2008-09-28
9:41 p.m.

TIME'S UP!

Julie strides to the podium, a single notecard in her hand. She tests the microphone.

::tap tap tap::

A brief squeee of feedback startles the crowd.

Julie: Ahem. May I have everyone�s attention, please?

Good morning. I just have a quick announcement to make, and then I�ll field questions.

As you have already heard, Clay Aiken has revealed to the public early last week that he is, in fact, a gay man. Today I inform you that as of midnight Saturday, September 27th, it is no longer acceptable to make �gay jokes� at Clay�s expense.

Julie raises her hand to quell the rising murmurs from the crowd.

As all of you in the comedy business know, gay jokes are only �funny� when the subject is either straight, or merely presumed to be homosexual. This is why your monologues are not filled with snarky innuendo about Sir Ian McKellan, who is, as you all know, as gay as gay gets. There is nothing funny about being gay, but there is apparently something funny about calling someone �gay�. To some people, anyway.

So anyway, if any of you choose to continue to write material about Clay Aiken, feel free to make fun of something else about him. Like his big penguin feet.

I�ll now take questions. Yes...Conan O�Brien.

Conan: I don�t think I understand.

Julie: There�s a surprise.

Conan: No, seriously. How is it not acceptable to do the comedy that I do? Funny is funny. I mean, when I showed a photoshopped picture of Clay in bed next to a Hassidic Jew and said he was celebrating Hannukah, it got a huge laugh.

Julie: And who was laughing, Conan? Be honest.

Conan: ::looks down at his lap:: Stupid people.

Julie: You�ll get through this. I�m sure there�s some other guy out there who�s going through a rough patch in his life that you can ridicule and make yourself feel superior.

Conan: Well, it is what I do best�

Julie: You�ll be fine. Just make sure the writing is clever enough, and you might actually create �humor�. I still won�t watch your show, though. Next question�Ryan Seacrest.

Ryan: So are you saying it was okay for me to say �In other news, water is wet and ice cream is cold� on my radio show last week since I beat the deadline?

Julie: Well, you did beat the deadline. But you still should be careful about what you say about people. Glass houses and all that. Nice beard, by the way. ::turns to Conan:: See how I did that? It works because Ryan isn�t gay. Right, Ryan?

Ryan rolls his eyes, picks up his �man-purse�, and leaves in a huff.

Julie: All right, all right, Kathy Griffin, I see you. People notice you just fine without having to stand on Margaret Cho�s shoulders all the time. I assume you have a question?

Kathy: Yes. First of all, love your hair. And the rack is killer. Who did those?

Julie: Some of us grow our own. Did you have a real question?

Kathy: Yes. Yes. Okay. Umm�okay. Like, 80 percent of my act is about Clay Aiken. Seriously. But, like, what am I supposed to do?

Julie: Write new material.

Kathy: But my audience loves it! They love it when a guy is in the closet and won�t come out and I make fun of him for it. It�s comedy gold!

Julie: First of all, if you and your audience feel it�s okay to laugh at someone�s sexuality, and find that ridicule, rather than acceptance, is a good and helpful way to pave the way for young men and women to come out, then I can�t help that. But right now, your favorite subject matter is out. He�s a strong, successful, kindhearted man who has done more with this simple act of honesty to make people realize that gays don�t all look like the guys in the Village People than your brand of humor will ever do.

Kathy: But�

Julie: Throwing �no really, I love Clay Aiken� in the middle of a diatribe ridiculing his sexuality isn�t the same thing as acting as though you actually love him.

Kathy: But I was right! I was right all along and you can�t stand it!

Julie: Fine. You were right about that. And the man you started making fun of back in 2003 was someone who had only just recently said �I�m gay� out loud to another person for the first time in his life. You were trying to tear someone out of the closet when you didn�t know him or his private reasons for keeping quiet. Private reasons. You know as well as I do that everyone has their own story, and the right to tell it in their own time. Besides, there are lots of celebrities to talk about. I mean, Sharon Stone still goes out in public saying crazy things, doesn�t she?

Kathy: Sharon Stone! Oh my God, I totally forgot about her!

Julie: Jimmy Kimmel, what can I do for ya?

Jimmy: I just wanted to make sure if it�s still okay that Clay and I are dating.

Julie: Sure. You and Clay together making jokes about your relationship is fine. You did it the right way. Congratulations on that Emmy, by the way.

Jimmy: Thanks. That reminds me�if Clay wants to do a song like the ones we did about Matt Damon and Ben Affleck�?

Julie: If he wants to do that, I�ll really enjoy it. But that would be up to him, which is really the point.

Jimmy: That�s what I thought. Thanks. ::turns and sticks his tongue out at Kathy Griffin::

Julie: I�ve got time for one more. Yes, Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog?

Triumph: Yes, I have not so much a question as a comment. Clay has put up with a lot of crap from all of us for a long time, and I just wanted to say that he is a cool guy. For me to poop on.

-- Julie