Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-04-05
9:50 p.m.

BEVR: JULIE AND JILL / GRAND PRAIRIE : MARCH 19, 2004

Jill & Julie's Excellent Adventure

Cast of characters:
Jill, Julie, Julie's sister Amy, Amy's son Joey

JULIE: My story starts on a Greyhound bus, but I'll spare you that. Buy me a drink sometime, and I'll bore you to tears with my tales of Going Greyhound. I will say, though, that I was supposed to lay my old tired eyes on Jill for the very first time at the bus station in Arlington, but fate had other things in store for poor Jill!

JILL: Okay, I was rocking along bout 90 MPH, pert near wrenching my shoulder from its socket patting myself on the back, so ding dang proud of finding Dallas and making it in a timely fashion, then - WHAM - RL hit me upside the head. Biggest traffic jam EVAH! So, I sit there, and I sit there, and I finally turn the car off, paint my nails, finish my library book, watch steam come out of my ears, enough for a nice pre-concert facial...Finally, 2 HOURS later, I kid you not, traffic just magically...clears. NO REASON FOR A TRAFFIC JAM that I could ever see. Whassupwithat?!! Anyway, on to Amy's - to meet the infamous Julie!! YAY!!

JULIE: Welcome to Dallas, Jill. Do you see why I don't live there? (not that I'm about to start bragging on Austin's traffic or anything...but it AIN'T DALLAS!)

So eventually we get to Amy's house in Arlington, and she's not home from work yet. We run a quickie errand, then start to get ready. She comes home while we're semi-nekkid in her bedroom. (Is this the first BEVR to feature Broadly nudity?)

AMY: How many of you have had a first time face-to-face meeting with a Broad as she is coming out of your bathroom in her underwear? Seemed perfectly natural to me, Jill.

JULIE: We arrive at the NextStage/Nokia/whatever it's called this week, and the line outside is loooong. We, of course, look for purple, and see some, but none of it Broadly purple. (we don't run into actual Broads until after the show) I see my friend Brenda, whom I met at the Austin CD Release Party, and we squeal and hug and chat for a bit, then she runs back to her place ahead of us in line. Marcy and David (the very very famous Marcy and David...see my AI tour BEVR) also happen along, and I gave the unsuspecting Marcy a big hug.

When we eventually get inside, we decide to dive into the fray at the merchandise table right away, because we have this plan where we'd send Joey back to the car to stash it all (it turns out they won't let you back in if you leave, which is CRAZY, so we end up having to keep all our goodies with us all night, and luckily no random Claymate spilled her nachos on my program...as you can imagine, there would be hell to pay). The woman ahead of me inquires about the same shirt I wanted to buy, and she's informed that the one they handed her, which is a "large", is the largest one available. It won't fit her, so I know it won't fit me. I am not a happy Broad at this point, but I will soon have the tour program, that holy of holies, in my hot little hands, so I let that calm me. But can I just make this little recommendation to the people who manage the merchandise...know your audience. Look around the arena once in a while. Do you see nothing but petite models out there, or do you see actual WOMEN who eat something once in a while? Who are the women screaming the loudest for Clay? The ones who have lived some life and enjoyed themselves in the process. The women who would fit into that shirt don't have the energy to be enthusiastic fans, because they subsist on a box of raisins a day.

JILL: Umm, (small voice) I do eat occasionally, really I do. Cheese dip and fries, mainly.(/end small voice). I can't help it that I am vertically and horizontally challenged. And I swear, every one of my pounds loves Clay just as vociferously, as vehemently, as ardently as every one of Julie's pounds. Hey, wait! Mathematically, I still come out short here. Must rethink this theory. Must have something to do with X factors or something. Or Y gozzinta X, or one of those other hard math things. Anyway, I am every bit as enthusiastic a fan as Julie, and I have the tiara to prove it.

AMY: Yeah, what she said! Only I don't have a tiara.

JULIE: Okay, they're the exceptions. But I can't help it that I have these giant knockers that won't fit inside the shirt I wanted to buy...well, not in an un-obscene way, anyway. And I didn't want that lovely picture of Clayton looking all deformed on me, like my old Barry Manilow shirt where he looks like the Elephant Man as soon as I put it on. (I am not an animal!! I'm a pop singer!!)

JILL: Um, just an aside here, you know that old saying..."More than a mouthful's a waste? I'm the personification of that old saw. Look it up in the dictionary, there's my picture.

Okay, anyway, on we go to our seats. And I gotta tell you, this auditorium seating has a whole intimate vibe to it vs. the arena seating. And I'm all about being intimate with Clay. Oh, and we are on THE AISLE!

