Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2003-08-19
10:39 p.m.

BEVR: Beth/St. Louis

BEVR: Beth aka The Friggin' Wax Goddess' : St Louis (with comments from Erin, my 21 yr old daughter, to be known in this report as Mini-Me) THE MOTHER OF ALL BEVRS:

Timeline:

Mon aft: T:6 days & counting. My binoculars arrive, I try them out by focusing on people in my office. OMG, Waldo has no chance of hiding from these puppies. Giddy. Co-workers think I've lost my friggin' mind today. Shows what they know, my friggin' mind was lost a loooong time ago.

Mon eve: T: still 6 days & counting. I have ruined 2 T-shirts & 3 packs of iron on transfers in my feeble attempts at making special Clay shirts. I ruined the first one, got upset, proceeded to iron on the first transfer on the second shirt upside down. Swore furiously, threw away both shirts, realized I just wasted $35, swore furiously again. Bought 2 more T-shirts, this time $4 Wal-Mart specials, and 3 more packs of transfers. Thanks to ShieldMaidens' advice, was successful in my 2nd attempt. Giddy with my newfound crafting abilities, until I realized I just spent $60 on 2 $4 T-shirts. Swore furiously again.

Thursday eve: T:3 days & counting. Mr Beth, concerned about my mid-life crisis coupled with my impending Claybee weekend & sad state of financial affairs, leaves a love note & cash on my pillow. Mr Beth has never in his life left me a love note. I love Mr Beth. Full-out love him.

Friday aft: T:55 hrs & counting. My MIL, forever more to be known as the Evil Queen, desperately tries to suck the life out of my long anticipated weekend with the Great One. I go to my hair Goddess appt. in tears. She does her normal magic, talking soothingly to me the entire time, and I leave the hair salon blonder, shorter, & restored to my happy, lecherous self. God bless her.

Friday eve: T:48 hrs & counting. It's a flurry of activity. I am trying simultaneously to find clothing that fits me (not an easy chore), pack my suitcase, email each one of the St Louis Broads to finalize plans (with MSN going down on me [watch it Wendy] yet again), clean the Subaru, pack the special Clay candles, ensure that Mr Beth & my son have sustenance during my absence, yadda yadda yadda. I am panicking about leaving the purple pages for 3 days, and giddy with anticipation at the impending event. WARNING!: MINI-ME SAYS THE NEXT SENTENCE IS "TOO MUCH INFO, MOTHER, GOOD LORD!.......My body reacts to these emotions & I spend a large portion of the night, um, running back & forth to the restroom. Damn 45 yr old colon anyway.

Sat morn: T:36 hrs & counting. We're off! We drive to Kansas City to deliver my 9th row tickets to a wonderful couple. We meet up with no problem, I love them, they love Clayton, all is right with the world. Giddy. I decide to take this opportunity to explain to Mini-Me about the purple pages, BEVRS, and possible lecherous discussions. Mini-Me has had some introduction in the last few months, as I did force her to watch the video clip of the MSP Invisible performance. (twice) Mini-Me shoots me a dirty look, and says that I'm going to owe her big for this.

Sat aft: T:31hrs & counting. We miraculously arrive at the Hyatt Regency in Union Station without getting lost AT ALL! I am amazed, as I am normally in the land of the lost in big cities. I was sure I would end up taking wrong turns and ending up in East St Louis, never to be seen again. NOT! YEA! We pull up to the valet parking entrance, start unloading the Subaru, and a red sportscar pulls in behind us. An energetic blonde woman hops out, sees my LBFCA sign, and positively screams LECHEROUS BROADS! We hug and I find out she is Donna from the board! Such a small world! (waves to Donna & her friend as I type-hiya Broads!) We settle in to the room, take a walk around Union Station, looking for clothing stores as Mini-Me requires a new pair of jeans for the concert (remember I OWE her), and I require a tank top to wear underneath my big man red T-shirt. Nada clothing stores. Crap. I ask the clerk at the front desk for directions to a mall. She advises us to take the Metro to a certain stop, there will be a shuttle there. With much trepidation, we walk to the metro. We are immediately spotted to be out-of-town 'easy marks', and grifters set out after us with lightning speed. I give them a dollar so they'll leave us alone. A local woman starts screaming at them to quit grifting people, the security guard gets involved, the woman screams in my face, Mini-Me & I are horrified and try to shrink away from the melee. The metro finally comes, we hop on, get off at the appointed stop, walk up the stairs to find, nothing. Just a few kind of scary people, no shuttle, no directions to a mall. We walk around the corner, following a nice looking couple in hopes they are on their way to the mall. Not. Cars are driving by with rap music blaring, the neighborhood looks scary, Mini-Me and I look at each other with fear. We hop back on the metro and I focus on what I'm going to say to the desk clerk when we get back. Teenagers hop on the same car and start swearing and screaming at each other 2 seats back from us. Being small town people, we are well, scared. We arrive back at Union Station in tact, and decide the Metro is not for us. I should mention it is 104 degrees in the shade, by this time we are dehydrated and starving. We are sweaty messes & we look disheveled. We head for a seafood restaurant, running in to Clay fans on the way. The supper is $50 and really really crappy. I pick up a shrimp and there is a big ole poop vein hanging out. Mini-Me starts laughing hysterically. We leave and drag our dejected selves back to the room. We are no longer giddy.

