Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2006-09-02
11:38 a.m.

Arrrr!!!! You Lonesome Tonight?

(With No Apologies for Length as Per Article 13.5 of the Pirate Code)

The drought on the island of Broadmuda had lasted longer than any of its inhabitants could ever have imagined......and who would have ever imagined a drought on a lush, hot, steamy tropical island like Broadmuda?

Broadmuda, nestled in the deepest, darkest part of that region commonly referred to as the Broadmuda Triangle was widely known for its abundant moisture and frequent precipitation. Broadmudians (or Broads for short) had come to accept an eight inch pelting as the norm in their area. The dampness on Broadmuda was typically so pervasive that it sometimes fogged the brains of its inhabitants.........it wasn't unheard of for a Broad to forget things like her deck swabbing, her sword sharpening or her garden club meetings.

Unfortunately, and to the dismay of Broadmuda's residents, this unseasonal aridity was not due to a lack of rainfall. No, on a chilly evening, early in the New Year, their Cabana Boy, Clay had hoisted his jib one last time for his Broads and then, forthwith, had floated away to parts unknown.

Sadness pervaded the island of Broadmuda for many months but the Broads patiently (heh!) awaited the return of their Cabana Boy, preparing themselves for the day he would return and weigh his anchor. The Sea of Bliss beckoned but nothing......nada.......no hombre......no Cabana Boy. Even if he would just stop by for a day and take them to the water park.....anything would be better than this interminable wait! Some Broads kept vigil on the beach hoping to catch sight of his mast breaking the horizon. The sand in their shorts was beginning to make them irritable.

The life of a pirate's wench is a hard one at the best of times. When times aren't so good and hard, they try to keep their hands busy. There were empty touring coffers to be rejuvenated, so legal trade flourished. There were many pairs of legs to be shaved, daily....just in case he showed up unannounced. Some days they shaved each other's legs to keep up their skill with a razor. Life was slow and spirits sank lower and lower as each day passed without word from the Cabana Boy. Several Broads started to fret. Where is he? What is he doing? Had he made it safely to harbor? Maybe he had been captured and was being held for ransom by the Pirates of Payola.

Had he been grabbed by the collar and stuffed into Davy Jones locker? Would he even fit into a locker made for someone as teeny tiny as Davy Jones?

Word eventually began to trickle back to the island. Occasionally an olde grog bottle would wash up on the beach with a message, and from these, the Broadmudians learned that he'd laid anchor in Croatia......He was spotted in Sweden.....And at a play in New York with a comely blonde wench!

I repeat.....WENCH! Somebody, put another coat of wax on that plank!

The Broads began to get more anxious and upset as nothing, but their impatience, grew. It looked as if there would be no plundering of villages this summer at all.

To ease their strain they lined up, everyday, at amy e's Ye Olde Apothecary Shop for pillage to help them through the lonely sleepless nights. Some Broads became dazed and confused during the long wait and when called on for pillage, they gathered up all of the old sheets from the bunks and burned them. They replaced them with sumptuous satin sheets from Seaman-Marcus......grumbling all the while about highway robbery. But at least there would be no little nubblies to irritate the Cabana Boy's perfect skin when he returned.........

Finally! It came to pass that there was more than just mosquito buzz on Broadmuda. Rumors spread of a Cabana Boy appearance on American Idol. Speculation was rampant, and the month of May, that wasn't so merry without a pole to dance around, suddenly got.........merrier. He caught them unprepared, with their pants down and delivered a jaw dropping quickie that left them breathless for days. Cabana Boy Clay was in and out before many even knew it was him......or what he had done.

But he knew exactly what he had done and he vanished as quickly as he came.

Time dragged on.........even slower than jannet rowed to Clio in 2004. The Grogs (as the nice little notes in the bottles became known) got fewer and farther between.....something that the Broads blamed on prevailing currents and never on a lack of interest from the Cabana Boy. They waited for a sign. A contingent of the faithful prayed for news and consoled themselves with Blue Waldos when nothing hard and fast descended from above.

A curious Grog had come recently, but as their luck would have it, water had leaked into the bottle and smeared the ink on part of the parchment. They could make out that he had "chills". (Dang! He sure loved that northeastern seaboard!) And there was a bit about "having something left in you" and "8". Eight Inches? Eight at a time? Eight Times A Day? Eight Days A Week? Eight is Enough? Eight What????

