2004-01-06
6:36 p.m.

2003 Year-End Economy Surges

BREAKING NEWS��SPECIAL REPORT:

2003 YEAR-END ECONOMY SURGES

Despite somewhat disappointing Holiday sales at retail, there are several industries reporting a much greater than expected year end showing as Lecherous Broads, and other members of the United ClayNations, took to the air, the rails and the roads to see Superstar singer Clay Aiken perform in various Kissmass Koncerts, Jingle Balls and Frosty Bashes across the United States.

Industries showing a significant increase in end of fourth quarter sales include several airlines, hotel chains, intimate apparel manufacturers, and Kimberly-Clark, the makers of Depends. The sales spike in this last sector is somewhat baffling to our economic analysts. They are certain, however, that somehow �it is all that Clay Aiken�s fault�.

In appreciation for the recent stimulation Mr. Aiken provided their industry, the Airline and Aviation Association presented Clay with the rare honor of being named their 2003 YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH OUR WINGS MAN OF THE YEAR.

At the event in Mr. Aiken�s honor, Flight Attendant Buffy Baxter (far left above) told our staff reporter �Oh, he is just as sweet as can be. A true gentleman and so purrdy to look at too! He can fly me anytime!� Pilot Chester Chadwick (far right above) advised that Clay �was right nice about signing some cocktail napkins for us; so we gave him some junior wings which he seemed real pleased with�. �He just wanted us to promise that he wouldn�t be seeing those napkins, or ANY paper goods he had touched, on e-bay anytime soon� added Customer Relations Agent Lulu Mortensen (second from left). Attendant Ethel Wragg (second from right) was impressed that the Superstar limited his carryon to bottled water and �an unusually large pair of boots. Or maybe he just uses those big boots to transport his toiletries, paperback, MP3 player, change of underwear, several t-shirts�..No, really, those boots are BIG!�

Several Hotel chains were delighted with the surprising increase in room bookings in cities across the country which provided concert venues but are not usually seen as winter vacation destinations. The reservation agents claim that as soon as the concerts were announced the phones starting ringing incessantly with requests from women to be under or on top of Clay Aiken in their hotels.

Sara Lee Industries, whose apparel brands include Wonderbra, Lovable and Hanes Her Way, are delighted to advise stockholders of unprecedented growth in their panty businesses. �We thought our cheesecake was the money maker,� says a spokesperson for the corporation. �But this bit o� Cheesecake named Aiken has shot our thong sales up way beyond expectations!�

Intimate apparel retailer Victoria�s Secret Stores is looking to continue the sales growth they have seen at the end of 2003. In anticipation of the Clay Aiken 2004 Solo Tour, VSS have announced the introduction of a new panty line called Angels in Flight. The garments, available in red or purple, will be packaged with launchers and built-in pockets to hold lovenotes and BAF donations.

In addition, some late-breaking news is coming in from computer retailers. Apparently there has been a frenzied Christmas demand for RAM cards, high-speed processors, wireless laptops, CD and DVD burners. A marketing VP at one of the major computer manufacturers has indicated that they are gearing up their production lines to make sure they have enough stock on the shelves for, of all things, Valentine�s Day. �What I�m hearing is that the wives and girlfriends are demanding new computers or upgrades instead of roses or chocolates. Something to do with allergies and Clack, whatever the h*ll that is!�

The White House is increasingly aware of and grateful for the economic recovery being attributed to Mr. Aiken�s popularity. In fact, S***n C***ll was recently overheard telling President Bush �You could win the competition (in 2004) with that! I don�t mean to be rude, but you were in trouble before.�

We asked NELLE, Keeper of the Keys at LBFCA, a group of avid fans and supporters known to be held in high regard by Clay Aiken, to give us her take on the effect Mr. Aiken will have on the economic forecast for 2004. �As long as Clay keeps singing, we�ll keep coming. CLAY AIKEN IS OUR IDOL ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!�

DISCLAIMER: This article is a parody and does not reflect or represent any actual statements or opinions on the part of Sara Lee Industries, Victoria�s Secrets, Kimberly-Clark or the airline staff appearing in the photo above. All events, names and characters are fictional. With many thanks and apologies to all for indulging this bit of fun.

Thanks to SPEDaiken form the CLAYBOARD whose Mile High Club photo I borrowed.

Created and written by Lila

Posted by Erin, thanks to ClaysTramp from whom I borrowed the Boots picture.