2003-08-26
12:37 a.m.

Air Instrumentation, Part 1

Melissa:
I've spent the better part of these past 6 months downloading and saving every picture and video of Buttercup that's out there on the internet. In my travels, I've discovered a hidden talent that the Freckled Stallion just isn't getting enough credit for: the man plays a mean air guitar. Not only that, but he's not too shabby on the air drums either.

Ordinarily, I would consider this an alarming trend; instead, I think it's the cutest habit anyone's ever had. The air guitar is so much more than the sum of its parts; it's a blatant display of Clayton Holmes Aiken, the unlikely pop star who used to walk his pet goat on a leash, sport a perm, and flaunt his lack of fashion sense without worry. It's a reminder that through all the unbearably-hot shirt tugging and smolderingly beautiful photo sessions, there beats the heart of a geek. One ding dang fine geek.

Fortunately, after spending many a night engaged in the discourse of the man and his air instruments, I find I'm not alone in this feeling ~ what follows is a very scientific analysis of the man we know as Butterstud and his magic air guitar:

Kelly:
After viewing the "Still the One" video* enough times to adequately glean scientific data from it, I am prepared to offer my analysis of its contents.

This specimen is a valuable tool for current students of Clay. It allows us to see that the behaviors and mannerisms were not contrived nor created for the American Idol viewing audience. They are inherent and instinctual to the subject. Air instrumentation is simply the subject's natural response to several stimuli, which will be covered in the following paper.

In "Still the One," we see our subject is the lead singer. This puts him in the position of attention, which we have all observed on the American Idol television show. When these conditions are present (center of attention, performing) we will notice that the subject gestures with his hands frequently. The gestures can be categorized thusly: The Finger Point; The Zig-Zaggy Finger; The Finger Snap; The "Oh No You Didn't Finger Wave; The White Boy Head Bob; and the Knee Bend. These seem to be a result of excitement and enjoyment of performance. They are all present in one incarnation or another in more recent live performances the subject has given.

The more interesting and dynamic set of gestures are those that can only be seen when the attention is taken away from the subject. A definition of lack of attention may be helpful to our study. Any time the subject is not singing for more than five (5) seconds; any time another activity is taking place on the same stage that does not directly involve the subject; or a combination of these two conditions.

When any of these conditions are present we see the following gestures: The Air Drum; The Fiddle with the Microphone move; and the Deeper White Boy Head Bob. It may be hypothesized that the subject is attempting to redirect attention back toward himself by using these more intense gestures. One might say, conversely that the gestures are simply a sign of boredom. Both may be partially true, but what is evident, to this researcher, is that both sets of gestures indicate a presence of The Dork Nature. In saying this, I seek to prove that this Nature has not been removed from the subject despite outward appearances. A short analysis of the St. Louis Air Drums video* will be helpful.

At first, the subject seems like he has conquered his desire to gesticulate in the absence of attention. He looks at the back-up band appreciatively. But then it seems, the subject loses control. He begins to air drum. A two step, forward and backward leaning dance accompanies the drumming behavior. Soon his arms are in the air, circling his head. He is biting his lip, his eyes are wide. An apparent air snare is hit with the subjects head. Then, as Ruben mentions the fact that the guitarist has "Clay-like" hair, the gesticulation wanes. The subject laughs and merely fiddles with the microphone.

Four years separate these two videos, yet we see that the subject's behavior has changed little. The Dork Nature is present in both specimens. It cannot be quelled, this nature nor should it, I believe be attempted to be quelled. The apparent allure the subject has to females of a broad range of ages, social status, race etc., is somehow inextricably linked to this Dork Nature. To change or suppress this instinct to express aerially would undoubtedly damage the psyche of the subject.

Conclusion: Air Instrumentation is HOT!

To Be Continued...Because you can never have too much air guitar (or so Melissa claims).

By Melissa, Air Guitar Groupie,
and Kelly, Gif Genius

with technical and graphics support from Katynka
investigative reporting by Marie
and inspirational Air Drums demonstrations by Tony

*If you would like to conduct your own scientific investigations, you can download both these videos on MnM's wonderful Web page.