Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2003-08-19
7:27 a.m.

BEVR: Prudence/St. Louis

Broad's Eye View Report: Prudence/St. Louis

Gather 'round, kiddies, while I whisper a tale of lusty fun. I'd shout it out, but well ... can't. I gave my voice to Clay in St. Louis. But it was worth it, and I will happily croak like this for the rest of my life...

Clay Frenzy

The frenzy starts the week prior to Sunday's show. Annie, Beth, Karen, and I are seized with the urge -no, the compulsion - to see Our Man Clay shake his thang in St Louis so instead of going to church or tending to chores, we spend the morning seeking, buying, trading and selling tickets. At the end of the mad scramble, we not only all have tickets, so do several other Broads, including NB Kath and Stephanie. And Annie has enough to bring along Favorite Lurkers, Lisa A and Melissa. The excitement and anticipation build to fever build through the week. Thank god I'm overworked or I'd have been a pure puddle by Saturday. As it is, I don't have time to even think about Clay until we're on the way.


The Broads Have Landed

St. Louis becomes a veritable LBFCA convention! And may I say how much I adore all of you -

Karen - Now here's a Broad of Experience and Expertise!! Our Concert Whore also is a party hearty gal loaded with insight and a sense of FUN. But y'all already knew that, didn't you?

NB Kath - What a delight our New Broad Kath is! She seems quiet at first, but wait 'til you see her smile. Love your calm approach, gal.

Beth - The Friggin' Wax Goddess IS a Friggin' Wax Goddess!! She came loaded with wax to share and spare. Thank you, dear Beth, for the Sugar Pie Honey Bunch - it's a "very special edition" indeed. And especially thank you for connecting me to Karen that fateful Sunday. I owe you big time.

Annie - That Broad's a born storyteller! And boy, did she have some funny stories to tell. Will let her share them with you ... but YOU ROCK, WOMAN. Love you deeply, truly, madly - You, Lisa A and Melissa are My Broads, always and forever.

And wait'll you see the Claycelet Annie and Lisa A. made. It's a treasure!! People keep wanting to buy it off my wrist. Ha! Fat chance.

Later, I also meet MnM (you'll see below) and get a cute LBFCA badge from Gail - thank you!!


We Slept With Clay!

Well, as close as we're ever gonna get. We're staying at the Hyatt Regency, which turns out to be a most excellent choice. The Idols stop there for the night, too. I'm content just knowing that Our Baby Clay is resting somewhere so near. Sister wants to know who's on top.


Clay Day!

Everywhere we go we bump into Clay fans - from Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois - It's amazing! Among the first we run into is a woman who tells us she just saw Charles and Ricky in Union Station. We couldn't wait for Charles to get voted off AI and actually danced with glee when he did, but that doesn't stop us from scooting over to the shop of the Charles Sighting. Judy hangs back, but I get a hug. He's really adorable up close and his parents are absolutely the sweetest people on earth. Mr. Grigsby makes a point of telling us that Charles and Ruben are the "two most real people on the tour." Hmmmm.

Drip sweat for two hours in skin-scorching heat, waiting for a glimpse of the Idols. Well, one Idol. You know who I mean. In a clever ploy, I ask Clay's bus driver if he knew how much he looks like Nick Cage. He then tries to tell me that I should get out of the heat -- Clay will not be gettin' on that bus. I actually believe him, but elect to show my devotion and solidarity with the Clarmen Couple by sweating more profusely with them for another hour.

SHOUT OUT to MEESH613!! (All right. So it's more of a Croak Out. It's still heartfelt!) Meesh loves Clay, her husband Kevin loves Carmen - together they're the Clarmen Couple. And a darling couple they are. If we had to bake in the dripping heat for two-plus hours with anyone, Meesh, we're darned glad it's you, baby.

We do see Charles, Rickey (beautiful smile; he takes time to reach out to the kids who are lined up), Trenyce (too tiny for words!), Carmen (shoots like a rocket into the bus without so much as a glance; Annie's convinced she's terrified of the fans), Kim C (she favors me with a smile as I walk right in front of her and don't even realize it) and Julia (a full, sweet smile). No Clay, Ruben or KLo. Apparently Nick-Cage Driver speaks with straight tongue. Unlike Joe Security. But what the heck, he's paid to lie to us. Joe stages an elaborate deception, looking like Ruben and Clay are coming, all the while sneaking the out the side entrance. Good job, Joe!


