2003-09-07
11:00 p.m.

Sunday Night Mystery

A Sunday Night Mystery

EBUB Tony, Mr. Wendy, and RSTTB Joe
Wandered into that place where few men dared to go.
But the purple pages were empty,
The main pages were bare.
They called out to the Broads,
But no one was there.

And then out from a corner
slunk that little cat Odin
"They're all dead," he meowed
"All killed by the Aiken"

Then the idol cat showed them
where all the Broads lay,
All done in, the cat claimed,
By a crooner named Clay.

The three men gazed in horror
and read each epitaph.
They'd known it would come to this
thanks to Clay and his staff.

The Late Broad Nelle's stone said,
"Tell Clay it's not his fault
(even though it totally is)
I promised him my heart was strong."

Tragically,
Broad Marie was found trapped in her dryer,
clutching a picture of Clay Aiken
from the newest issue of Elle in one hand,
and a Downy Ball in the other.

Broad Wendy
Found this picture one day,
she didn't exactly know what to say.
She licked it a lot,
and died on the spot.
As she took her last breath,
and trailed off into death.
She was heard to say,
It can all be blamed on a boy named Clay...

Broad Kelly
She didn't finish her degree
but she finally FINISHED
unnnngggggg

After rotating Elle Magazine pic of Clay Aiken
and mounting computer screen,
wet Broad Sherry fried herself with
crispy smile on face for all eternity.

Katynka turned to liquid
at the sight of that pic.
Odin drank her all up
and then he got sick.

Robin's dead!
She bumped her head!
Slipped on a wet spot!
Clay's picture was just too hot!

Broad Julie's last words were
Tell Johnny I was
thinking of him
the whole time

Melissa screamed
and fell over dead.
She's missed by Charlie
and her good friend Ed.

Here lies Jan
Who loved not only wisely
But too well.

Lecherous Broad Lisa is no more
She's dead on the floor
With tongue to the screen
She let out a loud scream
She will love her man Clay evermore

Here lies Lecherous Broad Erin,
Who couldn't help but keep starin',
At the picture of Clay in Elle.
Her pulse raced, and her heart did swell.
Just before her demise she said:
"I can't believe they cropped out my head!"

There were too many stones for them to read;
Odin got bored and went off and peed.

And what was it that did the Broads in you may wonder?
How did a sweet boy like Clay put them all 6 feet under?
Beware, oh beware, lest you suffer their fate
Do not look upon this pic or you too will be "Late"

You looked! Now you're dead too, aren't you?

Welcome to Broad Heaven.

Broadbituaries by the Late Broads
Robin, Julie, Nelle, Marie, Wendy in Fl, Sherry, Jan, Erin, Lisa, Melissa, and Kelly
Page composed posthumously by Katynka
Wonderful drawings by the Late Great Edward Gorey;
Clay Aiken photo by a future saint