Arrrgghhh! They exclaimed in unison! And then the Broads all had a vision of him taking his pen in hand, and that brought smiles to their faces because they knew that meant that he missed them and couldn't wait until he returned.

The naughtier Broads envisioned him stripped of his patch.

Most importantly, they could see the part where he wrote he was "excited". This brought much joy across the island. The Broads prepared a Hot Pocket and marshmallow feast, and partied into the wee morning hours because Cabana Boy Clay's excitement excited them too. The next day they awoke to a renewed optimism that they would be hearing from their excited boyfriend QUITE SOON. Filly skipped off to the Quartermaster's for more Venus razors.

And so it was, as the sun began to set on the second day of August.........*sigh*

Jill was down on the beach giving shell certs to the dolphins to keep her interpretive skills sharp and ready. Jannet was tucked away in her bunk watching "For the Love of Benji" for the 26th time in as many days. Lisa lay on her back in the sand....eyes closed.......imagining the jingle of his doubloons as he approached along the shore while Granny NY fiddled with a design she'd conceived to turn Clay Aiken thongs into eye patches. Gini took her position in the crow's nest for the night and wished she were settling down to take the caulk on the deck of the Serpent instead. As the second day of August came to its conclusion, the Broads went about their real life end of day pirate wench chores. They were tired and they ached in places they didn't know they could ache quite so much, but they kept on going with the hope that afore' long they'd be swept away on that sea of aural bliss........where the salt licks on their tongues would be replaced by.........

.........the salt air in their lungs.

**Hey! I said 'aural" bliss.........and you guys......give him back his patch, okay? **

He broke surface next on Entertainment Tonight.......right after the story about how much booty Captain Jack Sparrow had hauled in that weekend......There.He.Was! Posing for photographs.....in suit coats and jeans.....dreamy green eyes teasing beneath his long bangs. Bangs!!! Long bangs!!! He still s'pported long bangs!! Wheeeee!!!!! A cheer went up from the Broads who also s'pported Clay's long bangs

His white undershirt was nowhere in sight. And all the Broads wondered, "What will he wave over his head the next time we ask him to play "I Surrender?"

"Shiver Me Timbers" Jill exclaimed

"Blow Me Down", volunteered Jannet.

"Blimey" said Lisa in her best cockney accent.

"Thud" went Gini as she toppled from the crow's nest and landed squarely on top of Lewd.

"Squawk" screamed the parrot when she barely missed his perch!

"Sigh" went every other Broad on the Island of Broadmuda.

Again there was much joy and celebration on the island. They lit a bonfire on the beach and danced and had pretend sword fights. They discussed each and every aspect of what they had seen in great detail. Everyone had plenty to say about the shiny new swag he was wearing. It hinted, they thought, that his treasure was probably now bigger than ever. A bigger treasure would mean deeper burying! And everyone, most certainly, concurred that longer bangs were better than shorter ones. In celebration Killer Dhammered a spigot into a fresh keg of rum....Filly ran back to the Quartermaster's...this time for Blue Waldo mix. There was much speculation over whether titanium might be the new gold.

The Broads decided to elevate the Cabana Boy's rank officially to Commander of the Fleet. The older Broadmudians asked if he could be the Commander of the "Not So Fleet" and that title was bestowed as well. Everyone was extremely happy. It wouldn't be too much longer and the "Commander" would be back to Broadmuda to bury his treasure. Filly passed out fresh Venus blades and Blue Waldos to everyone. Soon life on the island would be good and hard once again.

Little did the Broadmudians know, as they drifted off to sleep, cradled in the gentle arms of their dreamboat, what lay in store for them in the morning......hangovers and a big clean up job notwithstanding, of course.

Mardi Gras Marauder Pat came to woke up first and she made her way down to the beach, to collect the morning paper. She was a little earlier than usual and the paperboy was still approaching on his jet ski.

She waved her arms and hollered out, "Throw me something, Mister".

Thwap! The roll of paper hit a sleeping Erin in the head. She woke up, rubbed her temple and looked murderously at Jill. Jill batted her lashes innocently at Erin and pointed to her feet.....both pink stilettos still wedged firmly in place.

MGM Pat ignored the fuss and settled back onto her blanket with the paper for a quiet perusal of the news.

