2004-04-21
6:58 p.m.

BEVR: Lila, St, Paul, 4/16/04

IT'S ALL ABOUT LOVE, NEEDS, AND A BEVR WITH MUCH TO SAY.

I'm sure you have noticed that I haven't been saying much lately. (No? Well, even if you haven't please allow me to toss that small indulgence into my shopping cart as I stroll the aisle of delusion and sundries.) I seem to have misplaced my muse while my RL decided to channel Cruella DeVille.

But my muse found me in St. Paul, and this BEVR has a lot to say�tales to tell, opinions to be opined, thoughts to be provoked. So tap a kidney, grab a beverage and settle in.

I have seen 6 concerts from the Independent Tour starting in Raleigh on March 1 and ending in St. Paul on April 16. I started my odyssey over-the-top excited to be seeing Live!Clay! again, and just as excited to be re-squeezing Broads I had already met and considered friends. Along the way I made new friends, I celebrated my birthday in Las Vegas with Broads, my boyfriend Clay, Elvis (as channeled through Michael Kennedy), and the splendor that was Liberace, and I got to meet our wonderful NELLE (twice!). I also had the great fortune to bear witness to the nascent evolution of Superstar!Clay!Aiken!.

I arrived in St. Paul to find LYNDA waiting at baggage claim for me. It was so nice to fly into a strange place to find a friend with a huge smile there to meet you. One of the perqs of being a Broad, and a part of the ClayNation, is that you have friends everywhere across this continent! We chattered non-stop for the short ride to the Holiday Inn where we collected KAREN EH!. Along the way I met MaryAnn and bumped into PATS, my bud from Clevefest, out in the parking lot where PRoC'ers were waving and calling out to us from the windows above.

We three found our way to the Sheraton despite having been given incorrect directions to another hotel behind the Capitol Building, and we quickly added some finishing touches to ourselves and some signage.

Then off we went to the pre-party sponsored by the MNClayFans. They put a lot of work into that party and it showed. On the way into the Great Waters Brewing Company I spotted a shop window and dashed off in mad squeal mode.

KAREN EH?: What? What's wrong? LYNDA: Oh, it must be the hats. She sees hats.

Several minutes later I emerge topped in a grey fedora dipped dashingly over one eye. I felt as one with The Aiken. Silly? Who cares? Look what love has done.

In typical pre-concert glazed state the time flew by. I reunited with many Broads who are very dear to me and also got to meet the busload of Canadian Aiken Hearts who PATS and NANCY ITP are part of. Then it was time! On our mosey over to the Xcel Energy Center we were reminded that St. Paul is where

and

were born.

CHA CHA TRUSTY and I were in the 8th row left, right behind GINI and COTTON. In fact I could look up and see Broads in front of us, to the right of us, behind us, and above us. Broads were everywhere! It struck me that a year ago I could never have imagined hitting the road to follow a beautiful young crooner with friends, good friends, who I didn't even know yet! Look what love has done.

This being the last show of the tour, we expected something special, different. And when the Beu crew joined the Sisters on stage, in drag, we knew it would indeed be an interesting evening.

To celebrate their last night, the Beus sang a song they had not done at any other time during the tour�..the Doobie Brothers' Black Waterr �..and, for the one and only time that I had seen them in concert, they actually got the crowd up on their feet. They got teary-eyed and nostalgic about how much they loved this, their very first tour, and how great Clay and Kelly and everyone had been. Yep. It was gonna be that kinda night.

And then the lights went out as the Electricity came on with the opening notes of Kyrie. I have to tell you that in each and every single IT concert I had seen up till then Clay wore the fugugly jacket. Now I happen to love that outfit because it is so, well, it is so goober! And he pulls it off as no one else could. But I had clacked myself into an all-consuming desire for the slinkycling of the gray striped pants. And my desire had hit fever pitch when I realized that The Hat appeared only with the blue shirt and those magic pants. I prayed for The Hat knowing that The Hat held promise of clingy damp tendrils and disarrayed hat-hair. I needed The Hat. So when the ClaySpot beamed on I clambered onto my chair, breath held, eyes pulling out of my head in search of the ClayHead making its way down the side of the arena. But then CHA CHA ooopsed next to me (I will let her tell you about that) and I was distracted. When I looked up again Master Clay was hoisting himself up to sit on the left corner of the stage. And the full impact of The Hat along with thoughts of the biceps and triceps and delts dancing under that blue shirt during the hoist left me agog. It took several minutes for my synapses to resume firing, and the moment they did I gasped "He SHAVED!"

I wanted to see The Beard!!! Almost as much as The Hat, if that tells you anything. But before I could bemoan the lost opportunity I just couldn't help myself from purring "he's so purrrrdy". Rumor has it that The Beard was still very much evident during the M&G, so it must have met its demise immediately prior to the Concert. We got pretty Clay back in St. Paul. Smooth cheeks and long gleaming hair draping well over his neck and collar. Nice. Eyebrows and eyelashes light and untinted, looking lush and natural. He ended this tour in a much more low-maintenance version than he started with.

