Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-05-03
10:04 p.m.

ClaySpan

Good evening. I'm Brian Lamb. Welcome to CSpan's coverage of this year's White House Correspondents' Dinner. It's the event of the year here in our nation's capitol. Tonight in this room will be gathered all the most important people in Washington. And Clay Aiken.

Our camera is set up in the corner and already rolling. We'll take you inside in just a few minutes. But before we show you the President, we have important news to announce. This just off the wire: Clay Aiken has arrived. And he looks hot. Really really HOT.

And to answer the most pressing question of the evening, he appears to be wearing the stripey shirt and twister dot tie we saw him in at the Miss America Pageant (Final Night & Crowning). Ah, that was a fun night, wasn't it? I love Atlantic City. And I was particularly impressed with Miss California's stirring rendition of "At this Moment." Mmmm, good times.

Clay Aiken is also wearing a long, lean tuxedo jacket. Is that the one from the AMA's? Let me check it against the AMA pictures I have saved here on my hard drive. Yep, that's it. Same jacket. And I think I recognize those boots from somewhere. The BMAs, maybe?

As you can see, the hair is good tonight. Quite good. And...Wait. More breaking news. Hold on a second. I'm hearing reports that the sideburns are back. Can we get a closeup of this?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's been confirmed. The sideburns are indeed back. And looking mighty fine, I might add. As of yet, however, there are no reports of glasses. I'm a little surprised. I thought he might wear the glasses tonight. They make him look so professorial. But no, no glasses. Just the sideburns. Hmmmm.

Anyhoo, the President is waiting. We'll take you inside now.

(Camera on inside of banquet hall. The President of the United States, Leader of the Free World, is at the podium.)

GWB: Good eve--

Presidential aide: Psst! Mr. President. Wait. Clay Aiken hasn't been able to get to his seat yet. Can you just hold it till he's ready?

GWB: Um, okay. (Looks out at audience, twiddles thumbs, waiting for the mob around Clay Aiken to disperse.)

GWB: Are we ready, now? Clay, you all set? Good.

GWB: Good evening, ladies and gentleman. And welcome. I was going to make some intellectually stimulating remarks about the freedom of the press, but, well, shucks, ya'll don't wanna hear me, do you? You just wanna look at Clay Aiken. And I'm all about pleasing the people. So Clay, stand up. Yes. Stand up and let them take a gander at you. Spin around. There ya go. Nice, eh? (Just remember this when election time rolls around, folks.)

(Leans over and whispers behind his hand, but with the mic still on.) Laura, um, you have a little drool on your lip there. Right there. There. Will you wipe it already? It's not appropriate fer a first lady to be drooling over someone who isn't the President.

(Stands back up.) This is a very special night.... Colin, can you please sit down? I'm sure Mr. Aiken will give you an autograph later. You'll be happy to sign an autograph for General Powell, wontcha, Clay? Oh, for his daughter. Yea, right. Sure, Colin. I've seen that poster in your office. Now set yerself down.

As I was saying,...

Presidential aide: Mr. President, excuse me. (Hands President a slip of paper.)

GWB: (Reading paper, moving lips slightly). Hey, Affleck. Can you scooch down a bit? My mom says she can't see Clay Aiken 'cause your big giant head is in the way. Thanks. Is that better, Ma? Ma? Dad, can you quiet her down a bit? The moaning makes it hard to concentrate up here.

Okay, now, back to business. Let me introduce--

Who's shrieking? Clay, was that you? What's wrong? Oh, I see. Well, just try shaking your leg a little. Yea, like that. Just shake her off. Helen, down! Down! Get off his leg. Try tapping her on the nose, Clay. Oh, fer cryin' out loud, can someone go pull Helen Thomas off Clay Aiken's leg? Thank you. Sorry about that, Clay. Hope she didn't mess up your nice suit there.

Helen, you should be ashamed of yourself. As senior correspondent, you're supposed to set an example. How are the younger reporters supposed to know how to behave when they see you humpin' Clay Aiken's leg? No wonder someone like Diane Sawyer gets all fangirly on camera. She doesn't know any better. Now go sit down over there by Colin. Do you two think you can behave? Good. Anyone else want to join them in time-out? No. Okay. Geraldo, you go sit over there, too. No, you didn't do anything yet. But it's only a matter of time. Get over there and...did you just lick Clay Aiken? Geraldo, that is totally unacceptable behavior for a journalist. You sit there and think about what you just did. Sorry, Clay. It won't happen again. Will it, Geraldo? Will it?

I guess it's time I turned things over to our speaker for tonight, Jay Leno. Here you go, Jay. Good luck.

JL: Hey, how's everyone doing tonight? Having fun yet?

(silence)

JL: Did you hear this one? John Kerry and George Bush walk into a bar...

JL: Oh, why do I bother. All I need to do is say "Clay."

(wild applause)

JL: It's just like last time he was on my show. Every time I said "Clay,"

(wilder applause)

JL: Clay. (applause) Clay. (applause) Clay Clay Clay CLAY CLAY CLAY...."

(hyterical screaming)

(The President stands back up.)

GWB: Jay, you have to stop that. Look what you're doing to them. It's getting out of control. Right Laura? Right? Laura? Why do you look so glassy-eyed, Laura? Laura?

(Laura Bush stage-dives off the dais and joins the mob now surrounding Clay Aiken.)

GWB: People! You stop it now! We're not going to continue with this event until you all set yerselves down. (mobbing continues) Okay, that's no good. How's this: if you promise to behave, Clay Aiken will come up here and stand for the rest of the night so you can look at him. (The roar of the crowd begins to lessen into a dull hum.) Come up here, Clay. Now. Just stand there.

GWB: That's good. Now they're behaving.

GWB: Good god, man, what are you doing? Don't smile at them! Look what you've done! They're going crazy! Calm down people! He'll sing to you. Okay? He'll sing. Clay, sing something. Fast. How about that "Solitaire."

(Clay starts to sing)

GWB: Stop! Stop! Bad idea! Now look what they've done! Someone knocked over the CSpan camera. And that's the only one they have. Security! Help! Ma, put Clay down right now. Now, I say. Maaaa...

This concludes tonight's broadcast of the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Join us at 11:00 for BookNotes. Tonight Brian Lamb will interview Nelle Keykeeper, author of Clay: He Clutched My Heart.

Written by Katynka

Thanks to FlipFlopChick for the purdy Clay pictures and to various news sources for the photos from the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

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