She wasn't quiet very long.........

"OMG!! OMG!! OMG!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
MGM Pat dropped to her knees in the sand.
She scrunched and clutched the paper to her chest.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Erin covered her ears with her hands and implored "Someone.....anyone......take care of that mermaid racket! I'm trying to sleep over here."
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

More Broads woke up and grabbed for the paper.

"OMG"! Sue got it first.
Lady Luke.......came in second. "Oh...MY....GOD!!! Just look at him!!!!"
"OMGHSFGICB!!!".........as Grape hit the sand at Lady Luke's feet.

More mermaid racket......EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

"Tis a site for sore eyes he is, for sure," exclaimed CaroleZ
He's so beautiful!! Said Pats with a sigh
"What? No tie?" bemoaned a disbelieving Nelle.
"You don't suppose that's what rolled up in his pocket, do you?" ......ventured a little voice from the back.

**Whoever said that stop reading right now and go here.**

"Arrr!!"

"Arrr!!"

A whole chorus of Arrrs!!! ensued as each Broadmudian took her turn with the photo. Jinx and OH Cindy made fans from the remaining pages and passed them out to those in need.

Hours and hours later someone happened to notice that Broadmuda Today had not only printed the Picture of Perfectly Posed Pirate Perfection but there were actual words on the page. The Commander of the Fleet and the "Not So Fleet" wrote of love songs and "multiple" meanings. He said something about romantic covers. Filly 'roused the Quartermaster early and bartered for 10 pairs of satin sheets and 4 sheepskin rugs. The dazed and confused smiled, pleased to learn that upgrading the sheets to satin was part of his plan all along.

The article included a list of the shanties he'd be singing on his new CD, and from some of their titles, they knew in their heart of hearts that he truly understood their yearning and would never maroon them for so long again. He had included:

"Without Ye"............
"Right 'Ere Waiting"............
"Every Time Ye Goes Away" and........
"Sorry Seems To Be The Arrrrrrdest Word" .........

Others songs reminded them of good times past and hinted at lots of fun things in the future :

"Here Ye Come Again".........
"When You EEEEEEEEE!! I Smile" and.........
"Because You Flogged Me".

Their man was coming back. It was official. Soon they would raise his Jolly Roger. Long may it wave! And longer may they fly it proud!

Their Commander would reveal his plans when he came. They would set sail from Broadmuda and one by one take the towns and the villages by storm. They would abandon the Quartermaster for the Ticketmaster. But most importantly they knew, in their heart of hearts, that he loved them because all of this was to come to pass on the 19th day of September, International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Because He Loves Them.........

(Or because he really isn't very good at Pirate Speak and doesn't want to play anymore.)

It's hardly.........THE END.........

Here at the LBFCA we cling to our traditions and take them as seriously as we take anything......including the heart attacks we get from Clay. Be that as it may, we are willing to concede, forego, and erstwhile forget about one very special tradition, Talk Like A Pirate Day for this :

Anyone still able to walk on those timbers that just got shivered?

I didn't think so. It really makes no sense to even try to have Talk Like A Pirate Day. You're having a hard enough time talking like a sensible articulate human being right now, aren't you? How the heck do you think that you're going to be able to talk like a pirate on September 19th when Clay..........just like that.......right up there....is breaking the waves right at you in a full sensual assault.

Jill: Shouldn't that be sensory assault?

Keh: Ummmm...... (scrolls back up to picture)......no...silly......sensual!

Jill: Arrr!!!!

Keh: Arrr!!!

So this year, there isn't going to be any "Talk the Talk".......
On September 19th.........the good pirates will "Walk the Walk" (if their timbers will allow).........to WAL-MArrrr!!!T.........TArrrr!!!GET......... & BArrrrr!!!NES & NOBLE and CD Release PArrrr!!!ties

The bad pirates will fit nicely into Davy Jones locker when the sharks chomp them up in little pieces first.


Yarn Spun and Badly Photoshopped by Karen Eh?

Clack & Booty from mommajudy, Invisible926, shine in nc, mom4clay22, Mr. Aiken.com, Danielle and Jill.

Our Talk Like A Pirate Day tradition.........initiated by Cella who first sounded the first "Sail Ho!" in the guestbook on September 19, 2003.

Posted by Nelle

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