We have lots of Kelly fans around us, we are in Texas, after all, but in front of us we have two very very enthusiastic Clay fans. Yeah, you, the lady in the Texas shirt. The one like Clay wore in the Clay Aiken Summer 2003 tour. Umm, lady, I love Clay, and I love that you love Clay, but I would have loved you lots more if you had been encased in like iron bars or somethin', to ensure you stayed in your approximate area. 'Cause, ya know, just 'cause you bought an aisle ticket, did not automatically deed to you all the acreage between your seat and the approximate back 40 you took in your roamings. Umm, really, pick a spot and stay sorta there, so I can crane my neck around you and get a view! Sheesh.

JULIE: Now Jill and I were in one section, while Amy and Joey were a little further back in another section. As it turns out, there were two seats in our row in our section that nobody ever sat in (and two other seats that didn't get filled until Kelly's set started...but those chicks are another story), so it kinda made me mad that we weren't all able to get our seats together...but what can ya do?

AMY: In lots of ways, I would have preferred sharing this experience with Broads by my side, but there was something special about sharing it, instead, with my 12 year old son, who by the way had to have a Kelly Program and Poster. Don't get me wrong, he really likes Clay, too. In fact he is the one who danced and sang as Motown Clay for our church talent show. Joey was probably one of the few kids there who sang along with every album song both Kelly and Clay sang. Suffice it to say, when my parents asked him if I embarrassed him, he said, "Well, not as much as last time!" (See Julie's AI Tour BEVR).

JULIE: And so the show begins. Gotta tell ya, I was fully prepared to hate the Beu Sisters, but I just can't. They have enough cuteness going on that the fact that they're such little hotties doesn't make me sick. Their songs are fun and catchy (and they write them!! How often do you see that any more?), and that a capella stuff just gets me every time. (if the thought of singing in front of people didn't freak me out so much, having my own a capella group would be so awesome!)

And then our suspicions were proven to be correct. Our aisle was the Golden Aisle�the place where Clayton would approach the stage. And Jill had the Golden Aisle Seat, because I insisted. I'd like to say it was because I was being generous and Broadly, but really it was because I knew I didn't have the nerve to be that close to him in RL. Jill fought me, but I was determined to give her dibs...besides, I knew if I suddenly got up the nerve to kidnap him, I could totally push her skinny butt down.

And then suddenly, there he was...walking down the steps...a vision in purple. Jill, you take over, I just...I'm getting a little misty...

JILL: Yes, I was THERE!! I could have leaned over and kissed him!! But I was struck into a pillar of insentient awe. Could not muster the gumption to even utter "Gah!" I so wish I could have breathed out of frozen lips, "I love you, Clay!" or something equally profound. Might have gotten those luscious green lasers he calls eyes to turn their power to ME!!, STANDING RIGHT THERE BESIDE HIM ON THAT STAIR! But No, I'm an idiot. I just stood there quivering. But, come to think of it...what would be so different if I really had his attention?! Ah'm just saying.

And the good part about being frozen, I didn't even feel Julie falling on my back.

JULIE: *Humph* I did NOT. But in a moment of brilliance and temporary sanity, I held my camera up in front of me and snapped a picture. Not in front of my face�nothing was to block the view of My Clayton as he paused so close to me...but a fairly random snap of the shutter produced THIS:

Oh yeah. Eyelashes, check. Fingers, check. Lips, check. Cheekbones, check. Hairsies on the back of his hand, check check check check check!!!

You know, I'd hand the reins over to Jill right now, but I believe she's passed out. Let me quickly run off some Grand Prairie-specific concert details�

The rest of you all got a nice long catwalk thingy as part of your stage setup. We got a little baby version of that. A few feet long maybe. I didn't even notice it until the show started and he'd walk out on it a little. Thing is, that means only about five chicks got to be up against it, and those chicks got ALL the attention. And no matter how much they got, they wanted MORE.

For future concerts, Clay or otherwise�here's some tips on good audience-member behavior. DO NOT hand the singer something to sign while they're onstage performing. DO NOT try to distract them during a slow, pretty song by waving a rubber frog (or whatever the hell that was) to get him to laugh.

However annoyed I was during some parts of the show, I must say that the girl who Clay handed his water bottle to (and said "I don't know what you're gonna do with that"...which made me think of all kinds of things that girl would never dream of! Ah, youth is wasted on the young.) is a Lucky Girl indeed...and if reports are correct, she has not sold it on Ebay, but has herself consumed a small portion of the water. Good girl.

