Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-10-10
11:04 p.m.

A Canadian Thanksgiving Day Lament

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. Yeah, I'm up here cooking my turkey and baking pumpkin pies...getting ready for the annual family bun fight.

*Let's see, I can handle eight for dinner but I'm going to have overflow if Cousin Waldo comes and brings his brude, too.*

Our Canadian Thanksgiving hasn't got a ding dang thing to do with pilgrims, and if memory serves me right, I believe it has everything to do with applying the principles of mass production to beer bottling. I could be wrong, of course, but I'll go with that due to a shortage of research time.

*Come here my little butterballcup ...time to get you started, eh?*

Being as it is Thanksgiving, I have to figure out what I might be thankful for. I know some relative is going to make us all announce this at dinner. Okay, will do. BUT...if that person tries to make us hold hands while we do it...ick! How do I know for sure that Aunt Irma washed her hands before coming to the table? I don't.

*OMG! This is the biggest one I've ever seen!*

Up here, where the Clay don't shine, we have plenty of the usual things to be thankful for...bad coffee that tastes good, colour photos on our cigarette packs, and public health care for those who won't heed the warning labels on the coffee..."HOT! BE CAREFUL"

Most of us have families to be thankful for and some of us had families last year, who have left us, thankfully, alone.

*Hmmm...This is hard work...time for a beer, eh?*

Some of us have friends. Some of us have American friends; thanks to the internet...friends who welcome us with open arms and doors as we stream across the border like lemmings.

We even have beautiful theatres and concert halls to be thankful about...spacious comfortable concert halls...generous comfortable seats waiting to be filled and generous comfortable seats waiting to fill them. *SNIFF*

*So, let me see...says here...it pops up when ready...cool.*

What else am I thankful for? I guess that the dollar hit 80 cents on Friday. That means those of us traveling to see our boyfriend in his beloved United States can hold onto some organs a wee bit longer.

*Sigh....better spoon some melted butter over this breast.*

I'm not sure why we've been skipped this year. Our sisters in California are finally getting their much deserved multiples for which I am really and truly thankful...honest. And while we Canadians flock en masse to the monuments we have erected in his honour, we wonder...whatever happened to, "If you build it, he will come?" Same thing happened to our theatres and concert halls I suppose...laying open and empty waiting to be filled by his presence. Oh, somebody pass me a beer, eh?

We are world renowned for our beavers and our piecekeeping missions. Yes, we are lovers not fighters, and we are often called to foreign lands to keep the piece of foreigners. Still we can't seem to attract that one foreign body we all want up here.

*Sigh...more butter...I'm glad I tied these legs together, it'll sure help the inside stay moist.*

"Hey, Clay, do you wanna come for Turkey Day? What we wouldn't give to hear you say, "If I don't undo these pants, I'll burst!"

Couldn't we tempt you just a little?

No? Snowbirds don't do anything for ya?

How 'bout this?

Can't you see we've all lost our heads?

And hey, isn't American Thanksgiving tradition rooted in sharing? We can do that...we can share...'cause it's you.

*So how are we doing with this? Oh my! Lookin' plump and delicious...making its own juice now. Won't be too much longer...oh!......I guess I spoke too soon�.a little longer, still, who's counting? Better have another beer, eh?"

One of these days we'd like to put this look on your face.

Won't you please give us a chance? Is there some reason why you don't come here anymore? There has to be...something...something you're not telling us.

Hmmm...a little more juice to dribble down the leg and I think then I can take it out. D*mn!! Dropped the spoon into the pan! Stupid spoon...stupid ME!!! I meant to replace that turkey baster a long time ago!*

OH!.............I see....Thanks for letting us know.

Written by Karen Eh?

Research Assistance from Jill

Posted by Katynka

**********

Added Bonus Feature:

Bob & Doug's Holiday Season Editorial

Hey, Doug, you got any plans for Christmas dinner?

She's goin' again, eh?

Yeah, can't keep her outta the States these days. She said something about bringing home the bacon this time.

Bacon...she meant Aiken, you hoser! You're some dumb, eh?

No dumber than you, eh!

She bringing back the duty free?

Oh yeah, she'll get the duty free...took my last twenty.

I guess it's okay then, eh?

Yeah, guess so. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, eh?

Sure...pass me one of those cold ones, eh? Tastes better you know.

I know.

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