2006-11-28
9:21 p.m.

Happy 28th Birthday, Clay!!

Well, Clay...it�s your birthday again. And I wasn�t sure what to get you for a present.

You used to be so easy. To shop for, I mean.

For your 26th, I lined everyone up to give you a most Broadly gift. You were hesitant at first, but you soon realized it was for your own good. ::snicker::

For your 27th, you gave lots of hints, then asked for "something a little different". The Broads obliged, and were still feelin� it in the morning.

But this year, I�m stumped. No hints. No signals. No "presenting".

In other words, no ass.

Now, I�m not complaining. (Okay, maybe I am a little.) We all know you haven�t been around much where we can see you in 2006. There haven�t been many ass opportunities. (Ass-portunities?) We�ve mostly seen you sitting for interviews, and, as remarkably attention-getting as your hindquarters are, even they can�t speak to us through a couch.

(perhaps due, in part, to your aversion to Mexican food?)

Gotta say, though...for a couple seconds there before you sat down on Megan Mullally�s show, I thought I received a garbled message from my old friend.

It�s as if it�s saying Don�t sit down yet! They need to see me! The Broads want to...mmmmph!

You big meanie.

And then with the long coats! Not that they don�t look stunning on your lanky frame, but throw a Broad a bone...or a bun...once in a while.

Take a cue from Leno, honey. Hands-in-pockets is a wonderfully subtle way to flash us the goods. Looks like he�s trying to give the band a little sumpin�-sumpin�...only they ain�t buying.

And I can only imagine how extra-perky the Humanitarian Hiney was at the UNICEF Snowflake lighting. I have to imagine it, because you hid it. Real good.

(Okay, I know it�s winter in New York. I can give you a pass on that. But, you�ll notice that women are still taking pictures of it, even when they can�t see it. Hint hint.)

For a while there, I was thinking that maybe you weren�t...uh...into those kinds of presents any more. But then I remembered that day when a bunch of us were lounging in the main house at the Ranch and you showed up with furry purple handcuffs dangling from your long fingers...I asked what you were planning on doing with those, and you said "They will be locked!" And we all had a terrific time, as I recall.

But still...a whole year of no "presenting". We can�t spank it if you won�t give it to us, honey.

Which gave me an idea.

You might think we�ve gotten this present for ourselves. You wouldn�t be entirely wrong.

But you know as well as we do that when the Broads are happy, you�re happy. Very, very happy.

You know how to make us happy on your birthday. And every other day. But especially Saturdays. ;o)

And this would be beneficial to not only the Broads, but to the rest of your fans who enjoy...uh...being made happy.

So, if you�ll allow us to lead you into the Ranch rec room here, with our hands over your eyes so we don�t spoil the surprise (and, don�t worry, honey...you know EXACTLY where our hands have been!)...just press this big button...and look out the window!

Allow me to introduce...the BROADSignal.

(aka the Broadly Request Of Ass Display Signal. I know how you love acronyms.)

Whenever the Broads feel deprav...uh, deprived...we will light up the signal to let you know that we�re in need of a butt shot. All you have to do to fully enjoy your present is watch the skies, obey our command, and it�s HOLY PANTS OF PERFECTION for everyone.

I�ve even installed a hotline so that other fans who don�t live here at the Ranch can ask us to turn it on, thereby turning them on. It�s a win-win, really.

Now...who wants cake? ;o)

-- text and graphic blandishment by Julie, with photo and screencap gathering by Nelle