But back to Naughty No-Nos for a second...when you are two young chippies who don't show up to take your seats until Kelly Clarkson comes onstage, and you are NOT on the aisle (because the aisle seats are occupied by two Very Attractive Blondes), DO NOT push past those hotties on the aisle once per song, because one or both of you wants to run down the aisle to snap a picture or something, and then run back to your perfectly-good seats. If I have to take *my* pictures from Row N, so do you. If we weren't still soaring on little pink clouds of Clayluv, y'all would have been pushed down the dang stairs. And it helped our moods that Kelly put on such a great show!

JILL: It was really cool that we were there when Kelly got to sing with Tamyra. And may I just state, if I am horizontally challenged, I'd hate to think what Tamyra counts as. 'Cause this gurrl makes a toothpick look bloated. But they truly did rock the house. And it was really cool to see Kelly have so much fun with her hometown crowd. They were loving some Kelly that night. AwooHoo!! Cool Beans.

JULIE: Note to the chick with the huge "Pick Me Clay" sign who ran down to a spot that was not your seat during Open Arms. If you're out there reading this, consider yourself lucky that I didn't have something heavy to hit you with. (Dangit, Nelle, why didn't we go ahead and market those Official LBFCA Tour Shovels?) You caused a whole lot of us to miss most of the duet. Irony of ironies, I got to watch what I could of that song while I squatted down and peered through the space between your wide-open arms as you lofted that giant sign over your inconsiderate little head. Luckily, I did manage to see Clayton fall on his butt (or on his "uh...bottom", as he said in St Loo when telling the story), but I didn't get a picture of the "Ta-daaah" flourish. Did get him laughing though.

Him so cute. Me wuv him.

Makes me sad that nothing less blurry exists out there. But then, I guess my expectations are rather high in this high-tech age of instant gratification...I must try to remember a simpler time when there was no internet, cellphones, or digital video, when I'd be sharing my Grand Prairie experience by sending you hand-drawings via Pony Express. You know, like when I was in high school.

Okay, show's over...everybody out. No really, the security people made dang sure we emptied that auditorium ASAP. But first we had to go chat up this cute boy who looked an awful lot like a Certain Someone from the back. I asked him if he had been at the show in Columbus, because when Cella called me from that show, she kept telling me about this guy who was sitting near her who looked aMAzingly like Clayton, but he wasn't the same guy. He had been in DC, Philly, and, I believe he also said Wilkes-Barre. And this cutiepie's name was Matt. We couldn't resist a photo-op.

Then we decided to hang out in the parking lot with the car stereo blasting MOAM for a while, waiting for the traffic to die down. Lucky for us, some fabulous Broads happened by (Theresa and her niece Brandy and Amy D), and we squealed and hugged and said we'd meet at an IHOP...but somehow that didn't happen. We all went to IHOP, just not the same one I guess. How many IHOPs can there be in Grand Prairie/Arlington? (and just how many pancakes do they expect you to be able to eat after you've finished a giant three-egg omelet anyway?)

Anyway, back to the parking lot...we ain't done there yet.

JILL: Thank heaven for Brudes in training. We heard all these screams and saw all these flashes going off around the back of the building. Joey was all about running back there to see what was happening. We were all about "Oh, our feet hurt!" But Joey looked at me with those puppy dog little boy eyes, so me and my pink patent leather stiletto heel boots schlumped to the back of the building, following the brude's running strides, to arrive in time to hear: "OMG, that was SO cool!" and "OMG, he is SO gorgeous up close like that!" Unfortunately, we arrived too late to get the benefit of these sentiments in person, but we basked in the afterglow and saw the bus. It was pretty cool. We even horned in on groups of strangers and made immediate friends by sharing their photos. Clay fans love to share the love. Julie and Amy made it over in time to make the stroll back to the car. Neener. I saw more than they. : )

JULIE: Oh, shut up.

Anyhoo, after piles of pancakes and dozing at Amy's, Jill and I had to get up early to head out to Little Rock. The first of three days in a car together (Arlington to Little Rock, Little Rock to St Louis, St Louis back to Little Rock in three days...all that speeding and we only got pulled over once, and that was by a cop in St Loo who couldn't understand why "LEFT TURN ONLY ON GREEN ARROW" can be interpreted in more than one way, especially by out-of-towners on a ClayHigh), singing and laughing and having way too much fun. Jill kicks so much ass.

JILL: Well, LEFT TURN ONLY ON GREEN ARROW surely must be open to some other interpretation, or I WOULD NOT have turned left without a green arrow! Sheesh. I must say, this was one of the shortest, longest car trips I have ever taken. It was great having someone to rock out to Clay's music with, and it was even better to have a Broad who understood everything I said. Except on Monday, when I didn't have a voice anymore. And Julie kicks more ass than I do, she's meaner.

JULIE: I'll kick *your* ass, Shorty.

-- by Julie, Jill, and Amy, photos by Julie and Jill

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