Sat eve: T:22 hrs & counting. We arrange to meet with the Broads for a drink. Karen, Annie, Melissa, Lisa, Prudence, Judy, me & Mini-Me head down to Houlihan's. Wonderful to meet up with the Broads, lecherous discussions ensue, I feel better. Annie passes out these glorious bracelets, with special Clay charms & a card that explains what each charm means.

I loooooove it. I may never take it off. (waves & hugs to my bud Annie!) Mini-Me is lurking at the corner of the table, enjoying the surroundings and trying not to listen to the lecherous stuff. She shoots me another you owe me look. I now have to buy jeans and pay for a haircut. We go back to the room, at midnight deciding we HAVE to order the $18 room service Mt St Sundae. I'll let your imaginations take over on how delicious that thing was. I will tell you it involved 4 flavors of Haagen-Daaz & 3 flavors of cheesecake, with raspberry & chocolate sauce all over. Yummmmmm. We pig out and go to bed gastronimacally satisfied.

Sun morn: T:9 hrs & counting. We decide to take the Subaru to the Galleria mall. I call Broad Kath, she comes with, and we actually had to take CLAYTON ROAD to get to the mall. We decide it is a sign. We are giddy. I have on the beautiful bracelet Annie made for me, I jingle it every few minutes for good Clay luck. All is right with the world, we are having a great time in the car, when my cell ph rings and PROC woman CAP121 calls me and informs me the Idols are in the Hyatt and leaving at 1pm. It is 11:45am and we were planning on shopping until 1:30pm. I realize I SLEPT IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH MR CLAYTON AIKEN. I am unbelievably excited at that piece of news. OMG. Giddy doesn't cover the emotion I felt. Kath is also excited. We rush through that mall like our Broadly butts are on fire. Mini-Me gets her jeans, I get my tank, and with the thought of Claybee sleeping above me (hey, the fact that there were a few floors and ceilings between us makes no difference, I'm forever claiming now that I slept under OCB) I head towards the lingerie dept with a feeling of pure lust in my heart. I buy a wonderbra and, get ready for this, a THONG. Not to throw, to WEAR. ME. A 45 yr old woman. I feel naughty. YEEEHAAA!

Sun aft: T:6 hrs & counting. We position ourselves in the hotel lobby. There is a crowd of Clayfans congretated at the front door. We have cameras in hand, and we are primed for the hunt. There is a palpable feeling of excitement in the air. We see Jerome, Trenyce, Ricky, Carmen, Kimberly C, Charles, Julia, & Charles dad. Notes: Trenyce is wonderful, I said Hi Trenyce! as she was walking down the stairs, she stopped, turned, and said Hi! How are you? I was giddy. Julia was very nice also, she stopped even though she was late for the bus, and let me take her picture. Ricky was great, lots of smiles, very nice as he escorted the females down to the bus. Kimberly C. called me honey as I was trying to take her picture & my camera failed. She said, Oh honey, your camera didn't work. (I like her!) Carmen was (don't read this part Annie), a beyotch. She is the only one who wouldn't even look at us. Completely ignored us. I should mention our little group was being quiet, unobtrusive, and friendly. We stayed away from the raucous group outside the front door, and therefore got much better views and interaction. Charles was great, and his dad stopped and had like a 15 minute conversation with our little group.

