2004-11-18
10:05 p.m.

An AMA Tale

We all know what happened onstage...but just what happened BEHIND the scenes?

In a dark corner, somewhere backstage at the Shrine Auditorium...

"Clay! Over here," Kathy motioned.

Clay squinted. "Kathy, is that you? Listen, I need to talk to you about this little scenario you faxed me..."

"No time to discuss that, Clay. We need to regroup and retool this bit pronto. Faster, even."

"I couldn't agree with you more. There's just no way I can...hey, wait a minute. Lord, woman, what in the world are you wearing?!?"

Kathy beamed and twirled. "Do you like it? I don't think pure white is over the top, do you?"

"Kathy, you're wearing a WEDDING DRESS! And a rather gaudy one, at that."

"Of course I am, silly boy. If I'm going to propose to you on live tv, OF COURSE I'd be wearing the puffiest, most garish dress I could bribe a designer to create upon agreement of anonimity! I wanted something that would make Vera Wang die AND roll over in her grave."

"You've succeeded. Wait, you're gonna do WHAT?!? Where was THAT in the fax you sent me?" He pulled a crumpled paper from his perfectly-tailored pinstripe suit.

Kathy glanced at the paper. "That's an old draft, honey � it's time to fire your assistant. I gave up on you giving me the 'dip-n-smooch followed by a mutual ass-grab' two drafts ago!" She looked at the paper and sighed. "It's a great bit, but even while I wrote it I knew you wouldn't do anything to ruin your virginal street cred, so I started back from scratch."

He muttered under his breath. "Virginal. Lord, why does everyone assume..."

Kathy's eyes widened. "Assume what, Clay? Assume what! Come on honey, tell Kathy. It'll feel GOOD to get it off your chest."

"You just never mind what I said."

"Well, I gave it a shot. Ok, back to changing the bit. Did you SEE Anna Nicole out on the red carpet?"

"I did. From afar."

"You're a smart boy. Well, did you HEAR her when that TV Guide chick interviewed her?"

"Actually, no. Like I said, I was away from her. I did notice she was up on that little stage while I was getting my picture taken with Jon Bon Jovi."

"You got photographed with Bon Jovi? DAMN, I wanna take a picture with Bon Jovi! He is SO hot. I'd still do him."

"Kathy! What about Anna Nicole?"

"Oh yeah, sorry." Kathy leaned in and lowered her voice. "ANYWAY, the girl is bombed out of her gourd. She couldn't make one coherent sentence. I think she took her valium today with a double-bourbon chaser."

"Lord, that's terrible. And sad."

Her voice raised and she smacked his arm hard. "Don't go soft on me, Aiken! There's no room for compassion in comedy!"

Clay flinched. "Kathy, I will NOT be a party to making fun of that poor woman who OBVIOUSLY needs serious help!"

"No, no, this'll be great! See, I'll come out and act drunk and you'll 'accidentally' call me Anna..."

"NO! No, I won't!"

She sighed. "Damn your scruples, Clay. Damn them all to hell. You're never gonna make it in this business with that attitude."

"Hey, now. There's no need to be so rude. I won't..."

Her hands rose. "Ok, you win! No Anna jokes."

A voice was heard. "Mr. Aiken, we need you back in your seat."

"All right." He turned back to Kathy. "Look. I'll go along with WHATEVER you've cooked up for this bit � Lord help me � but NO ANNA NICOLE. I'd much rather make jokes about myself than that poor woman."

She touched his shoulder. "I understand Clay. You have your principles, and I can respect that."

"Thank you very much, Kathy. I really appreciate it."

"Ok, go on to your seat." She looked at the stagehand. "Make sure he's back here 10 minutes before we're due onstage."

"Yes, Ms. Griffin."

"See ya later, Kathy."

"Bye Clay," she waved.

Once the coast was clear, she pulled a memo pad and pen from her ample cleavage. She mumbled as she furiously scribbled.

"So...you'll go along with WHATEVER I cook up, huh? Well, Mr. Aiken � you just knocked...me...up."

-- By Cella with the overactive imagination, who'd like to remind everyone this is called SATIRE, just in case it needed to be said.

-- Thanks to Chacha for the AMA screencap.

Credits edited at author's request (August 4, 2005)