We ROCK!

Jude and I gear up. Red tops - check. Red shoes - check. Signs - check. Time to head for the Hard Rock Cafe. The place is packed to the rafters with Clay fans from across the United Claynations. I briefly meet Broad Stephanie and see some great snaps from the Memphis show. Meet a cute couple from PRoC (yay Amy & Tony!) and Kallie47 from TTC. MnM - That Broad is Beyond FUN. She single-handedly gets the place jumping! First, with her energetic and much improved rendition of "Y-M-C-A" as "C-L-A-Y" complete with body signals. Love it! Then she gave the DJ a Clay DVD and the crowd goes insane!! I, of course, remain calm and sedate as becomes the LBFCA Grammarian, never once jumping up and screaming and dancing to a mere video. No, really, that must have been some other Wild Broad.

Eventually, we set out for the Savvis Center. On the way out, we run into "AllisonAiken," who is just coming from the Meet & Greet. She tells us Clay is even more handsome in person She also tells us what an inspiration he is. A woman at the M&G had her autistic son with her, and Allison says Clay spent a lot of time focusing on the boy, getting him to make eye contact and talking directly with him. We walk to the Savvis feeling all warm inside, knowing it's true - Clay is as good as he looks!

Unfortunately, we soon become even warmer on the outside. The Savvis Center folks don?t open the doors on time, so we stand around, once again dripping in the heat. Did I mention how painful that heat is? Sucks the air out of you. But we watch a kid with a striking resemblance to Clay do a credible job singing Build Me Up Buttercup for the crowd. Later on, during the show, he was shown on the Jumbotron with a sign reading, "Clay's Twin" and Ruben said, "He does look kinda like you."


The Big Event

We finally get admitted into the beloved, blessed A/C. Sis and I run to the floor with MnM - and nearly pass out when we see our faboo seats. 2nd row, so close, near dead center. We can't believe. We're so excited, the security guard cracks up just watching us.

Judy calls her daughter in Colorado to apologize for never letting her eat Pop Tarts as a child. They're sponsoring Clay, so if Xanna wants to eat Pop Tarts, go ahead. Xanna thinks her mom is nuts. All I can say is, if she thought her mom is nuts at the start of the night, she should have seen her at the end!

We were there to see Clay and only Clay. But since we had to see everyone else, we can't help having thoughts.

Charlie - Can't hear a word that boy sings. Probably a good thing. He does have the moves and he is sweet. I know his parents are sitting just three rows behind us, so I stand up and give him a shout...

Julia - Stage presence of a plastic prop. But she can sing. Nicely. I'm surprised how much I like her, especially later in her duet with...

Rickey - Another pleasant surprise. Actually the biggest surprise for me. Hated him on the show, but here he's pretty good. At least a lot less insufferable than...

KimberC - No doubt left. That girl is a skank 'ho' at heart. Really. Not much of a singer, but she has a lot of energy and she does excite the boys in her "I wanna be Britney' cargo pants. But then so does...

Carmen - Good grief. What is she doing here? Sorry Kevin, but she cannot sing. She cannot dance. She's afraid of the fans. And for all her protestations of innocence, she's obviously learning to shake her booty from KimberC, rather than the rockin'...

Trenyce - Gotta give her some props. Her imitation of Tina Turner is good. As is her later imitation of Whitney. She really puts on the show. Just wonder if there's a real Trenyce rather than an imitation, someone as real as...

KLo - Here's our big disappointment of the night. She can sing, but unlike Trenyce she doesn't bother to put on the show. She projects... oh, I don't know... a real disdain for the audience. She'd be more at home in a lounge, than in a concert hall.

Ruben - Came predisposed to dislike him, not only because of R Kelly connection, Flava lawsuit, Rolling Stone interview, but also because we've read he has the personality of a boulder, the stage presence of a lamp post. Turns out he has a bit more than that. He does rumble across stage now and again and, well, can?t deny that he sings okay, mostly. But every time he's on, I?m thinking what a waste to have him singing an extra song, rather than our beloved...

