Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2007-10-17
11:52 p.m.

Eggs, Tomato, Clay Aiken, and Spam

�You Won�t Succeed On Broadway�
(from Spamalot, music and lyrics by John DuPrez and Eric Idle, lovingly rewritten by Julie)

MIKE NICHOLS:
So, you know of this "Broadway?"

ERIC IDLE:
Yes sir...and we won't stand a chance there.

MIKE:
Why not?

ERIC:
Because...the Broad Way is a very purple place,
filled with very purple people,
people who can laugh and lech,
often at the same time!
They are an enthusiastic people,
a multi-talented people,
a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry sir, but we don�t stand a chance without a change of cast.

MIKE:
But why?

ERIC:
Well...let me put it like this.

In any great adventure
Where you�re up against the odds
Victory depends upon the volume of applause
So, listen, Nichols darling. This is true, by the gods:
We won�t succeed on Broadway
If we don�t attract the Broads!

You may have the finest sets
With architectural bras and nets
You may have the stripey socks and awesome shoes
You have won yourself a Tony
But I think they�ll cry �Baloney!�
You'll hear no cheers,
Just lots and lots of boos.

BROADS:
Boo.

ERIC:
Hire bimbos by the score
Wearing skimpy things galore
You may even give them tassels they can twirl
Sure, the average Fred and Kirk
Would find that a piece of work
But I tell you, you�re a jerk
If you don�t bring in the gurrls

They won't care if it's funny,
or if our smiles are sunny,
They could toss our killer bunny in the pan
Nobody will come, sir
If we don�t give a bit of yum, sir
Gotta start the new year off with a new plan
Put on shows that bring �em in
Make him show a bit of skin
You may even get a thumbs-up from Diane!

DIANE:
You�re getting closer!

ERIC:
The audience will queue, sir
As long as we come through, sir
And open up on Broadway
With a measure of his fans.

We could have dramatic singing
That inspires angel-winging
We could even have that white boy cut a rug
Get a star that gets them humming
Keeps the audiences coming
(Note to costumer to keep the star�s tights snug)

So, despite our pretty lights
And naughty girls in nasty tights
It seems the best we ever manage is a shrug
We�ve no stagedoor Janie�s mobbin�
With their girly-parts a-throbbin�
�Cause they won�t warm up to Robin
If he�s not cuter than a bug!

We could fill the seats with birds
Who doth covet �ber-nerds

BROADS:
We�ll immortalize you on our site someday!

MIKE:
So, you�re saying we�ve a shot
At renewing Spamalot
If we cast this bit of Carolina Clay?

ERIC:
There's a very large percentile,
Who enjoy this geeky gentile,
They come for miles to plunder and maraud

But never mind your swordplay
We could kick some butt on Broadway
If we do this thing the smart way
And we butter up the Broads!

-- song and graphic blandishment by Julie, with lots of assistance and support from Jill and Karen Eh?

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