He is the sweetest man I've ever met. Lisa kept telling me to 'be cool'. Apparently I was a little manic after hearing the news about sleeping under OCB. Come on guys, what do you expect? Mini-Me was forced to tell me to 'CALM DOWN MOTHER'. She's such a buzz-kill sometimes. (kidding here honey) New Broad Kath was kind enough to notice that I hadn't got off all the peel-off face masque I had put on that morning, and proceeded to help me peel off dead skin cells right there in front of everybody. Thank you Kath! (waves again) We never see K-LO, Ruben, or Clay. They were spirited out somehow away from the crowds. Ding dang damn it anyhow. Karen wanted me to take a picture of her rubbing her Broadly butt on Clays' bus. I oblige. Heehee.

WARNING! GROSS STUFF AHEAD! NOTE FROM MINI-ME: "Mother was standing there in a frenzied state of excitement, thinking she was going to meet Clay Aiken, when I noticed that she had a dried booger on her nose. I told her to get it off. She freaked out and started batting at her nose like a wildwoman. She was irritating me, so I didn't tell her that it was still there. Bwaaaaahaha."

Sun late aft: T:3 hrs & counting. We go back to the room to prepare. I put on my wonderbra & thong. Dayum, I feel like a hot momma. My cleavage hasn't been this high since 1982. We dress in our Clay shirts & head out to the Hard Rock. Mini-Me resists dressing like this. I cajole, beg, and threaten. She does it, but mutters under her breath the entire way 'you sooooooo owe me mother'. People are staring at us and pointing. I do not care. I am proud of my $4 Wal-Mart T, cause it's all about Claybee. The Hard Rock is great fun. The waiter gets into it and takes one of Gails' glorious Clay pins. (we did leave the lil sweetie a BIG tip) They play MnM's DVD. Giddy. I meet Steph-she is adorable. Really really cute young lady. (waves to Steph!)

Sun eve: T: 1 hr & counting. Final prep. We grab our signs & assorted paraphenilia. Karens' sign rocks. I'll let her tell ya'll about it. I have made OCB a basket of candles with to my mind, adorable Clay labels like Honeydude, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Claylove Spell, etc. I feel dorky carrying a basket to the concert. I make Mini-Me carry it. Death looks. (she is muttering again) Savvis Center told me digital cameras not allowed. I stuff my digital in my newfound perky cleavage. It is 104 degrees. We walk to the concert, Kath, Karen, Mini-Me & myself, and I am worried about the sweat building up on the camera. I keep going. We get in. I am carrying a large, 30 lb suitcase purse with a decoy camera in it. They do not search anyone. I could have carried in a bomb and they wouldn't have known it. They confiscate my candle basket and make me put it on a gift table at the entrance. I sooooo wanted to give it to Jerome. Dang it. We find our seats. Karen & I are in the front row. Annie & Mini-Me are in the 2nd row right behind us. I think I might possibly pass out from excitement. Karen holds her rockin' sign in front of me and I pull the camera out of my cleavage right there in front of God & everybody. It is a little moist, but functioning.

Sun eve: Blast Off! The concert. My view was obstructed by a large speaker & a video guy standing on the corner of the stage. There is a security guy in front of me, and people begging for backstage passes. I want to tell them this is not Jerome, and it ain't gonna work, but I don't. Concert begins. I try to focus, the room is spinning. I drink my $4.50 coke and hydrate myself.

Charles is great, love him. Alot of energy. He probably doesn't have a performing career coming, but I'm glad he's enjoying the moment. Julia WAS beautiful, much improved. Loved Ricky, and I hadn't cared for him on the show. Now that I like Kimberly C., I enjoyed her performance. She is born for the stage. Carmen was blah. (sorry Annie!) Trenyce rocked out on Proud Mary. She was good, and should have a career after the show. K-LO was awesome. Then, Clay. Oh my. I was within 5 ft of him. He stood on the corner above me, and I tried to focus on the moment. I wanted to burn it in my memory forevermore. I could not take pictures or get out my Waldo binoculars because I was so transfixed on watching him. It was glorious. Karen & I grabbed each other & did a full body squeal. Yes, I actually squealed, with a crouch and a full body squish intermixed with it. (waves to Karen!)

