2003-10-31
11:32 p.m.

Back to Back

Back to Back: The Broads and Clay

RTP, North Carolina--Once again the research team of the AI International Health Organization Forum, Vieira and Sawyer, called a press conference to reveal their latest data on Clay Aiken and the Broads. The, um, posterior of Mr. Aiken seems to have caught the esteemed scientists' attention for both its functional and aesthetic properties. Functionally, the hind limbs supply the forward impetus in locomotion.

"This �thrust� is delivered through the hip and sacroiliac joints which are well supported by the muscles of the rump and thigh," drooled Diane Sawyer. "These muscles are particularly impressive in Mr. Aiken, in which they round the contours in a distinctive fashion."

The exact location of the hip joint may be hard to access, though a general impression of its position may be obtained by following the groove from the protrusion of the coxal tuber (hip bone) distally toward the rump and deeply palpating the muscles that form the caudal contour of the butt and thigh.

"Basically, if you grab his butt and squeeze and massage and grope and...well, you�ll find what you�re looking for," sighed Meredith Vieira. "I would have found it too, damn hot dog suit!"

The stability of Mr. Aiken�s hip joint owes much to a deep and well-formed hip socket (acetabulum). The acetabulum embraces a large part of the femoral head and is secured by the ligament of the femoral head.

"Normally this ligament is short and stout," explains Vieira. "But Clay�s is very long although powerful. This allows Clay to be so 'bendy.'"

The shape of Aiken�s rump is also aesthetically pleasing. It is comprised of the gluteal and hamstring muscles. These muscles find anchorage on the pelvic girdle and insert at various points along the femoral bone.

"We all know Clay has nice long bones," giggled Sawyer. "So, there�s lots of room for those muscles to, ahem, insert."

What really gives Aiken�s posterior its tantalizing shape is several fasciae (fibrous material that covers muscles). Researchers are now calling these layers: the superficial and deep Broad fasciae. These fasciae separate and so mold the muscles that their individual contours are often clearly visible through the skin; this is especially so during "hard training" and when the muscles are contracted.

"Just imagine what is must look like when he does those deep knee bends or even those little kicky motions...," exclaimed Sawyer. "Unfortunately, we don�t have many pictures of Clay�s butt, although it�s not for a lack of trying!"

"We�ve heard Broad Kat has a nice collection of various partial a** shots, including an interesting one involving Krispy Kremes, but we need up close and personal for this research," said an exasperated Vieira. "For the love of all that�s Holy, would someone just yank up that shirt/jersey/suit/whatever he�s wearing, turn his cute little butt to a camera and take a roll or so of pictures. The scientific world would be grateful. I would kiss your..."

And for the second time in as many days, the AI International Health Organization had to halt their press conference. In a statement issued later, the scientists expressed concern if such pictures ever surfaced.

"There�s a distinct possibility that the Broads would spontaneously combust if they ever saw a true a** shot," noted a somber Sawyer. "The heat generated from said combustion would not help Global Warming...I still want that a** shot though!"

Happy A** Day!

--Expert Analysis by Dr. in NC, Medical Reporter to the Broads

--posted and lovingly illustrated by Katynka