2005-10-27
8:57 a.m.

Vignettes at The Ranch
That just sounds durrty!

In a recent press release, the news broke that Clay Aiken wrote vignettes to be included in the Joyful Noise 2005 show:

Naturally, the Lecherous Broads want to be cast in their local productions....and, equally naturally, Clay would want to include his Broads....he knows they are EVERYWHERE, and, wanting to keep his vignettes sooper seekrit, he knows he can trust his Broads to be discreet...

Writer!Director!Clay! arrives at The Double-O Wild BEVR Ranch to find his Lecherous Broads eagerly gathered for their tryouts...

Clay: Now Broads, please line up, and I'll bring you up for your auditions one at a time.

Broads in unison: *moaning* OhMyGawd!

Clay: Well, Ah'm glad you are practicin' your Joyful Noises, but Ah think we'll need something a little more, uhhh, reverent for the show. Now, Ah have a sample script for you to read from...it's not the script, of course...Ah'm tryin to keep that secret, like mah CD release date. *wink*

The Broads wait their turn in comfy seats while one at a time they join Clay on the stage of the small modern amphitheater that they built on The Ranch grounds last week. (What? We needed it for this MP! The Lecherous Broads are all about supporting the arts!)

Clay: Ok, now Ah have a little scene where you are arriving for a Christmas party...you know, sort of like the one in A Clay Aiken Christmas TV special:

allison: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her) Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Clay: Whut? That is nawt in this script! Next!

In this scene you will need to be bundled up for the cold weather, try to think about mah hat and scarf from the Rockefeller Tree Lighting:

Kathy in Hershey: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her) Kiss me, kiss me as if it were the last time!

Clay: Uhhh, no, let me see that script�hey!!! Next!

Here's a scene when you need to act lahk you don't know how to ice skate....you know, sort of lahk Ah had to act lahk Ah didn't know how to play the piano last summer:

Lisa M: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her) Why don't you come up and see me sometime. I�m home every evening.

Clay: Oh mah gosh! Now, Ah know all about acting sexy:

But, that is nawt what this show is about! Next!

This scene establishes your character as an angry person�for some reason mah fans seem to enjoy it when Ah act all angsty and angry and whatnot on stage�

Shieldmaiden: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her) Shut up. Just shut up�You had me at hello.

Clay: Huh! Do you Broads want mah teacher self to come out?

Broads in unison: Unggghhhh!

Clay: NEXT!

Now, for this scene, you are working at, uhhh, lahk a hotel, but in the olden days, and there is no room at the hotel when this couple arrives to check in...

Jill: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her) I�d like to run barefoot through your hair.

Clay: *eyes her pink stilettos*

NEXT!

*hands the next Broad her script without any direction�*

joanie: (not looking at the script Clay has handed her...betcha saw that coming!) You know how to whistle don't you, Clay? Just put your lips together and blow.

Clay: Whut on earth? Whut about mah Joyful Noise Tour would make you start talkin' about lips?!?!?

Broads in Unison: BWAH!

Clay: *cough* NEXT!

Lady Luke: When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the icebox!

Clay: *blushes* *cough* NEXT!

Now, *ahem* in this scene, there will be snow falling, and, ummm, well, Ah�ve worked with fake snow, and you need to act cold�you just have to fake�

Raleighgurrl: mmmmm�oooooo�.yes, yes�mmmmm�.yes�ohhhhhh�

*Before Clay has a chance to respond, Nelle rolls a piece of stage equipment onstage:*

Remaining Broads in unison: *clapping* Squeeeeee!!!!

Raleighgurrl, continuing: Yes! Oh my, ungggh�.

Clay: *into cell phone* Mary, please go ahead and hire actors from the local community theater groups....Ah'll be, uhhh, delayed at The Ranch for a few days for some extra, ummm, rehearsals. Yes, you were right�.yes, you told me this would happen�.yea, Ah think deep down Ah knew it would, too�yes, Ah�m sure they will�.*giggle*�.yes, Ah will, too�ok, see you in Vancouver.

Raleighgurrl, continuing: mmm�ooooooo�..Yes! Oh YES!

Clay: into cell phone* No Mary, you can�t have what she�s having. Ciao!

*switches cell phone off and turns to his Lecherous Broads*

~~~

Nelle, Karen Eh, Jannet, and Wendy in FL

Thanks to Carol in FL for her theatrical consultation
Thanks to the Clack gatherers, especially Invisible926, Tasapio and Spotlightlover

Directory of quotes:

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?
- As spoken by Juliet, from William Shakespeare�s Romeo and Juliet, 1597
~ ~
Kiss me, kiss me as if it were the last time!
- As spoken by Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca, 1942
~ ~
Why don't you come up and see me sometime. I�m home every evening.
- As spoken by Mae West in She Done Him Wrong, 1933
~ ~
Shut up. Just shut up�You had me at hello.
- As spoken by Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire, 1996
~ ~
I�d like to run barefoot through your hair.
- As spoken by Jean Harlow in Bombshell, 1933
~ ~
You know how to whistle don't you, Clay? Just put your lips together and blow.
- As spoken (paraphrased�she spoke to �Steve�) by Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not, 1944
~ ~
When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the icebox!
- As spoken by Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch, 1955
~ ~
mmmmm�oooooo�.yes, yes�mmmmm�.yes�ohhhhhh
Yes! Oh my, ungggh�.
mmm�ooooooo�..Yes! Oh YES!
- As spoken (paraphrased) by Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, 1989