2005-04-02
11:24 p.m.

Boogie Wonderland

Warning: This page contains disturbing images. View at your own risk.

Two years ago tonight: Disco Night Results

Now, you know I love the old Wednesday nights shows. And I have nothing against Disco Pants. Er, I mean Disco Night. But Disco Night Results? Two years later and I'm still dealing with the flashbacks.

Things didn't look good from the very beginning, when Ryan announced the show would be a full hour (oh, spare us!) and began talking about picking glitter out of the crevices of his body.

Ryan, we really didn't need to hear about that.

We also didn't need a reminder of the "discotastrophe" (tm Ryan Seacrest) of the night before when a certain judge failed to appreciate the beauty of that huge, er, note.

Awwwww. It wasn't terrible, Clay!

But that pimpmercial sure was. Not that we didn't appreciate seeing some of your earliest, um, "acting"....

but did we need to see this?

Okay, that's an a$$ I don't mind looking at.

It was cute seeing how you did your new spikey hair do. But why couldn't they have done one of those cool HR Puffinstuff pimpmercials?

Eeek! Sorry about that. Should have warned you. Hope that didn't scare anyone.

But if you think that was frightening, don't forget that this night was the beginning of

*scary music*

The Clarmen.

It started subtly with a little hair fondling.

And an innocent hug of comfort.

Or maybe not so innocent. Whatcha smiling about there, Clay?

A kiss.

.

A grind.

A twirl.

A game of This Little Piggy.

Good thing. Kim was there with a towel to snap some sense into him. And good thing she became his roommate. That boy needs someone to keep him in line.

There was a good chance Carmen would get sent home that night. But nooooo. The producers decided to make this a non-elimination round since one of the contestants was now, um, otherwise occupied.

So everyone got to stay. They celebrated.

First by puddin' wrasslin'.

And then with a dance.

Wait, where are Clay, Ruben, and Josh?

Oh, I see, the choreographer hid them in the back. The way back. (Hee, won't that choreographer be surprised when they're the last ones left and there's no place to hide them during dance numbers?)

It may have been ugly, but even then, it was obvious that Clay was somehow set apart from all that.

That there was something bigger in store for him.

Something

much

BIGGER.

Written and capped by Katynka

Ed. note: Hopefully those last shots have sufficiently erased any ill effects from the scary pictures on this page. If not, bleach will be available at the ranch for cleansing eyeballs. And you can blame the Constantine puppet cap on Wendy in Fl.