2005-01-19
12:03 a.m.

AI 4: Search for the Next Clay Aiken

Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest, and welcome back to "American Idol: Search for a Superstar." Heh. As if. You and I both know there really isn't much point to doing this show anymore since we'll never find another Clay Aiken, but Fox doesn't have anything else good to broadcast, so we're stuck going through this charade again.

Our first auditions are in Washington, DC. Do you remember when Clay sang here this summer? Wasn't he terrific? Made me proud to be an American.

You'd probably rather watch him sing tonight. But unfortunately we have to show you all these other people who aren't Clay Aiken. Let's get it over with. Here's our first contestant.

Judges?

Randy: Dawg, you sang all right, but something's missing.

Simon: It's the hair. He doesn't have any hair. Clay Aiken has fantastic hair. Remember how his hair looked when he came back to sing Solitaire on AI3?

Paula: Oh, yes. That hair was great! But I still like his Billboard hair better.

Simon: Are you on drugs, Paula? The mini-mullet was so much better than the Billboard hair. And don't even start arguing for the AMA hair just so you can rub it in again about how you were there that night.

Director: Pssst, guys! There are people who want to audition. You can talk about Clay Aiken's hair after the show. Like you do every night. Seriously, don't you ever get tired of talking about Clay's hair?

Simon: No, you idiot. You can never have enough Clay Aiken. All right, bring out the next loser.

Contestant: Hi. I'm very classy.

Simon: Pffft! Classy? You want to see classy? Go to one of the Joyful Noise Tour concerts. Now THAT was classy.

Randy: That's right, dude. CLASS. He didn't scratch himself, or spit, or nothing. Class act all the way.

Director: Next!

Simon: Oh, that is simply pathetic. You think because you're wearing a shell necklace we're going to think you're Clay Aiken?

Like you could be Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken has more talent in his little finger than all of you put together. Next!

Randy: Yo! What's up with the hat? I know you want to be like Clay Aiken, but not everyone can pull off that look like Clay Aiken can. There are just some things you really shouldn't even try, man, unless you're Clay Aiken.

Director: Next!

Simon: Let me guess where you got that look.

Do you people really think you can compare to Clay Aiken?

Simon: This is just getting ridiculous. Yes, you have long legs. Yes, you're wearing striped pants. But if you think you're anything like Clay Aiken, you're delusional.

Paula: I'm sorry, you're very sweet, but you can never hope to be Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken just...*sigh*...is.

Director: Next!

(The judges cover their faces to hide their laughter)

Simon: So, you think your ahhss is as nice as Clay Aiken's ahhss? Really? Well, I've been judging ahhsses for years, and I say, no. Randy, yes or no--as good as the golden apple that is Clay's ahhss?

Randy: (can't control laughter)

Simon: Paula?

Paula: Nothing is as beautiful as Clay Aiken's ah..., er, spirit. He has a beautiful spirit. In fact, sometimes it's hard to keep from reaching out and grabbing his spirit.

Next!

Randy: You're dancing's okay, dude. But have you seen Clay Aiken dance?

Paula: I want Clay Aiken to do his "nasty dancing" all over me.

Simon: I've had enough. This is pitiful. Look at this fellow:

That sorry excuse for a drummer calls THAT crashing a cymbal? He has no idea how a professional like Clay Aiken can crash a cymbol with style and panache.

I can only take one more. Young man, you're not trying to be Clay Aiken, are you? No? Good. What's that pin you're wearing?

Let me look at it closer.

Aha! You're going to Hollywood! No, I don't care if he can sing, Randy. Did you see his pin? The man is a Brude! Do you know how long I've wanted to be a Brude? But I'm just not cool enough to be part of LBFCA. And neither are you. Or Paula. But maybe this guy can get us in with the Broads. And then we can travel with them to see Clay. And talk about him in the Purple Pages. Oh, I'm so excited. You know, I always wanted to meet Odin....

Ryan: That's the end of the first episode of American Idol 4. We apologize that you didn't get to see Clay Aiken. But the funny thing is, everywhere we look, something reminds us of him.

by The Wentynka (AKA Wendy and Katynka)