2005-09-24
1:50 p.m.

Dancing with the Stars: Dance-Off

Clay: Hello, and welcome to the Insider. I'm Clay Aiken, your new host.

Pat: Clay, you're not the host! I'm still the host! You're just a special guest insider! You were just here to cover the Emmys!"

Clay: Can we get a rug out here?

As Ah was saying, tonight on the Insider, Ah'm going behind the scenes at the Dancing with the Stars Dance-Off.

So put on your dancing shoes!

*snort* Is that all you got, John?

Poor guy... As you know, John O'Hurley came in second on the original Dancing with the Stars.

Now, when HE came in second, he was given a chance for a dance-off to see who really should have won. Hmmph. Wouldn't it be nice if ALL reality show competitions did this? Why shouldn't ALL runner-ups get this chance?

Why shouldn't Ah take this chance now?

John: Clay, you don't mean.....

Clay: Why, yes Ah do, John!

So it was the exciting Dance-Off, featuring John and Charlotta, Kelly and Alec, and me and my favorite dance partner.

No, not him.

No, not her (although let me put you on my dance card, Eva)

No, not her (although she wants me. She really wants me. She's just pretending to want John.)

You know who I mean. The best dance partner a man could ask for.

So, John, how do you feel about the competition?

John: I'm thrilled to get the chance to dance with Charlotta again and I hope...

Clay: Blah, blah blah. Here's Kelly. Hey Kelly, did you know Ah once had a wardrobe malfunction too?

Kelly: Yeah?

Clay: Yes, we have lots in common. Are you worried about another wardrobe malfunction?

Kelly: It could always happen. But at least I don't have to worry about tan lines.

Clay: Me neither! That's the beauty of bronzer!

Kelly: Um, right.

Clay: And now to our last competitor. Clay, are you excited about tonight's dance-off?

*moves to other side*

Clay: Yes Ah am, Clay. Thanks for asking. It's a real honor to be part of this competition....

Pat: Clay! You can't interview yourself!

Clay: Let's get the dancers out here now. John and Charlotta started off the competition with a lovely waltz

The chemistry between them was palpable. But not as strong as that between Clay Aiken and his partner.

They sizzled!

Then Kelly and Alec opened the Latin dance portion of the competition with a nice rhumba.

Nice, but we all know who the real King of Latin Dance is!!!

Kelly and John gave it their all, but, well, that just wasn't good enough against a world-class dancer like Clay Aiken, was it Kelly?

Kelly: Clay, you're talking about yourself in the 3rd person again.

Clay: You just shut your lip, young lady. Here he is the new champion of Dancing with the Stars! Clay Aiken!

Clay: Thank you, Clay! Ah'm THA-RILLED! I'd like to thank....

Kelly: Noooo! It's miiiiine! I flashed all of America for that trophy!.....

Clay: Can someone get her out of here? And turn off the floor while you're at it.

That's all for tonight. Tune in again next week, when I'll be reporting on the new season of The Amazing Race: Family Edition. Who knows, there may just be a surprise last minute entry in the race. You'll never guess who.

Director: And we're out.

Jacob: Clay, do I really have to wear these overalls?

Clay: You hush up and put them on, Jacob. We have to convince Phil that you and Quiana are Angela's and my kids. You want to be on the race, don't you?

A Wentynka Joint
Wendy in FL and Katynka

Caps by Wendy in FL; photoshop by Katynka; JBT Photos by Tasapio