Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-10-07
9:22 a.m.

BMW Weather Report ...

ClayNation Weather Alert

BMW
(Broad Meteorologist Wanna-Be�s)

Note from the BMW:

We derive our weather forecasts from a secret formula that was developed by The CNWB: The Clay Nation Weathering Bureau.

Over the years, we (BMW) have refined and enhanced our forecasting formulas with state-of-the-art technology and modern scientific calculations. We are extremely smart, and you should not question our ability. We also use BIG words to prove our weathering expertise.

We believe that nothing in the universe happens haphazardly, that there is a cause-and-effect pattern to all phenomena.

Over the past 6-8 weeks it has come to our attention that the country�s, and possibly the world�s weather has undergone a bizarre transformation.

Yes, there IS ALWAYS a constant change in the weather, do not misunderstand our findings, a pattern change this severe makes those in �our field� stand and take note.

We conducted a thorough Meteorological Observation Prognostication. (for the layperson, a weathering pattern change) and it wasn�t long into our investigation that we began to understand our findings.

Clay Aiken.

You know the man, you love the man, but do you completely understand his �Weather Change Capabilities� and the power he can generate. Much like Storm from X Men, Clay has influence over our weather.

Let us delve into the transformations we uncovered and the outcome of said transformations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hurricanes and Earth Quakes

BMW Wendy of Florida�s Theory:

Clay Aiken has shunned both Florida and California.

First let�s examine Florida:

Do the names Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne sound familiar? And no, we are not talking about Broad Frances though she is a powerful being, we are talking HURRICANES!

The four hurricanes that struck Florida this season matched the most to hit a single state since 1886. Our precise scientific calculations find that to be 118 years.

We have concluded that this weathering phenomenon has occurred due to Clay �shunning� the state of Florida. NO, we are NOT saying that Clay could or would cause damage to this beautiful coastal region. We are saying that Mother Nature was pissed! We have proof that she (MN) vacations in Florida each summer and has been a fan since stumbling onto ClaysTramp. And you know the saying: Don�t Mess With Mother Nature! Nuff said.

Another Note from the BMW:

Hurricane Names and their LBFCA connection:

The names chosen for the hurricanes of the 2004 Atlantic season are Alex, Bonnie, Charley, Danielle, Earl, Frances, Gaston, Hermine, Ivan, Jeanne, Karl, Lisa, Matthew, Nicole, Otto, Paula, Richard, Shary, Tomas, Virginie, and Walter.

We did do some investigating into the naming of Hurricanes and so far our findings are inconclusive. While we know of Broads named Bonnie, Danielle, Frances, Jeanne (wink), Lisa, Paula and Shary (Sherry) we have yet to meet others such as Nicole or Virginie (although we do have a Gini!) As for the Brude names, who could forget Charley from last year's MAP BEVR.

There could possibly still be a link to the naming of Hurricanes and LBFCA. Once we conduct further examination, our results will be made available.

Let�s now examine California.

Another state being shunned by Clay. Another state �feeling� the effects.

Tuesday September 28, 2004 a 6.0 earthquake struck central California, along with more than 90 aftershocks. Despite its strength, the quake did little damage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Volcanoes

And that brings us to Washington state, the entire Northwest (and Canada):

We all know that volcanoes are seismographic activity and do not officially fall into the realm of meterology, so sue us!

Once again, Mr. Aiken has failed to appear in the Pacific Northwest and Canada and once again another bizarre natural occurence. Mount St Helens has erupted from the pressure below! No doubt a result of her pent-up frustration at not seeing the Aiken perform live!

Are these events linked? We think they are and only one conclusion can be made.

Mother Nature is a Broad and it is ALL CLAY AIKEN'S FAULT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tornados

In addition to Hurricanes, Tornados have spawned from our current weather events.

Now, we as Meteorologist Wanna-Be's are aware that Hurricanes can produce tornados but we have another theory pertaining to this occurrence.

We call this The Donut Hole Effect.

Let us explain.

The Donut has a center piece cut out of it.

We refer to this as a �donut hole�.

Well, just like the donut, Hurricane�s and Tornado�s have �holes�. A hurricane's winds blow in a large spiral around a relatively calm center of extremely low pressure known as the eye of the storm. Referred to as �eyes� , the BMW�s know they are HOLES.

Tornados are much smaller and more concentrated and capable of doing much more damage.

Krispy Kremes while sweet to the taste can become addictive and have long term (sometimes devastating) effects.

This brings us to our next link to the Broads ... Tornados are referred to as Twisters! We all know what happens when you have spiraling bands of rotating bodies clouds inhabiting the same small space!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Global Warming

Global Warming Vs Broad Warming:

Let's consider the movie The Day After Tomorrow. Because of the intense media attention focused on the so-called "global warming" phenomenon, it might be tempting to interpret the recent large upswing in Atlantic hurricane activity as being in some way related to increased human-induced greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide. Such an interpretation of the recent sharp increase in Atlantic basin hurricanes since 1995 is blah blah blah blah blah.

Enough already! We know the cause. We have the proof. You �warm� up thousands of Broads and the result is�. MOISTURE!

Yes, the hurricanes dumped inch after inch of rain on already saturated land, we do not deny that. But, you factor in the Broad Moisture Effect and with all these Broads in the Sunshine state and Pacific Basin being denied access to one sexy redhead by the name of Clay Aiken and well, you've got rivers overflowing their banks, earthquakes, volcanoes not to mention cats and dogs sleeping together!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold and Drought

Farmer Almanac Forecast: Cold Winter

Southeast Coast:
"Overall, the winter will be colder than normal.".

Deep South:
"November through March will be a bit colder and drier than normal."

Northern Great Plains:
"Expect substantial variations this winter. Temperatures will be cold in the east."

New England:
"Winter will be two to three degrees colder than normal, on average."

Southern Great Lakes:
"Winter will be cold, with temperatures three degrees below normal, on average."

Not only do we expect colder than normal temperatures ... but there is significant reason to believe the "Clack Drought of '04" will be intense. The likes we have not experienced for over a year!

Clack will be scarce between now and mid-October when a brief period of activity in Charlotte and Raleigh should provide some relief. Conditions will persist until mid-November when a week of flurried activity should provide us with further relief. However, after that point, it is anyone's guess.

In Summation

The signs are clear. Hurricanes, Tornados, Volcanos and now the Farmer's Almanac states it is going to be a COLD Winter! (And it doesn't even mention the Clack drought!)

The only suggestion the BMW can make for staying warm and knee-deep in Clack?

A Christmas Tour!!!


Written by: Robin and Wendy in FL ...

Did we mention that we have the same birthday??
Heeee

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