Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-10-19
1:00 a.m.

The Back-Up Singers

Charlotte, North Carolina


Saturday, October 16th


WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!!


WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!!


Clay: Did somebody lock them in the bathroom again? Jerome? Nick? You guys seen Angela and Quiana? Nobody�s seen them?
What about Jacob? Isn�t he wandering around outside somewhere?

Nick: I haven�t seen hide nor hair of them all day.

Jerome: Hey, this fell down off your dressing room wall. Do you want me to put it back up or should we just take it back to the bus? Oh, oh��.what have we here?

Clay: Let me see!

Nick: It�s a note��.it�s from Angela, Quiana and Jacob. Looks like they�re gone.


Gone?

Dear Clay:

We really hate to break it to you like this�..but we were afraid that if you found out our plans before we got at least as far as the state line, you would offer Angela a nice big bonus to stay and our threesome would be *pffft*��. up in smoke. She has a really hard time saying �no� when you dangle those nice big bonuses in front of her��.that girl has no will power at all! We�ve been telling her there will be plenty of big bucks where we�re going, but we think Angela is more of a �bird in the hand is worth two in the bush� kind of gal. To her credit, she took some convincing.

Last month the three of us received a very tempting offer to tour on our own, without you. We firmly believe that this opportunity came about as a result of your wonderful generosity when you allowed us to showcase our talent during your show. A very important record company executive happened to catch us one night and apparently liked us enough to offer us a contract. We are currently planning an early spring CD release and are booked into some great venues in big beautiful safe cities���Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Calgary, Saskatoon, Winnipeg, and Halifax. You might have heard of these places��.but then again�.maybe not. Quiana was all hung up about working across the border but you put those fears to rest and she�s joining the group.

You have hereby been promoted to dance captain. On the hook, behind your door, is a hat that says so. Remember �Bust a Move� is a better thing to do than bust a hole in the wall when you read this. We wish you all the best with your upcoming appearances. We hope you won�t have any trouble replacing us��.but you might consider hiring back-ups who are a little less talented and charismatic next time��.we�re just saying. Take care��.maybe we�ll run into you in the road someday��.well, we don�t mean that literally, of course.

Please ask your fans not to send us tons and tons of emails begging us to come back!

Say goodbye to Raleigh for us���...

Your three friends truly,

Angela, Quiana, and Jacob

P.S. Quiana wants to add��that a poncho does not qualify as a fringe benefit.

Nick: Does this mean what I think it means?

Clay: It means somebody�s head grew big enough to fit her hair.

Jerome: So whatcha goin� to do? You have to go on in five minutes and you don�t have any back-up singers.

Clay: Oh, who needs �em? I can carry this show by myself. I carried a whole TV show by myself a couple of years ago��.this ain�t nothing.

Jerome: Hmmm��.I might have an idea���look out that window.



Clay: Who are they?

Jerome: They might be back-up singers.



Clay: Back-up in the sense of �Jerome, back up and let�s start over, I hope.

Jerome: No, man, we have lots of talent here tonight. From all over the country�..they came to audition. Some of them have come to audition multiple times�..they heard you like multiples so they just kept coming. And this is their last chance to make it to that stage.

Clay: Jerome, are you suggesting that I take auditions for my new back-up singers from these guys?

Jerome: Well, it�s not just these women�..there�s more�..way more��.pretty, talented ladies��outside and they�re trying real hard��some would do almost anything to get up on that stage!

Clay: Well they�re wasting their time then��Jacob�s flown the coop.

Jerome: Yeah well you don�t have any more time to waste��the lights are on in your mother ship but there�s nobody home.




********************


Hellllloooooo Charlotte!!! How ya� doin� tonight? Do you Charlotteans notice anything different up here since the last time I came through? Anything seem a little out of whack to you? Well, if you said this is the night there were no back-up singers you�d be right.

Yup, you guys with the cell phones��..make sure you get this right. NO BACK UP SINGERS TONIGHT!! Oh yeah, and don�t forget��.�OMG!!......OMG!! His hair looks perfect tonight.�

So they left me a note��wrote it on the back of my favorite sign. I will spare you nice folks the details, but the bottom line is they ain�t here, unless of course this is a big practical joke��.and the end result will still be the same if it is��they�ll still be gone.



Now this is all very unfortunate for me, but it turns out to be very fortunate for some of you. See��Jerome thinks he has come up with a solution. All of you people who have come to Charlotte to audition for Jerome, well tonight you�re gonna get to audition for me and everybody here in this audience is going to have a chance to let me know who they think I should pick. Now I haven�t seen or heard any of these performers before tonight. Jerome assures me there is an abundance of talent here waiting to be tapped. Let�s hope he�s right or we�ll be finding out whether Jerome is an alto or a soprano.

What did he just say in my earpiece? Tony Soprano? Jerome, I need back-up singers, not comedians.

Oh, okay��Jerome is telling me that they�re going to show us the first few auditions on the jumbotron. So�..ladies and gentlemen, turn your attention to the screens up there and let�s see who Jerome has found tonight.



Whoa!! Nick, pass me mah shades! Look people���radioactive Mounties���even more reason never to cross the 49th parallel!



Oh my, this crew has been following us ever since Grand Forks. Gotta admire their determination but they look a might freezer burnt to me.



Let me guess��.Atlantic City.



Umm�.no domesticated animals in my show, Jerome.


No wild things either!!!


Mighty tempting, though��that last bunch��hmmm�.was there anyone else, Jerome? Anyone at all? Can we bring the rest out on stage for a better look?


Can we send them back? NO Broadway, NO opera, NO drag queens, and least of all NO nuns!!!!! You are going to get me in so much trouble!!

Okay, let�s do it this way. Who has traveled the farthest to be here? Anyone from farther away than Tel Aviv, Israel? That�s where our guitar player Danny is from and usually he has everyone beat.

Okay we have these three exquisite creatures��.very niiice�..they say they�re Katynkans and were attracted by the lights of my mother ship����


Jerome, can you find me that longer jacket? These Katynkans won�t stop starin� at mah a**.


Maybe if I stand over here��..this could work.



Oh��.you�d rather me over here? Yeah, this works��..


Does it work for all you guys? Do they get the honor of the Clay Aiken thong?

You just gotta love back-up singers who just naturally want to stand in the back.

Note to Self: *Find that corduroy coat before Raleigh.*


********************

WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!!


WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!! WE WANT CLAY!!!,


Raleigh, North Carolina


Monday, October 18th


Minutes before showtime��.

Jerome, tell them I didn�t really mean it about the coat. I won�t wear it, honest!


And hey��.get those thongs back!!!! The only person I know who�d work for these is my grandmother���.


���.and she�s booked this week!


Written by Karen Eh?

Responsibility for Hilarious Photoshops to Lila (yes, that Lila)

Photos from the lenses of the Claynation Photographers; including Buzztechie, Invisibleson, Hot4ClayinTX, and Crimsicle.

Posted by Erin

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