2003-03-22
11:46 a.m.

Research Group Formed

There I was, putting laundry away and tut-tutting over the various pitch and lack-of-personality problems The New Kids on the Chopping Block were exhibiting. Then the first note of Don�t Let the Sun Go Down on You sounded. The powerful emanations made me weak in the knees and I collapsed. Luckily, the bed was right there or I�d be writing from the convalescent home.

My fellow Lecherous Broads and Broadsters, let me introduce myself: I am Chandra Watkins. By day, I write science news for an esteemed international organization. By the rest of the time, I try to figure out what this obsession is and how and why it has taken over my life. Where once I used to google terms like �diacylglycerol,� I now google �Clay Aiken.� What�s up with that?

Because I am involved in science and because we live in troubled times, I have taken it upon myself to investigate the nature of Clayton Aiken�s effect on the population. It is conceivable that there is more to this story than the simple hunger for a Sweet Piece of Southern Pie. Without wishing to be alarmist, I ask you to observe yourself carefully for signs of possible tampering by foreign forces. To help us get to the root of this widespread phenomenon, I have formed a foundation and will be conducting research on the mechanism of C.A.�s action.

Stay tuned for further reports from the Committee for Limiting Aiken Yearning (CLAY).

Chandra Watkins