Come on let me see you...come on, come on...up, up. I know you're not shy...not very Broad-like to be hidin' behind your signs."

"Let me see. Who have we here? Gini...Amy...Trusty...Chell...Kelly...Elizabeth down you come. That's it. Don't worry about these other folks. They're moving. Jerome would you give these nice people some backstage passes for their trouble?"

"Cindy...Barb...Pam... Mare...Sherry...alright gurrls, keep coming...yes, even you, Sue way up in the nose bleeds, I'll wait for ya. I always wait for my gurrls."

"Okay, you guys slide on down to the end of the row. Anita and Frances, make room for Lorelei. Yeah, that's wonderful. Now the rest of you Broads, just squeeze in. Is there room for everybody? Hmmm...seems like I'm still missing a few. Shall we have a roll call? Raise your tassels when I call out your name."

"Jerome, hand me my little black book if you don't mind... Oops!! I dropped it."

"Hey, I saw that flash! Kat was that you? If that picture ends up on the internet gurrls I might have to interrogate each and every one of you until I find out who's guilty. (Wink, wink)"

"Ahem...Kim...gotcha! Brenda...new tassels, very nice! Michelle...looks like you have a pair of the latest style, too. "

"Sandi, you found a sitter! How's little V. Dubbya doin' these days? Cute as a bug in a rug I bet."

"That's it Julie. Bring those gurls down here where I can have a closer look. Mmm...just the tops...all I can see from up here anyway. Oh, and if your back gets sore darlin', just set 'em up here on the front of the stage. I won't mind."

"Hey Doc, nice to see you again! You're positively glowing tonight. Oh!!...Well I guess that isn't a pure virgin wool sweater anymore is it?"

"And Cotton, did you come with Doc? No, wait a minute, we were alone..."

"Raleighgurrl, nice to see you again too, but if you're here, who's at home?"

"Somebody give Erin a hand with that thing, please. She's gonna get tired holdin' it up all night. Robin would you grab the end and pull it taut, a little bit more to the right sweetie, thanks? It's not blockin' your view is it Amber? Much better."

"Cella, if you don't come down here, I don't think this is gonna reach. I think you forgot these when I blew through Columbus last summer."

"And wait a sec, I have more...Oh! Mom, I think we got some of our laundry mixed up again."

"So, Lila this is Pejay, huh? Gosh, Pejay, every time I read your name in the pages I was thinking boxers and a t-shirt. Boy was I wrong!! You are most definitely a baby doll, hon...a baby doll!"

(Clay wiggles his eyebrows at Pejay and seven unsuspecting Broads are laid to waste on the hard concrete floor.)

"A few more front row seats have opened up I see, but I think we've just about got everyone. Who's still missing?"

"Where's ma' Tramp? Where's Wendy? She what? She's gone to fetch Maylon from Immigration? Do you think you sent the right person? Jill, can you get them good representation? Carol, will you see they get an escort as soon as they're released? Did you bring those handcuffs, by the way? And Nelle, have you got the keys? Carol never remembers the keys for some reason. I swear (well not really) she leaves them home on purpose."

"Tell me...how did all you Canadians slip through the border so easy? Pats, Nancy, Jenny-O (great name by the way) are you guys two timing me with some border guards or something? Sure makes a guy wonder. You do know that Royal Canadian Mounted Police refers to a particular method of transportation for law enforcement...if ya know what I'm saying?"

"Mz. Kilbridge, I did get the biscuits you sent backstage. Makes me wanna lick my fingers just thinking about 'em but you know if I did that, we'd have to call them Soppin' up Broads Biscuits from now on."

"We won't wait for Jannet she's having a little trouble straightening her seams after our tango lesson and could be a while."

"So if ya don't mind, since I'm not really feelin' Invisible tonight�Here's a little Mambo to kick things off instead...Mambo #5...

One...two...three...four...five...

A little bit of Cheyanne in my life,
A little bit of Lynda by my side,
A little bit of Paula's all I need,
A little bit of Merry's all I see,
A little bit of Susanne in the sun,
A little bit of Kati all night long,
A little bit of Melissa here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!!!!!!

This is a tribute to all the Broads included by name or by spirit...for all the hard work and dedication it takes to embrace your inner 14 year old�for squealing and shrieking over ticket presales...for not having a heart attack when the race was on and putting a damper on all of the fun. And for sharing rides and rooms and tickets and friendship. Everyone deserves a front row seat. Everyone has a front row seat here.

(Lady Luke, evargo, delu, and CininChris did not make the concert as planned. These lucky Broads won a Meet & Greet radio station contest for Clay fans with the most unusual names. No one has seen them since but a little bird knows they are sitting in zip lock bags on a shelf in the lost & found room. A few unclaimed old baggies from the summer tour sit with them.)

Okay, Once More with Feeling!!!!

One...Two...Three...Four...Five...

A little bit of Lisa in my life,
A little bit of KJ by my side,
A little bit of Suzie's all I need,
A little bit of Danielle's all I see,
A little bit of Puddle in the sun,
A little bit of Frances all night long,
A little bit of Allison here I am,
A little bit of you makes me your man!!!!

-- by Karen Eh? Pictures courtesy of the wonderful and talented photographers of the United Claynations.

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