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2003-04-11
Pheromones ATLANTA, GA, April 11�In a stunning scientific breakthrough, researchers in Atlanta have proposed a mechanism for Clay Aiken�s effect on his admirers. Aiken, a 24-year-old from Raleigh, N.C., has been linked to the outbreak of sudden acute rapture syndrome (sars), an illness that causes rampant sexual fantasies and time-wasting behaviors in men and women. Sars has swept much of the world in the six weeks since Aiken first appeared as a contestant on Fox TV�s American Idol talent program. �Using Kirlian photography, we have established that Aiken releases vocal and visual pheromones,� said Dr. Aloysius Cornwrinkle, task force head and director of the Infectious Disease Unit of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta. Pheromones are special aromatic chemical compounds discharged by one individual that affect the sexual physiology of another. Although animals have long been known to secrete pheromones, the new research is the first to establish their existence in audio and visual form, Cornwrinkle said. Aiken is the only person so far to show evidence of vocal and visual pheromones in such substantial amounts. The effect of Aiken�s performances on those with receptors that match his emanations is profound, the CDC said, and until an antidote is found, the only cure is total abstinence from listening or looking at the precious little cutie. Can you imagine anything more unthinkable? ?? I mean, like, it�s no wonder Carmen went crazy and threw herself in his arms. Wouldn�t you? I mean, really? So just forget the other night�s sleazy show of young lust and listen to the Boy Wonder. [Editor�s note: The author of this news story was overcome by sars at this point. We have chosen to release the incomplete news story at this time as a public service.] --Chandra blog comments powered by Disqus |