The Boston Red Sox are on the brink of playing in the World Series!. Anyone who knows them, believes that they are truly a Cursed team, going back to the ill fated trade of Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees lo those many years ago. How else can one explain the many times over seventy plus years that the crown was snatched from their grasp at the very last minute?
The same trusty reporter who leaked the First Debate questions has conducted an interview with a few of the hopeful team members, in hopes of imparting some sound advice on winning.
First thing, of course, that brings luck to the team will be the choosing of the artist who sings the National Anthem..and there is no one more lucky than singing star Clay Aiken! He will set you off on the right foot { size thirteen and a half } It might be a good idea to have him also sing This Is the Night just to keep confidence high.
One of the reasons the Yankees have been so successful is their stripey uniforms... simple. tailored and distinctive. But stripes are over and perhaps it is time for Boston to make a brave choice and, after all these years, make a fashion statement....one that says I AM HERE and I am not afraid to express myself!
Before the game begins, perhaps the Sox starting pitcher could stand on the mound and have Clay Aiken sing 'I Will Go The Distance', inspiring them to pitch a complete game...
and then, after he throws out the first ball, Clay will give every player a big Aiken hug!
Each time a player reaches third base, I suggest that you pause the game and have Clay Aiken stand next to the catcher at Home and sing Run To Me.
Even a red blooded, heterosexual male will not be able to resist that come on!
At any point in the games, should the team fall behind, Clay Aiken should be brought on the field to sing several choruses of Bridge Over Troubled Water...to rally the troops and provide eye candy for the fans.
During the Seventh Inning Stretch, in addition to God Bless America, Clay Aiken should be allowed to sing Fields Of Gold while the grounds crew tidies up the place.
The old Boston Mascot, Wally, the Green Monster ...
... should be replaced by Raleigh, the Boston Bitch.
If, by chance, a player makes an ego deflating error in the field, Clay Aiken should be brought out to discuss Vincent and to share how one can bounce back and do better the next time.
When the Red Sox win, the elated fans should join Clay Aiken on the field and sing a medley of I Survived You, Look What Love Has Done and Perfect Day.
Every female fan at the game will have five minutes alone with Aiken in the team clubhouse. Aiken will take a shower and with only a towel wrapped around his waist, the fan will be allowed to spray him with Champagne.
And ... in the unlikely case that the Red Sox lose, the name of the team should immediately be changed to the Boston Purple Sox ..
... and Clay Aiken should be hired for the entire 2005 season. We WILL break this curse ... even if Clay Aiken has to sing at every game for the next twenty years! Baseball may no longer be The National Pastime... but Clay Aiken IS!
The Boston Red Sox are on the brink of playing in the World Series!. Anyone who knows them, believes that they are truly a Cursed team, going back to the ill fated trade of Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees lo those many years ago. How else can one explain the many times over seventy plus years that the crown was snatched from their grasp at the very last minute?
