2005-03-11
12:47 a.m.

Motown, the Musical

(Author's Note: Today is the second anniversary of Motown night. As this year's new Top 12 are announced, it seemed appropriate to look back fondly on the Top 12 of two years ago with a touching tribute to that magical night when we first saw Clay perform before a live audience. That would have been appropriate. But this is LBFCA. When have we been known to be appropriate?)

Director: All, right, everyone. Places. Scene 1, Take 1. Twelve young hopefuls taking their shot at the American dream. Action!

You see the stage for the first time. You're overwhelmed. Impressed. Let me see some awe.

Hey kid, I said "awe," not "aw shucks." Take it down a notch.... Another notch....Anoth--never mind, we'll take care of that in editing. Now line up for the opening number.

Good. Very nice. Wait a minute. Why's that kid glowing? Bob, what's with the lighting? I want them evenly lit. Why are you making that kid in the middle glow?

Bob, the Lighting Guy: I'm not. He just glows. He's throwing my light meters all out of whack.

Director: Well do something about it.

Bob, the Lighting Guy: Makeup! Get some bronzer on that kid!

Director: How long is this going to take?

Lois, the Makeup Girl: It may be a while sir. I think we need a couple of coats.

Director: Ding dang it. Okay, while we're waiting, let's work on the flashback sequence, showing their childhoods, their humble beginnings....

...to see how far they've come...

...or not.

And then we show our young hero. We'll see how even as a child he just oozed star quality.

Fantastic. Great. America's going to love this kid. Earl, make a note. Let's add a line in the script later to have Judge #3 say, "You look like a popstar." We want to show how the judges have their fingers on the pulse of American pop culture. They know a star when they see one.

Lois, how's that make-up coming?

Lois, the Make-Up Girl: I'm done. He's a little orange now, but Bob said they can color correct for that later. Should I do his hands too?

Director: No, we don't have time. Just leave them. But don't go away. I have a feeling we may need you again. Ruben, you're up! Sing. Nice. Very nice. Now remember the choreography. Stick out your right hand.

Amazing! Now your left.

Perfect! You're a natural! Go back and stand with the rest now.

Hmmm. Those two are interesting together. I'm getting an idea for a buddy movie. It could be almost as big as From Justin to Kelly. Earl, make a note of that.

Okay, who's up next?

Oh, you, kid. Where did wardrobe get that outfit? I said I wanted only the best. Museum-quality costumes. Does this look like something that would be in a museum?

Earl, the Assistant: Do you want me to get....

Director: Don't bother, there's no time now. Sing, kid!

*thunk*

What happened?

Earl, the Assistant: I think Jill, the camera operator, well, swooned.

Director: Good Lord and Taylor....Can we get someone else on the camera? Keep singing kid. Look at the camera...

*thunk*

I told you to take the camera from Jill!

Earl, the Assistant: I did. That was Kelly. She's muttering something about being dead...and pregnant.

Director: What? All he did was look in the camera....Give the camera to Karen. She can handle it.

*thunk*

Director: Not another one! You take the camera, Earl. Earl? Where'd Earl go? What's up with the crew? Why are they cheering?

Earl, put that sign down!

People, settle down. You're missing the point. This is a musical about the Search for a Superstar. Here's our superstar.

And our young ingenue. These are America's sweethearts.

Now get a hold of yourselves and let's finish shooting the Aiken kid's part. Just to be safe, though, don't look directly into the camera.

Bob? What happened? Why did the screen go blank?

Bob, the Lighting Guy: It's not blank. It's a shot of Aiken. In a white shirt. In front of a white background.

Director: Lois! More bronzer!

While Lois is taking care of that, let's skip ahead and shoot the big dance number. You're on, Carmen!

Wonderful! Brilliant!

Gotta love interpretive dance.

Lois, are you done? Good. Let's try Act 2. The Results. Line up, kids. We'll start by panning the camera down the line. When we get to you, smile. Show America you're happy. You're all friends. You love being on stage. This is your dream come true.

.

That's it.

Beautiful, Kimberley.

Very pretty.

Nice touch adding the little dance move, Rickey. I like that.

Let's keep the camera moving. Perfect. We're calm. We're relaxed. We're happy. We're....

we're....

Happy, I said! We're happy, happy, happy! Aiken, what's that look?

Your what? Your "yammy" face? People love your yammy face? What kind of people want to see someone who looks like they're going to hurl?

Oh, those people. Okay. You can keep the yammy face. It will work great in this next scene. It's the big dramatic reveal. Very intense. All eyes focused on Ryan as he reads the results.

I said all eyes on Ryan!

Hey, you in the back!

Do you have something you want to share with the rest of us, Chatty Cathy? No? Then pay attention please.

Now it's time for Vanessa's big moment. Ready, Vanessa? Close-up....

And now Kim's closeup....

Let's move on to Julia...All focus should be on Julia...

on Julia!

Why is Aiken in every shot? What do you mean, the camera is just drawn to him? Draw it to someone else. Move onto Charles. That's good. No Aiken in this shot....Wait, why is Charles out of focus?

And why is the camera focused on...on....Who gave the camera back to Jill? You should be ashamed of yourself, Jill!

Take the camera off...er...that, and try to get a shot of Ryan.

Just Ryan.

Okay, okay. I give up. You win.

There's no point fighting the powers of the Aiken. Earl, tell Mr. Clarke we won't be needing his services any longer and then change the title of this movie from Motown, the Musical: Search for a Superstar to Motown, the Musical: Superstar Found.

Roll credits.

Earl, get Andrew on the phone. Tell him I have an idea for a new musical, Phantom of the Idol Stage. Then get me a scotch. A big one.

~fin~

Written and capped by Katynka