Clay - Oh, my. He's so ON tonight. High energy. Relaxed. Happy to the point of goofy. Perfect hair. He is simply incredible. He brings it home every moment he's on stage. No question he's a born entertainer. Everything you've heard is TRUE -- he is simply amazing, mesmerizing, magical. His three solos were so worth the whole show...

This Is The Night - When he rises up out of the mist, the crowd roars. It truly is deafening. We're on our feet, weak in the knees. He wears the dark purple tie and a label ribbon pin for the autism society. At the end, he simply glows, basking in the crowd's adulation. Just then, I love him, really love him, and want to cry when he introduces Ruben and disappears.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight - Clay looks drop-dead gorgeous in simple black shirt and jeans... and he's well aware of the affect he's having on us. Sings nearly to the end, pauses, crosses the stage and MILKS us for it before delivering the last word of the song. We scream harder than ever.

Invisible - Clay bends, tugs, skips, hops, commands that stage. The Blues jersey is beautiful. He's beautiful in it. I scream so loud and long that at one point my bridge rattles in my mouth. I think "D**n, I'm going to lose my teeth over you. Better tone it down a notch." Then Clay does The Move and I scream louder and longer, joyfully giving him my voice. You all can have the clutch, the tug and the yank. I'm keeping The Move for myself. You know the one. The incredibly hot moment where he presses his right forearm into his ribs and twists slightly. The moment when it becomes nearly impossible to resist leaping over the chairs in front of you to fling yourself against said forearm, ribcage, hot action bod. That Move is Mine.

Of course, he's also part of the medleys and group songs. Love the White Suit more than I thought I would. Adore the Elvis pose at the start of the BeeGees medley. Worship every movement, every comment, every second he is on stage.


Broad Moment #1

Clay & Ruben are bantering after TGIM. Judy and I hold up a two-part sign. I have "Nothing to Throw" ... Judy?s got, "... But Kisses XXX" and we madly blow kisses at them. Clay sees it and points at us. Later on, we raise the signs again, with kisses flying wildly, and Clay actually WINKS at us. I ask Judy, "Did I just see what I thought I saw? Was Clay winking at us?" and by golly, he was.

Broad Moment #2

Karen's Krispy Kreme boxers hit the stage, wrapped around a stuffed armadillo. Clay picks them up, glances down and away, then literally does a double take as he realizes what he's seeing - Krispy Kremes. He doesn't comment, simply tosses them to the stage hand along with everything else, but he definitely has noticed them!!

Broad Moment #3

Karen's fantabulous light-up sign was shown on the Jumbotron! And Clay saw it!! Way to go, Broad!

Broad Moment #4

Judy and I sign "I Love You" - and Clay acknowledges us with a nod. The way he connects with the audience, acknowledging small things like this, is amazing.

Behind us, a young adolescent girl wears a ClayCrown and homemade Clay Shirt. She's holding a sign reading, Clay My Name is Kelli. He sees it and actually points her out, saying "This is my Kelly." He's just made a memory that's going to last that girl a lifetime. I love him even more for it.

I could go on and on with small memories of my own, pre- and post-concert, but this is long enough as it is. Time to stop croakin' at you.

Broads on the East who've seen him - hope this brought back a few memories of your own.

Broads to the West who are gettin' ready - hope this added to your anticipation. I envy you getting to see him soon...

prudence


-Note from Nelle: You, too, can participate in the LBFCA Summer Series, and have your Broad's Eye View Report, or, for any other Brude's out there, your Summary of Clay, about Clay's Summer Concert Tour on the LBFCA Main Page. Just send it to Nelle via email, and she'll post it ASAP. (If you are a lurker, or otherwise wish to remain anonymous, just let me know that in your email). Don't worry about your BEVR not being the same size or looking the same as anyone elses. Here at LBFCA we celebrate diversity. Every BEVR is unique. This is your personal experience of witnessing what Katynka so gloriously described as "a little hockey-jersey-clutchin,' white-leather-wearin,' DTTR revealin,' mic-flickin,' thigh-strokin,' eye-f***ing, smokin,' jokin,' singin,' hunk-o-burnin' libido."

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