This is the point though that I have to bring up the things that interfered with my enjoyment of watching His Gloriousness. There was a woman 1 seat over, who I shall refer to as Irritating Big Woman. Every single time Clay came to our corner she held up her huge sign and completely blocked my view of him. Every. single. time. I was beginning to wish I had brought a bomb in my purse. At least a little one. I would have implanted it in her big butt and blew her out of that stadium. When she wasn't holding up her sign, she was wimpering to the security guard that she wanted her poster signed by Clay. Shut the f*ck up! He said NO! Sorry, where was I? Clay was gorgeous in the black suit and dark purple tie, but ya'll know that. Intermission comes. I take 2, count 'em, 2 narcotic pain pills as I am standing the entire time & RL is creeping in to my other worldly experience. Things get a little fuzzy & I am having a hard time concentrating. Loved the 2nd half, the panties & other items were flying during The Girl is Mine. I will let Karen tell about her items. Someone (MnM?) threw a pink bra onstage. It was picked up later by the head Security Guard in front of me. It had a long message written on the inside, and the guard studied that message like it was written by the unibomber. After he read it, he stared out in the crowd like he was trying to figure out who threw it. It must have been a hell of a message.

At one point, Ruben stands on our corner of the stage, and we make eye contact. I can tell he is reading my shirt - the LBFCA logo that Broad Julie designed. He knows Lecherous Broads are in da house. Those with squeamish tummies may want to skip over the next part.

WARNING! GROSS STUFF AHEAD! When Ruben was standing on that corner, I think I with my unique view may have been the only person in the stadium subjected to the view of his stomach under his shirt. I was looking up at him, and the shirt was bloused out over the tummy, and I was forced to look at the undulating folds of Ruben tummy flowing out over his belt. I started to feel dizzy again and had to sit down.

NOTE FROM MINI-ME: "That was about the same time that the rather large woman seated next to me chose to pass gas. Yes, that's right, she passed gas right there in front of God & Country. The stench overtook me and erased any memory of Rubens' new song from my brain. I had to endure wearing the stupid shirt my Mother made me wear, I had to carry the dorky basket my Mother made into the concert hall, and then I had to sit squished in my seat next to a large, gassy, Clay fan. My Mother so owes me."

The whole 2nd half of the concert is fuzzy to me, partly because of the influence of my narcotic pain killers, partly because of my Clay induced state of euphoria, partly because of my unadulterated hatred of Irritating Big Woman, and partly because of that godforsaken dancer named Brandy. What is up with that shit? Girl hate. I can't explain why I hated her, I just did. That is all.

Invisible. I had trouble seeing him. (see above) I remember watching him grind away 5 feet above me, but I believe I floated out of my body at that point, leaving my brain behind me. I focused my eyes on Waldo for all I was worth. Camera? No way, I wasn't in my body and couldn't pick up worldly items. I believe Waldo was locked up Sunday night. Tight. Clayton honey, did you miss my 'commando' request? I know you're busy and all, but I so wanted to witness the wonder that is Walso in person. ~sigh~

Overall concert comments. I thought the crowd lacked energy. I thought the performers for the most part were just going through the motions. Even Claybee. He phoned it home. I know others' recaps say differently, and mine is influenced by drugs and Irritating Big Women, but that was my impression. Clayton knows what he's got. He is not innocent. He is having the time of his life. I would love to be at the final concert, cause I bet it'll be the Mother of all Concerts. This has been the Mother of all BEVRS, thank you all for bearing with me to the end. Thank you St Louis Broads, each and everyone of you. It was a fabulous experience overall.

Overall Clay phenomenan comment. On the way out of Union Station Monday morning, Mini-Me & I encountered an elderly type woman pushing a walker. It had a sign tacked on it. It said Clay Train. Draped over the walker was a leopard print thong. With red string ties. On the friggin' walker. That. is. all.

Beth


-Note from Nelle: You, too, can participate in the LBFCA Summer Series, and have your Broad's Eye View Report, or, for any other Brude's out there, your Summary of Clay, about Clay's Summer Concert Tour on the LBFCA Main Page. Just send it to Nelle via email, and she'll post it ASAP. (If you are a lurker, or otherwise wish to remain anonymous, just let me know that in your email). Don't worry about your BEVR not being the same size or looking the same as anyone elses. Here at LBFCA we celebrate diversity. Every BEVR is unique. This is your personal experience of witnessing what Katynka so gloriously described as "a little hockey-jersey-clutchin,' white-leather-wearin,' DTTR revealin,' mic-flickin,' thigh-strokin,' eye-f***ing, smokin,' jokin,' singin,' hunk-o-burnin' libido."

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