Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2005-05-18
6:11 p.m.

May the Voice Be With You ...


Not so long ago, in a galaxy not so far away ...on the remote planet of Charlotooine...Young Clay Skywalker dreamed of becoming a Jedi Star.

Through a series of events Skywalker found himself in the company of Obi-Wan Sedaka, who unbeknownst to young Skywalker, used to be a great Jedi Star in a time before the Empire. A time when beautiful music played on radios everywhere ...

To see if he was Jedi-worthy, Obi Wan asked Clay to sing for him. Clay sang 'Solitaire' and when it was over, Obi Wan had a tear in his eye and a frog in his throat.

ObiWan: You sing, you sing ... like Grand Moff Tarkin strangles underlings. Perfection! And I would KILL to write and produce your first album.

Obi Wan told him about how the Empire, under the iron fist of Darth Vegas had built a DeathStar to block good music from the radio.

In order to be a Jedi Star ... he needed to destroy the DeathStar ... and rid the galaxy of the Evil Darth Vegas forever ...

Using Jedi Eyef*cks, Sedaka taught young Skywalker how to command and eventually hypnotize at will ... the two managed to join forces with a young personal assistant (Nick Solo) and an out of work bodyguard (Chewrome) who just so happened to have A LOT of frequent flyer miles ...

Nick: I've got a bad feelin' about this Chewy ...

Chewrome: GrrrrrrrrGRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr

Obi Wan managed to convince them to take him and Skywalker to meet Princess Nella ... of Broaderaan. Where they enlisted the forces of her army of Broads.

Clay: Mahhh .. what big donuts you have ...

Nella: (in her BroaderaanOtan accent) Why thank you Claaaay ... Nice saber ...

Obi Wan continued to coach young Skywalker on his vocal techniques ...

Obi Wan: Use the voice Clay, use the voice ... feel the song, become one with it ...

Princess Nella made no secret about her obvious affection for the young Skywalker ...

Nella: I'll make him hit those high notes ... *snicker*

*****************************

When Obi Wan felt that he had trained Clay as much as he could he sent him to the RCAgeba system to meet with the wise Cliva ...

Cliva: The voice is strong in this one I feel.

Cliva told young Skywalker about Darth Vegas, who also used to be a great Jedi Star until he was seduced by the dark side of the business.

Cliva: Twisted by the Dark Side, Lord Vegas has become ...

Then, Cliva hopped on Clay's back and made him run through the forest singing 'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me' as part of his training ...

Clay collapsed after an hour gulping for air.

Clay: Ah can't ... Ah'm out of breath ..."

Cliva: We must complete your training ... B or B flat, there is no sharp!"

After as much training as he could stand ... Clay knew what he had to do. He packed up his belongings and headed back to the Rebel Base where Nick, Chewy and Nella awaited his return.

The Rebel Alliance had plans to destroy the DeathStar and it centered around Clay taking out the all powerful Lord Vegas ...

While Nick assisted and Chewrome protected ... Princess Nella and her Broads worked their way into the center of the DeathStar to await the signal.

Clay found himself alone with the Evil Darth Vegas ...

Darth: Clay, you are my child.

Clay: No, I am NAWT your child!!

Darth: Join me .. on the dark side ... it is your Destiny! We will rule radio forever!!!!!

Clay: No! Never ... I'll never join you ...

Darth: Then prepare to sing for your life ...

The two began trading verses from songs containing looooong glory notes ...

*****************************

Meanwhile .... While the two Divas were singing themselves into throat damage ... Princess Nella and her Army of Broads had planted the explosives and were ready for the signal ...

Nick: Is he STILL singing???

Chewrome: GGgggrrrrrrrrrrrGGGGGGGGrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRGggggggRRRRR

Nella: (dreamily) Isn't he just the greatest ...

Nick: Sorry your highness ...

Chewrome: GGGGGGGGRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrggRRRRRRRRgggggrRRRRRRRR

Nick: Good one Chewrome ...

Nella: Hey ... what did he say???

Nick: Sorry, I don't speak bodyguard ... *chuckling*

Chewrome: GGGGGGGGRrrrrrrrrrgGGGGGGGGRrrrrrrrrrrrrr

*****************************

Clay and Darth were still locked in a sing-off ... when Clay heard a familiar voice ...

Obi Wan: (voice over) Use the voice Clay ... Use the voice ...

Clay took a deep breath and kept going ... holding his last note for nearly a minute ...

Finally Darth Vegas could take no more ... gasping for air, he hit the ground and took off his mask.

Darth: This is what you'll be in 30 years ...

Clay: Oh no ... I will NAWT be like you ...

Having defeated Darth Vegas, Clay gave the all clear signal and Princess Nella and Nick and Chewy destroyed the Death Star ...

*****************************

*Solitaire blaring in the background*

The Rebel Alliance bestowed their highest medals of honor ....

And everyone enjoyed radio happily ever after ...

The End

Kat: Annnnd that's a wrap ...

Wendy: Could somebody get this walking carpet outta here??

Chewrome: GrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggrrrrrrrrGRRRRRRRRRRR


*Barry Manilow was not injured in the making of this main page.


Written/Photoshopped By: The Wentynka .... (aka Wendy in FL and Katynka)

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