2003-11-18
7:16 a.m.

MORE MEDICAL LINKS BETWEEN AIKEN AND HIS BROADS � THE EARS

MORE MEDICAL LINKS BETWEEN AIKEN AND HIS BROADS � THE EARS

RTP, North Carolina- Today leading Broad/Aiken researchers Dr. Meredith Vieira and Dr. Diane Sawyer released their latest findings at a press conference during the AI International Health Organization Forum. Having formerly studied the ocular and nasal respiratory connection between Aiken and the Broads, today the duo focused on the auditory system.

�Our research of Clay Aiken�s auditory function actually began out of our concern for his health,� claims head of research Meredith Vieira.

After his recent concert tour, during which he was forced to listen repeatedly to the piteous performances of Carmen and Kimberme, researchers noticed some peculiar facial ticks while he was singing. Sometimes these twitches can be a symptom of facial nerve deficits due to middle ear damage. However, Aiken�s ticks seemed to be temporary and have lessened in the past few weeks.

�We were somewhat concerned the twitches may have moved to other parts of Aiken�s body, but then we realized he was just dancing,� mused researcher Diane Sawyer. �It�s very �Elaine�.�

During the tour there was also fear for the Broads auditory health. The custodial crews at various arenas seemed to be working overtime to clean up after the Broads.

�One sign of facial nerve dysfunction is excessive drooling and, well, you�ve seen the venues after the Broads leave�it looks like the recreation of Noah�s flood,� quipped Dr. Vieira. �Fortunately we realized it was just Clay�s affect on the Broads and not nerve damage due to other stimuli i.e., Goat Girl.�

These developments led researchers to further investigate the ears of Aiken and the Broads. Located deep, deep in the inner ear is a coiled tube, much like a snake, that is responsible for true hearing. This tube is divided into three sections by two membranes, the basilar and Ressiner�s (renamed Clay�s membrane for all Broads). These membranes form a triangular shaped area.

�We all know how fond the Broads are of triangles, so we knew this had to be another link to Clay,� stated Sawyer.

Inside the Aiken triangle lies the Organ of Clay, previously called the Organ of Corti. The Organ of Clay contains thousands of hair cell receptors that respond to sound waves and carry messages along the cranial nerves to the brainstem. This is the origin of hearing.

�Before we didn�t know what threw these women into fits of ecstasy at the sound of Clay�s voice, but we now realize its all in the sound waves,� reasoned Vieira. �Just like dogs are in tune to the higher frequencies of ambulance sirens, the broads are perfectly in tune with Mr. Aiken.�

And Aiken appears to be perfectly in tune with his Broads. The Broad's sighs of pleasure seem to strike a chord with Aiken�s �bones;� his auditory bones. The auditory bones transfer vibrations of the eardrum to the oval window, a membrane separating the middle and inner ear.

�Anyone who has seen his face after he sings to his Broads knows what those women do to his �bones�,� cooed Vieira and Sawyer. �It�s a look of overpowering joy.�

�It�s orgasmic,� squealed Sawyer. �Did you see him after he sang for me�and he gave me a rose! That man is just a pot full of bubblin� lust!�

�Well, I got to smell him and I almost got to jump his bones and I don�t mean the ones in his ears�damn hot dog suit,� taunted Vieira. �PTHHHHHH!�

At this point the press conference was terminated. There are hints of more research to come from this promising pair of researchers, but there are rumors that one or both may be Broads themselves, which may taint their findings in the eyes of some medical experts. Most of the medical community eagerly awaits further findings.