OK. I promised opining, and this is where it begins.

This concert seemed to me to be a sort of closing night cast party. They all, including Clay, seemed to be connecting with each other more than with the audience. Don't get me wrong!! They put on a great show!! But the energy was bouncing around the stage as much, if not more than out into the arena as compared with other shows I had attended, or with the downloads of the concert the night prior in Kansas City. It was something very special to witness, and felt very different.

Both Clay and Kelly introduced and acknowledged all the crew during their sets. Kelly even had slides of them, instead of her usual friends and family, up on the jumbotron during Thankful. There were lots of surprises and joking around. But there were also tears and hugs and an overriding poignancy to the St. Paul concert. And, to me, Clay seemed to be feeling some sadness at this being the end, and had maybe started to pull himself back from it a little bit in order to start moving on the next adventure in his journey.

AAL has been consistent throughout the shows I have seen. It is all about Clay's happy hands and happy feet His voice is particularly rich and full in this song and it bubbles up from his chest with the message he so wants to share.

IWCY is a journeyman song. He performs it well but never really inhabits it. I never get that Clay is really vested in it, but I always get that he would be the first one there offering his slim square shoulders if you needed help.

When I first saw Clay perform ISY in Raleigh it was well sung but without power. As the tour progressed George started to appear, and then the angsty body language, the angry arms, the hands curled and fisted with hurt, the wailing truuuuuuth, and ISY became the most powerful number of the set. But in St. Paul ISY was tamer than it had been in Vegas or St Louis. He even smiled during the song! NMSS had more intensity than ISY in St Paul. He must have worked through some of his anger over the course of the tour. The ferocity of the song started to diminish over the last 2 or 3 concerts. The hands uncurled and became expressively open. And in St P I got the sense that he was telling us the story of his pain and that he had achieved some peace. George was still there though, to drive the point home. �I survived�. and make no mistake�. I know better now. I felt relieved knowing I wasn't leaving him, here at the end, all angry and hurting. (Why yes! That is a crown nestled under my fedora. How kind of you to notice.)

Well, Dom!Clay and Teacher!Clay were giving Showman!Clay a breather, and were very much in da house Friday night. His pointer finger was kept busy too!

Teacher!Clay was in attendance during the banter and cellcert portion, asking a girl what grade she got on the Clay doll she had made for a home ec project. I wondered what he would have done if she hadn't aced it�make her take the concert over? The cellcert bit was unsmiling and he seemed uncomfortable. He kept pulling the phone away from his ear and looking at it in a pissy way, saying that he thought he was going to lose hearing in his ear. It looked as if there might be an excited dolphin at the other end of the line screeeee'ing into his ear, and in short order he sent the phone back to its owner. I feared that she might wind up getting sent to the principal's office.

He opened WY and a large figure loomed into the darkness at the top of the platform behind the band. Quiana started singing, the darkness was flooded with light, and �.huh? At first I thought it was Ruben in a platinum pageboy wig!!! And I thought "Gee, Ruben's lost some weight!" Then I realized it is none other than Jerome, standing tall and elegant and lip syncing with eloquent emotion to Quiana's part of the duet. He was great!! Walking down the stairs with arm reaching out yearningly to Clay who was reaching back, the look of love hovering in the air between them. It was perfect and riotously funny.

Then Quiana came out from the side stage to finish the duet with Clay and Jerome started walking off stage. Clay motioned to Jerome to stay on stage. Jerome kept walking. Clay motioned more insistently, indicating that Jerome should sit on the edge of the stage. Jerome, somewhat reluctant, crouched down at the front of the stage. Song over. Jerome got up to leave as Clay started telling us how the others were going to pull a joke on him and have Jacob come out for the duet dressed up in Kelly's I *heart*Clay t-shirt and a wig. But he, Clay, found out about it and Jacob chickened out. So Clay arranged for Jerome to do it at the last minute. As he talked he noticed Jerome leaving and barked out "Stay! Jerome! Stay!" It took several barks from Dom!Clay before Jerome complied and I had a strange urge to toss Jerome a biskit. Clay then continued teasing Jacob for chickening out. He kept telling him he couldn't get away with chickening out while Jacob chicken-strutted around the stage. Then Clay insisted, nay, commanded that Jacob go backstage and dress up in drag for the next number. Jacob did not look entirely pleased. Clay asked one of the guys in the band to cover Jacob's vocals for the next number,Invisible, while Jacob is getting dressed up.

