2004-07-06
1:15 p.m.

The Claymazing Race - A View from a Broad

I can shamelessly admit that I am a total wh*re for reality tv. And through one fateful encounter with that lover of mine, I became a total wh*re for Clay Aiken. And for that I am thankful. But I think reality tv is a little choked by this recent turn of events because I'm not stopping by for as many booty calls as I used to. But you know, if you've got a really attractive roommate, whose fault is it if you introduce your girlfriend to him and then find them in bed together the very next week?

OK. Maybe I'm just a slut. But you know, reality tv started to get a little slutty too, hanging out on the wrong side of the tracks, associating with any Tom, Dick, or Donald willing to toss it a few bucks. If I tuned in, who knew what I was at risk of catching? I mean, what's a safe level of exposure to the melodramatic musings of D-list celebrities or overly photogenic people "making a connection" and possibly a little cash on the side?

So for now I've upped my recommended daily dosage of clack, but I still have occasional yearnings for the warm embrace of an old familiar love. At times, I long to lose myself in the powerful grasp of a compelling reality tv show. Where ordinary people are placed in extraordinary circumstances, which force them to compete in mental and physical challenges, while still encouraging an appropriate level of gamesmanship and gossip against their co-competitors. Where one person or team is eliminated each week within the Darwinian microcosm into which they've willingly placed themselves. Where all the drama, humor, and frailty of humankind can be condensed into one tightly edited hour. [Is anyone else getting turned on? Just me? Okay then.] And so year after year, I find myself running back to the comfortable arms of Survivor and The Amazing Race.

Well, you can imagine what it did to me when I learned that my pimp daddy Clay Aiken had originally planned to compete in The Amazing Race 3 and had actually filled in his application. Honestly, I loved him more than enough already, and though I may stray on occasion, I always come back. [On a side note, Race 3 ended in Seattle, so I'm sure catastrophe was averted when he signed on for AI2 instead.] Or maybe he would have appeared on The Amazing Race 4; those details aren't important. And maybe it is more special to wait. At any rate, what really is important is that Clay and I are both fans of the same show!

Well, I'm a fan anyway, and have watched every single episode of all four seasons. Clay claims to be a fan, but has he honestly even watched one episode in its entirety? When he told Danielle that he would sit there "glued" to his screen, was there some actual glue in his eyes possibly blurring his vision? Or does he suffer from some bizarre form of selective vision? Maybe he saw the big airplanes and trains and the trips around the Great Wall of China. But how did he miss the boats and canoes and the bungee cords dangling over a river in New Zealand?

If you don't watch the show, the premise is actually pretty simple. In a nutshell, teams of two are given maps, clues, and very little cash as they make their way to various world-wide destinations, or "pit stops." Along the way, each team must complete a series of challenges before getting their next clue. In every leg, there is a "detour," which requires a team to choose between a risky, generally quicker challenge and a safer, slower alternative. And each leg ends with a "roadblock" which requires one team member to complete an unknown task. The last team to finish each leg is sent packing. Good stuff.

Now, I would love to see Clay on The Amazing Race. He would be an excellent competitor in so many ways. But does he have what it takes to go all the way? Well, right off the bat, we all know that he can sleep anywhere. This is a very important skill for the serious The Amazing Race competitor.

It's no secret the man can sleep on a bus (to sleep, perchance to dream?). And if he can doze off in a Senator's office.

Clay can likely catch a few zzzzz's in an airport lounge.

Anyone who can find a comfortable position in a cubby hole...

...would probably have no trouble curling up on a sidewalk in front of a museum....his fans have slept on sidewalks for him, after all!

Schmoozing is another important skill for The Amazing Race. I truly think Clay would do a fantastic job charming the locals into giving him information, even if he didn't speak the same language. He could use his expressive hands to get his point across. Or maybe he'd have to break out some high school French or Spanish. Oooooh, the thought of hearing him speak French with his southern accent just redefines Must See T.V.

We all know how well Clay communicates with his hands.

While other contestants have to resort to bribing the locals, Clay could turn on the charm and save his money for doughnuts. And what stranger would turn down Mr. Aiken's polite request to borrow their cellphone? Not me.

