Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!

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2004-01-08
10:47 p.m.

PUT IT ON!! PUT IT ON!!

-- An Open Letter to Clayton

Ok Sweetness, this is Cella here, telling you that I give up. You win. You're not going to show any skin...intentionally.

I will not expect you to show more skin than you're comfortable with.

You will never hear me yell, "Take it off! Take it off!"

I've already grieved at the loss of your tank-style Athletic-Cut T-shirts...the first sign of more (clothes) to come.

Ah, those fleeting days of the open collar and that cute cowry shell necklace around your long, golden, kissable neck.

Now you wear more clothes than a nun.

I've grieved for the hairsies I'll never see again -� those manly ginger curls, gone by razor or by collar. At least I have this to remember them by:

God, you're so beautiful.

(Excuse me a moment. I need a tissue.)

It's become obvious to the Broads that you have put on more clothing as you've become increasingly aware that the eyes of women are upon you, giving you such close inspection week after week. It's understandable, really, such scrutiny increasing your modesty. It's actually quite endearing.

But dearest Clayton, your actions may have backfired. It's also become obvious that you've single-handedly brought back naughty Victorian-era thoughts -� Broads are all searching for the proverbial "Naked Ankle."

Sometimes I don't know whether to kiss you or smack you for it, but I'll do both if you want me to!

You may have a point, though. It's not the amount of clothes sometimes, it's the style. In this picture, Kid Rock makes a point about both.

I took Mr. Cella to get a haircut the other day, and one of the barbers was sitting around and grabbed a copy of, shall we say, one of those newfangled men's magazines. With absolutely no provocation, he said to us that "there's a trend in men's magazines to put more clothes on the models because..." He paused, and I said, "...because it lends more to the imagination?" He pointed right at me and said yes. Gee, I wonder how I came up with that answer so fast. Your example seems to be having some effect on the population as a whole � not quite what you expected, I'm sure, but I guess it's a start.

So for me, from this day forward, I will embrace more clothes. I vow to you, not only will I embrace them, I will beg for them. I will count the layers and get more excited with each one I find. I will even fantasize about unseen layers that I KNOW are there.

(Three layers here, and one was long-sleeved -� not bad, considering it was August in L.A.)

Enormous turtleneck sweaters puffed up to your chin will now be my ultimate turnon. The more you cover...the more I'll want you.

So I say now...put on that scarf and hat. Put on that huge World Series Jacket. Heck, wrap yourself in a fluffy blanket so only those gorgeous green eyes show. The more, the better.

Oh yeah baby, that's it.

I respect your convictions.

--text and pictures by Cella, with help from Julie

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The 2004 Claybies Committee