In my opinion, Invisible will always be where it all started. And it will serve as the benchmark of his growth as a performer and as a man. It is already clear to see how much he has grown in less than a year when he performs this song. His jersey-clutching hip-swiveling performances during the AI2 Tour irreversibly launched the heat which became connected with our love for this beautiful boy. He performs it today with a token clutch or two, a sort of tip of the hat acknowledgement, and is hotter than ever since the heat smolders from within him instead of from his movements

Anyway, back to Dom!Clay. Jacob comes back out in the middle of the song dressed in a long ash-blonde wig, his chest flooding Kelly's I *heart* Clay t-shirt, and baring several inches of midsection. There was no teasing reach in Invisible. Instead, Clay went to the runway and plucked a pink feathered boa from the audience to drape over Jacob's shoulders.

Jacob flipped the boa into wrapping around his neck, continued to sing, but was not smiling. Clay kept glancing over with what I can only describe as teacher!eyes! at Jacob during the rest of the song. As the lights went down at the end Clay announced in a very imperious way "Jacob is going to leave for a second. When he comes back, he better have that on!" Yikes! When Jacob came back for the acoustic set he was back in his dress-whites. Dom!Clay glared. Jacob pantomimed that he was hot in the wig. Clay, unsmiling, shook his head back and forth. I found myself wondering if Jacob would be getting detention.

As the guitar started strumming MOAM the fedora came off and Clay presented his head to Quiana for hathead damage control. She patted a little here, a little there while he asked (mic in his lap) "Is it OK? Do I look OK?". She nodded, administered a final pat and then he turned with a flourish of his hand and tilted his head towards Angela saying "OK?". At her nod, he started the song. Awww. I found myself wanting to wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead. Um, and then maybe to sneak my fingers around to the curtain of hair on his neck. Ahem. He removed his earpiece a line or two into the song so that he could hear the audience singing along. And when, during FOG, Jacob lost the note-holding contest to a happily triumphant Clay, I decide that Jacob will not have to stay and do detention after all.

Throughout the acoustic set I kept thinking that there was something Gregory Peck'ish about Clay that evening. His posture. His demeanor. His cool, somewhat removed presence belying a storm of emotions and passions deep within. There before me sat a man with places to go and things to do. He was ready to move on.

By now you know that Kelly came out as a surprise and took over the WDC dance from Angela. Clay didn't miss a beat and manhandled, er, led Kelly, seemingly to HER surprise, through the dance. It ain't that easy to outDom! the Dom!

And then, with a heartfelt rendition of The Way he told us yet again of his love for us and his gratitude for ours. Then he wrapped up his portion of the Independent Tour by walking down off the stage and exiting back through the arena. Not up and over the shiny platform of the fancy set built just for him. No. The set is of no more use to him. It is done. He wraps it up by going back out the way it all began that first night in Charlotte when no one expected him to come in through. the. freakin'. arena . � (Remember that first OMG! OMG!�Where is he?�OMG! OMG! THERE HE IS!! ?) Symbolism! You know Dom!Clay had his way with that bit of staging. Ding dang symbolism!! And I love him more than ever for it, yet again.

He came back for Open Arms with Kelly. And it is a good thing I knew that he would, or I would have been a blubbering mess at his earlier exit. He walked on, singing, and stopped next to the piano. With a slight bend at the knee and a conspiratory glance at the audience, he lifted the lid of the piano bench and eased out a bunch of yellow roses which he rested atop the bench. Minutes later, with another slight bend at the knees, he grasped the flowers and moved out towards Kelly whose eyebrows shot up in an oh mah goodness expression. With a kiss on the cheek, he handed her the flowers and they finish the duet. She went into the final hug with a "You're SO sweet!" (Honey, that don't begin to describe it!!) and he wrapped his long arms around her with one palm cradling her head. It was clear from the gesture that he has valued her friendship and her company on this tour and will miss it. (And to all the Clelly fans, I have to say that I have never seen sparks there and still do not�..This is a FRIENDSHIP ).

And it is done. They lingered just a second or two longer than usual, then they are gone. The crowd was frantic. Cries of MORE! Filled the arena. But the lights come up anyway and it is time to leave.

After debating the merits of finding the tour buses, speaking with several guards who insisted that the Talent was flying out that night, and concluding that it would be a fruitless endeavor, several of us moved on to the Clackhouse after-party at the St. Paul Hotel. I love the ClayNation! We were greeted with hospitality and generosity and treated to beers and Blue Waldos. Thank you Thatchermom and all the other great PRoC'ers who were there. Heee! I got to meet the Goddess of SloMo, Mrs. Loki!! They had fresh!hot!clack courtesy of the Clack Goddess MnM. And they had a lifesize Clay (AFI night Clay all dressed in white�.except that his pants seemed to be blushing) which we debacled. Let's just say that we lived up to our Lecherous name, and that my fedora came in very handy to afford some privacy during a cough!momentcough! between one of the Broads and lifesize Clay. But I leave that story for her to dare to share.

