2004-05-31
9:10 a.m.

Dear Clabby: Letter #1

Advice to the Claylorn

Clabbigurl Van Murine
Sindicated Columnist

Today's Letter hand delivered by Lila.

Dear Clabby,

Dig if you will the picture, my friends just can't be found. It's true! They've left me standing, alone in a world that's so, I guess you could say, cold.

They are saying that I listen to Clay Aiken so much that, between CD sets, and videos, radio and TV shows, all I ever do now is speak in lyrics. They want me to limit my Clack exposure. They want me stop talking Clay! Well, except for the Disco Pants. That they don't mind so much. They say that until I see that there is more to this life than Clay Aiken, they need to stay away.

Clabby, we've been together since way back when. Aren't friends supposed to go the distance? Because I love Clay Aiken are they not supposed to love me anymore? Why do they insist on me holding back what I'm trying to say?

Can you picture this? Miles and miles of empty space between us. The telephone can't take the place of their smiles. Because, you know, everything comes down to this, it's all about love. Love, love, love, love!! They say they love me, and they are doing this for my own good. But when they say they love me, do they mean it? How can they mean it when they treat me as if I were Invisible, like a shadow passing through? Don't they know I can't help myself? I mean, I'm going down the road that I must travel. I love Clay Aiken. And for this they wrote me off like I was doomed?

Oh, Clabby, I know everybody cries, everybody bleeds. No one ever said life is an easy thing. But� I am hoping that you will ease my mind, maybe even touch me with the colors of your life a little bit and show me the way when I can't find the right words to say. Don't let the sun go down on me before I hear from you. I am tired of playing Solitaire.

Thank you,

Clayzy and Friendless in Fort Lee

Dear Clayzy and Friendless,

Clabby can certainly sympathize��.she hates playing Solitaire without a full deck, too. Arh Arh!! How's that for a little ice breaker? Sense of humor still intact? Well, that's a start.

I can see that you've chosen your words very carefully and obviously a lot of thought goes into your every expression. Your friends should value that quality about you and it's too bad you are estranged due to a few misunderstandings��well okay, a major communication problem. Lyric interpretation is such a subjective thing. What sounds like a creepy stalker song to one person, might be a lament over the frustration of unrequited love to another. N'est pas?

Clayzy, did you not realize that continuous looping would render you loopy? You speak in the dialect of the Aiken. ::Clabby sighs at the thought of the Aiken��*sighs* again, then continues :: How fluent are your friends in this language? If they are unfamiliar with it, they're not going to have a clue what you're trying to say, are they? :: Since these are your pals, Clabby will bite her tongue and not refer to them as clueless.:: It sounds to me like they have tried to help and no doubt mean it when they say they love you�..but everyone, even the most patient of us, get frustrated at some point and throw in the towel. :: Clabby thinks of the Aiken in a towel�� *sighs*::

So, Clayzy, how do we solve this little problem? First, you need to realize that by conversing in only the lyrics to Clay's songs you're pretty much conducting a one sided conversation. You might as well talk to yourself or the wall. :: Clabby remembers the wall and yes, you guessed it�*sighs*.:: If only walls could talk...would they speak the language of love? Would they? Where was I? Oh yeah, your little problem. Why don't you try this? Introduce more lyrics from the old standards and covers that the Aiken has performed on that show��.its name escapes me right now, but you might remember it. Most of these lyrics should be familiar to almost everybody. Perhaps if you hummed a few bars together it would help pick things up a bit. :: Clabby remembers getting picked up a few times in bars herself.:: If you want a truly harmonious relationship why not ask them who their favorite performers are and expand your vocabulary to include some of those lyrics. You may find there are some commonalities between the many languages of music out there. I'm certain "bebeh", or some derivative of it, is used with regularity in most musical cultures. Don't give up on yourself, or your friends. I know it feels like you're caught in a veritable verbal trap but think of the positives. Bet you aren't swearing as much, are you? We won't count the annoying repetition of the mildly expletive "d*mn", however. :: Clabby thinks of the omission of this word from live performance and *sighs*.:: I hope you find my suggestions useful and your friends decide to give you another chance. You can take heart in the promise of a Christmas album. This timely release of well known songs will help ease you through the holiday season when we typically endure�..I mean enjoy�..the company of our loved ones. No doubt the Aiken will generously fill a lot of stockings this year. :: Clabby pictures the Aiken's sighs��filling her���stockings and ��faints.::

Signed,

Dear Clabby�

Have a problem with any aspect of your relationship (or lack thereof) with Clay? Are your relationships with family and friends suffering in the shadow of your utter devotion to your perfect boyfriend? Do you care? If so, maybe Clabby can help. Send your letters to: [email protected]/Dear Clabby.

The Big Picture: Permaswooned (Clack House)

Insertion of the Big Picture and posted (on behalf of Dear Clabby)by: Wendy in FL.

*Arh Arh*�: Jill