2004-09-08
6:23 p.m.

Aiken U.

Official University of the State of Delusion

Whether you're looking for a career change, hoping to bone up on your skills or a first time student with little or no experience - Aiken U is the place for you!

Course Offerings Include:

Asset Allocation:
Professor Katynka demonstrates how studying assets can be not only fun, but very satisfying as well. We all know how important maintaining a nice asset portfolio is to our overall picture of success.

Electrical Engineering:
Professor Frances guides you through this course designed to provide you with the latest techniques and theories dealing with electrical devices and systems. Electronic circuits, Claydar and superCLonductors are among the many important subjects that will be covered in this course.

Fundamentals of Literature:
Resident Poet Laureate Sandi, showcases the many ways in which writing with an emphasis on poetry can not only enrich your life and fill your soul, but can also keep you warm at night.

We have a wide array of electives for every appetite.

Waldo Watching 101:
Professor saiL (aka Lisa) has had extensive experience in this area of study, earning her PhD nearly one year ago. Professor saiL will demonstrate her many keen methods of observation and data retrieval.

Lab Requirement: 4 hours per day with The Sherminator aka Sherry is required for successful completion of this elective. (Will need to download "Disco Night" on a continuous loop.)

The Art of Zippers:
This elective entails ZIPPERS in their various forms on the person of Clayton Holmes Aiken. Along with Professor Lorelei you will UNZIP the secrets of the neck ZIPPER, how it accentuates his long luscious neck and how it reveals the veins on said neck. A detailed analysis of the sound of Clay's suitcoat UNZIPPED in his latest appearance on the Tonight Show, last May.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZIP ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Also included, the infamous black leather jacket (5, count them 5 ZIPPERS)

from the scrapped video, TITN and of course, let's not forget, the wonderful ZIPPERAGE of American Idol II Tour, the white suit with toooo many ZIPPERS to count.

(PS, there's no such thing as too many ZIPPERS)

How about other metal accoutrements in Clayton's wardrobe? Buckles, snaps, shiny buttons, safety pins will all be covered, have no doubt. Professor Lorelei's motto is... IF IT'S STAINLESS STEEL AND IT'S ON THE AIKEN... IT'S ALL GOOD!

The Secret Language of Ties:
Professor Nelle Keykeeper has agreed to share her obsession for Clay's ties with us ... Tie me UP! Tie me Down!

Note: You will be required to demonstrate various techniques in order to pass this class successfully.

Introduction to FameHo'ing:
National and local media ho's ... Professors Erin and Robin in a special tag-team taught course, will guide you through the history, technique, and proper application of fameho'ing.

* Includes bonus instruction using their best selling book, 20 Ways to Get Your Face on the Main Page.

Cookin' on the Ranch:
Cooky Wendy has signed on to not only give Spat'la lessons, but demonstrate the fine art of kneadin' the dough to make the best lookin' set of Krispy Kremes this side of the Mississip' . (And that's nothin' compared to what she'll do with teach you about the footlong!!)

* Note: Eye Fornication classes have been canceled. Too many people were dropping dead from the laser beam effects of Professor Aiken's gaze.

As you can see our Professors are highly trained, well endowed, vessels of knowledge on all things Clay-related.

Written by: Wendy in FL
Who hired Professor Lorelei to write the Art of Zippers and the Top 10 list and Professor Famous Broad Erin to discuss Fame Ho'ing.

Pictures from all over the Claynation ... Spotlightlover, Invisible926, BuzztechieRI and Katynka to name a few.