LYNDA, KAREN EH? and I decided we were hungry so we left the CH party and went out to the lobby to ask about restaurants that were still open at 1:00AM. GINI, CHA CHA and several others decided to join us. As we were leaving we encountered two lovely blonde sisters sitting on a bench in the entryway. They told us that the back-up singers had come in about half an hour earlier and had gone out again about five minutes ago. The lovely sisters said that they expected Clay would show up soon and that they were camped out waiting. Without too much discussion, we Broads decided to wait and see.

About twenty minutes later, a St. Paul Hotel shuttle van with tinted windows pulls into the circular drive in front of the hotel and up to the entry walkway. It stops. And sits. And sits. And sits. And sits. There are we handful of Broads, the lovely sisters, and about a dozen adolescent girls with a couple of adults supervising them. Everyone is quietly and neatly standing along the sides of the walkway. The door to the van suddenly slides halfway open and out pops�.Jerome. He looks at the small crowd of fans and is met with a round of laughter and YAYs.

He assumes a Mr. Clean posture and stands in front of the van for several minutes. We wait. We wait. We wait. The van door slides open and out pops �..a woman. She goes to the back of the van where the driver unloads some wheeled duffels which the woman rolled into the hotel. A porter comes out with a valet cart and loads some clothes and bags from the van, then wheels that into the hotel. We wait. We wait. We wait. The van door slides open and out pops �John D. The driver hands him a gym bag from the back and he walks into the hotel. We wait. We wait. We wait. The van door slides open yet again and out pops �Kelly. The group of swarming adolescent girls approach her and she chats with them and signs autographs. As she is doing so, the van door slides open about 12 inches and out sidles a very pale very tired looking Clay. It was almost as if he waited for Kelly to distract the crowd before he exited the van. But of course there is no distraction when it comes to Clay.

OK. I promised that there were thoughts to be provoked. And that is what comes next. So if you just want to stick with just the fun stuff, please move on. There is nothing left for you here. I am going to share some thoughts and feelings that passed through me as I stood there for the next several minutes in front of the St. Paul Hotel. I am not judging anyone and I love every single Broad who was there with me. I am speaking only to my own very personal reactions. Make of them what you will.

Clay fixed a half-grin on his mouth, which the rest of his face did not reflect. He looked fatigued and uncomfortable. He did not meet anyone's eyes. He looked down the entire time as he worked his way through the small crowd of adolescents and then the rest of us, trying to make his way to the hotel entrance. He signed things that were put in front of him. Jerome said "make a path, let him through" to no effect. Clay uttered one or two "thank you" type of responses without every looking up at anyone. When he was about a foot or two away from the door, he led with his shoulder and, with his brow furrowed, broke free of the crowd and hurried into the hotel. I stood and watched all this with tears forming in my eyes. And I had to walk away.

I am upset even now as I type this because I cannot shake the feeling that we violated him and his privacy that night. I so much want for him to have some personal space and time. I so much want for people to recognize the difference between Clay on the job in an arena or on his way to the tour bus where he might choose to chat with fans, and that tired looking man-boy coming "home" to his hotel after work. How would any one of us feel if we came home from work to a crowd of people talking at us, wanting something from us, wanting to touch us or sniff us? Why do we have the expectation that it is or should be different for him?

I have heard, indeed have said it myself on many an occasion, "it comes with the territory". But I think we need to remind ourselves of what the borders of that territory is and whether we have the right to trespass or redefine those borders because of our needs, or our love, or our misguided sense of entitlement as fans.

Query me this�..what would any of us do if a stranger reached out on the street or in a hotel lobby or at the supermarket and stroked our shoulder, grabbed our arm, our hand, or otherwise made unsolicited physical contact with us. I don't think that calling for police or help would be a farfetched or inappropriate response. And yet we subject Clay to those very same actions that we would find offensive and frightening. What gives us the right? What makes us forget? Does our touching him change our lives? Does our touching him change his? If we truly love him, should we treat him in any way less than we ourselves expect to be treated? Does his celebrity really redefine the borders of respect and good manners?

Maybe it is time to re-look at what love has done.

He gives us his Voice. He gives us glorious music. He gives us reason to gather together in friendship and sharing. He gives us joy and vitality we thought was lost. He gives us laughter and newfound courage. He gives us beauty. But HE is not ours. Clay belongs only to himself. We have shouted out many times for others to let Clay be Clay. Maybe it is time for us to consider doing so as well by allowing him the space he needs to be himself.

So, I have exposed this, my very sensitive BEVR, in the hopes of providing some pleasure and provoking some thought. I love and trust you all enough to hope and believe that I have not provoked anger or displeasure in the process. It's just me being me.

~ Lila

Posted By: Wendy in FL, Sensitive BEVR handler ...