2004-06-29
10:02 a.m.

Return to Kimmel, pt. 1: Anger Management

Clay, we love you. We care about you. We are your friends. And that's why we're doing this intervention.

You see, we are concerned about your anger problems.

Oh, don't pull that "Who me?" look. Yes, you.

You may look innocent and mild-mannered and beautiful and...

so gosh-darned beautiful...

hmmmm....

No! That's not going to work this time! You can't distract us with your beauty...

Stop that!

Face it, you have a problem.

It starts with a look,

and some harmless finger wagging.

And maybe a sexy but disdainful sneer.

We even excuse you for taunting Kimmel by comparing your shoe size

with his

And refusing to shake his hand is rude, but forgivable.

We may have been intimidated, but I must confess we were also a little turned on by Dom Clay.

We even became your willing minions when you gave us that look, beckoning us to become your accomplices.

Do you know what it does to us when you grunt?

But we began to get frightened as well. Sometimes you seemed to be possessed.

You crossed the line. Snide comments may be acceptable, but it is never, NEVER okay to smash people up against the wall (even if your a$$ looks great when you do so)

or toss them across the room

or threaten them

or pull their hair

or kick them with obscenely large feet

or torture them with dolls.

Oh, Clay, can't you see what you've become? Yes, it's sexy, but you're out of control!

You even rejoiced in your own violence!

And it doesn't stop with Kimmel. No, once you got a taste for it, your violence knew no bounds. You loosed your wrath on the entire British Isles

and could not tolerate the thought of innocent animals walking happily about on your plate.

And then the chilling threat to hunt down and take out that little old man with the cane

Clay, we beg you. Look in the mirror.

See what you have become.

Even Kimmel saw it when he compared you to that overlord of evil, the Grinch.

Why, why all this anger?

Are you upset that someone cut off your mullet?

Could it be that your britches are too tight?

Nah. Clearly THAT is not the problem.

Maybe all the working out you're supposedly doing is elevating your testosterone and making you more aggressive? If so, we beg of you, please cut back on the "Sit and Be Fit Classes."

For the sake of the children.

Part 2: The Many Faces of Clay
Part 3: Hands and Hearts
Part 4: Beauty and the Beast