I sure hope Clay would be okay for a month without his own cellphone, especially since it's the only item he never seems to lose. [But without a phone and keys competing for space in his pants pockets, a few significant questions might get answered.] And whether it's from a cellphone or across an airport counter, like every contestant, Clay would certainly have to deal with a most unhelpful airline reservationist at some point. Would we have seen a pre-superstah appearance of Pissy!Fit!Clay!?

Of course, many of the show's greatest moments happen when the contestants are alone in their own rental car [don't mind the guy in back with the camera]. Arguing. Gossiping. Getting lost. Sexy stuff when Clay's in charge.

But would DomClay ever let his partner sit in the driver's seat? We can only guess.

It's clear that Clay would bring some invaluable skills into this competition (for it is a com-pe-ti-tion). And even better, he wouldn't have to worry about embarrassing himself with his clothing choices. No iron necessary when all your clothes are shoved into a backpack or overhead compartment.

Does this look familiar?

Oh, yes, Clay could definitely go far in the race if it only required the use of trains, planes, and automobiles. I know a few people who would be happy to pick up this hitchhiker:

He could certainly get his purdy self from pit stop to pit stop with relatively few pit stains. But there are challenges along the way. A few are mental challenges, and boyfriend comes well-armed for those. But what of the myriad physical challenges? Sure, he could probably herd a few sheep,

But, would Clay be as comfortable handling snakes or eels? [hang on, bad examples]

For some reason, I think he would have done just fine, thank you, in the sword fighting challenge. But, Clay may have had some difficulty finding the clue buried in a pile of dirty laundry. [Hmmmm, on second thought....]

Ohhh, how about the Caber Toss? That may be just a little more weight than he's used to.

[Apparently, The Amazing Race really enjoys phallic objects. Or maybe that's just me.]

Hey, maybe we'd finally get to see Clay in a kilt!

We already know Clay looks good on a bike,

But can he actually ride one? They ride a lot of bikes in The Amazing Race. Not to mention camels, elephants and horses. Who wouldn't want to see Our Freckled Stallion take on his kinsman?

OK, it seems he'd be doing fine so far. But you know what else they do in The Amazing Race? Rappel. A lot.

Oh sure, Clay would look great in the gear, and what viewer wouldn't enjoy listening to a few high pitched screams emanating from a man with such beautifully dangling limbs? [Honey, come quick. That lanky guy screams on key and with an amazingly clear tone!]

Ahhhh, yes, I have envisioned Clay in that position many times in my dreams. But will I ever see it on my television? It thrills me to no end that the man wanted to place himself in such a position. But does he really want to place himself in this one?

I mean, considering that this was Clay's reaction to the backyard pool at the AI mansion,

Would he ever really want to get from one pit stop to another so close to the water? Sure, he and Kelly reached out to touch some whales at Sea World.

Notice how Clay carefully positions Kelly between himself and the water? The Amazing Race contestants were required to get in the tank and swim amongst the dolphins. In fact, I would venture that there is some sort of water-based challenge in nearly every leg of The Amazing Race. I mean, they travel all over the world, and most of the earth's surface is hello! - water. It cannot be avoided. And obviously quitting would be out of the question. The man enters to win!

It is a race after all. That means no time for either nerves or false modesty. I'm think many of us would like to imagine Clay making some quick clothing changes with the cameras rolling. I can even hear him giggling. Especially if he forgets to put on his bathing suit.

I know I've had that fantasy. *sigh* So, if you have too, please cross your fingers that Clay is already signed up for a celebrity edition of The Amazing Race. Let's all hope that he's so busy touring this summer that he misses season five and doesn't realize he'd be dealing with a lot more water than you'd find in your typical coffee mug.

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Written by pam, who absolutely adores Clay Aiken, the only man on the planet who could get her chicken self anywhere near a bungee cord or even a rollercoaster.

p.s.
I'm not going to predict Clay would win, but I will stick my neck out and say that on Clay's subsequent visit to the Tonight Show, Jay may get a second opportunity to ask, "What the h*ll were you thinking?"

p.p.s.
Season five of The Amazing Race begins tonight. And I'll be watching. And thinking about Clay [Yes, I know, just like I do with every other show. But this time it's special.].

The Amazing Race pictures courtesy of CBS.com
Clay pictures courtesy of various ClayNation photogs and cappers