2007-02-17
2:16 p.m.

Clayvor of Love

Confidentiality agreements be danged! We can't keep this in any longer!

A certain velvety-voiced singer is going to try his hand at another, very different kind of reality show. Take a few guesses...

Survivor? Guess again!

The Amazing Race? Keep trying!

Supernanny? Not quite!

The Bachelor? No, but you're close!

Give up?

Keep your eyes and your TiVo memory open for...

CLAYVOR of LOVE!

Starring none other than...

CLAYVA CLAYV!

Watch as Clayv tries to find true love among a group of fine ladies.

Clocks are out! Purple ties are IN!

Now, some of the Broads were able to get a special audition on the...uh...casting couch for this show, and will be featured on the series, so we'd like to give you a little sneak preview of what to expect from this exciting new series. (Just promise us you'll keep it on the hush hush, k?)

On the first episode of Clayvor of Love...

After arriving at Clayva Clayv's mansion and choosing rooms, the contestants gather together for the Naming Ceremony.

Clayv ain't so good at remembering names, so after spending a few minutes with each broad to get to know her a bit better, Clayv assigns special "nicknames." Big Jerome helps Clayv hand out the nametags and purple ties for the first time...

First up... LISA!

"Yeah, BOYEEEEEEEE! I like that runnin' suit, yo! You look like you an athletic type. I'm gonna call you TRAXX!"

Next in line�MELISSA!

"Aw, yeah, I know you! You been to a lot of my shows! Ain't you the one I always see sobbin' and holdin' a tissue? You're a sensitive one, I can tell. Yeah, yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. I know just what I wanna call you - TEARZ!"

(Melissa bursts into tears. Her name tag won't stick because her shirt is all wet from cryin'.)

Here comes KELLY!

"Hey girl! You look real familiar! Aw, yeah, I know who you are! You're the one who almost pulled my thumb off my hand! And ain't those the shoes I wore when I sang Grease on Bee Gees night? I thought so! I know what I'm gonna call you! DIESEL!"

DANIELLE skips up to Clayv.

"I met you before, too, ain't that right? Yeah! In Raleigh, at that hockey game! It was kinda hard to understand what you said 'cuz you were talkin' so fast, but I remember you said somethin' about my shoes! Well then, that's what I'm gonna call you! SHOOZ!"

ERIN shimmies her way to the front of the line.

"Hey beautiful! Dang, you got some gorgeous eyes! You one VERY pretty lady! Clayv likes his ladies pretty�"

(Erin begins to shriek loudly. Clayv does a doubletake, and shakes his head to clear his ears.)

"Dang, girl! You got some pipes! For real! I'm gonna call you MANZEE. Dont ask."

*cut to confessional*

"Big Jerome, do I got sumpin' stuck in my grillz?"

Next, DrNC prowls up to Clayv and begins sniffing his ears. She growls softly at him and then begins... barking!

"Aw, yeah - you're feisty! I'm gonna have to watch out for you, ain't I? I'd say I hope you don't bite, but I'd be lyin'! You're gonna be my ANIMAL!"

KATYNKA quietly sidles up to Clayv and reaches her arm around his backside.

"Ooooooooh, another one, huh? You're a little quieter and real smooth. But I know what's hidin' behind that shy exterior. I know what you're into. Yeah, boyeeeeeeee! I'm gonna call you SPANX!"

ODIN sneaks up and rubs against Clayv's leg.

"Ya brought your cat, did ya? Well, I ain't allergic, so it's all good! Wait til Grizzzzy catches sight of you. This guy could turn out to be my competition. I can already tell he's gonna find his way onto all y'alls beds! I guess we gonna have to call him PLAYA!"

Then comes WENDY, dressed to the hilt.

"Wooooooooooooooooooow! You one good lookin' lady! I like a girl who knows how to put herself together! I got your name right here. You gonna be FANCEE!"

KILLER DEE gets her turn.

"Hey baby. I know you. What's your name again? Well, I can't come up with nothin' better than that! KILLER DEE it is!"

Up walks ROBIN. Clayv can't take his eyes off her�most prominent features below the neck.

"Mmmmmmmmmm, yeah. You so fine! Can I get a hug? Ooooo, baby, you feel good! Step back so I can get another look at ya. Ain't no other way to call it. You gotta be BUMPZ!"

JAN steps up. "Look at you, wearin' only a towel! Whatchoo tryin' to do to ya man Clayv? All moist 'n tan. You one of them girls David Lee Roth was singin' about in that song. I'm gonna call you SAN FRAN!"

JULIE cuddles right up to Clayv, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"Dang, girl, you know how to make a first impression on a man! All snuggly like dat! Ain't gonna take me long to know what to call you! SNUGGLZ it is!"

NELLE gets her moment to make an impression.

"Clayv, I just want to say that this whole nickname thing is silly. Why can't we just have NORMAL-SOUNDING names? I mean, it's a tradition to�"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout! I like you! You're not afraid to speak your mind! I like a broad with spunk!"

NELLE gets all swoony and starts to giggle like a little schoolgirl. She hand Clayv a present, wrapped in purple polka-dotted paper.

"Aw, you brought me a gift! That was so sweet. Whoa! Another purple tie! Every time I wear this tie, I'm gonna think of you. You know what? I'm really feelin' you, baby. I get the sense you're here for Clayv, not for TV. You're real. Yeah, baby. I got a special name for you. I'm gonna call you CLAYSSENTRICK.

The rest of the girls � SMARTEE PANTZ, PERMZ, LOOD, NUBBIN, ROLLYGURRL, KLAMPZ, RIMZ, HYJINX, NEKKID, PRYDYCTYBYBBLE, 'LECTRIC � get their nicknames and the competition is ON!

Lots of ladies, but only ONE Clayva Clayv. Each week, every girl will receive a purple tie from Clayv, but one will be sent packing.

Here are some highlights to look forward to on this season's Clayvor of Love...

Who will win the first one-on-one date with Clayv? The two spend a romantic afternoon in South Central at the Slausen Open Air Market, where they get matching airbrushed t-shirts (shout out to my boy KREATIVV!) and henna tattoos.

Who will rip out Permz' weave, leaving her bald and in tears?

Which lady will be asked to leave after forgetting to take Raleigh and Durham out for their daily walk?

And finally, which lady will be worthy of Clayv's special gift � custom made grillz to match his own? Which lady will win his heart?

There's only one way to find out! Watch CLAYVOR OF LOVE!

***

"No...Claycentric...names...no...grillz...no...veneers...no...veneers...no...veneers...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Nelle bolts upright in bed, startled and sweating. She takes a moment to get her bearings and rubs her eyes, which slowly adjust to the flickering light of the television. The credits from The Jimmy Kimmel Show are scrolling down her screen.

"Oh, thank GOD. It was all a dream. A terrible, terrible dream. I should have known. There's no WAY Clay would ever allow a CAT in his house, and he'd never do anything like that to his teeth!"

***

--by Shooz and Spanx, with help from Traxx, Diesel, Manzee, Animal, Tearz, Fancee, Bumpz, and Playa.