Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-10-01
6:49 p.m.

What's Black and White and Red and Camel?

It's after midnight on the west coast, and a sleepless Nelle phones Pam on their top-secret emergency line....

Nelle: Sorry to call you this late, but I am so up.set.

Pam: Why, Nelle? What is it?

Nelle: *sobs* I just can't stop thinking about Clay's latest ob.....session.

Pam: Which one? The hair product randomizer or the prank pulling?

Nelle: Neither. It's the....Burberry!!

Pam: Oooh, ouch. That one does kinda sting.

Nelle: My goodness, the last time I was in London, I bought a Burberry scarf for my grandfather. My grandfather!!

Pam: I swiped some casino cards for my grandfather when I was in Vegas. Heehee. *puts on best concerned, serious voice* But yikes. I know what you mean. My great aunt Millie wears Burberry gloves. And this freaky old British dude in my neighborhood is always walking around with his Burberry umbrella. And a Scottie dog.

Nelle: That's my point. Clay has got to quit raiding his grandfather's closet.

Pam: Well, we all know boyfriend has a thing for plaid. It's not exactly a new obsession.

Nelle: But the Burberry plaid is just, well, it's not that I hate Burberry, I never cared a thing about Burberry before Clay discovered it. But, but, but, he's wearing it daily now. It's, it's....it's just not good. Plus, it's, well, plaid. Oh, I've tried to like it. I squint as hard as I possibly can, but I can't trick myself into believing that the red stripes are actually purple. Besides which, purple and camel clash horribly. *heaving sob*

Pam: Whoa, that's true. But, Clay hasn't worn it every day...why, just the other night he was out on the town with not a spot of plaid to be seen!

Nelle: Yes, *sniff* and he did look wonderful...you know that's a new tie!

Pam: Uhhh, I really didn't notice...(*speaking of obsessions!*)...but I don't know why you're getting all worked up over this latest Burberry craze. Clay will get over it eventually.

Nelle: Eventually? As in Clay will eventually unbutton a second button? Or, Clay will eventually tour on the west coast? In the meantime, Broads are being sucked in left and right, and not in a good way. They're actually starting to think that plaid pattern is sexy. *shouts to the heavens* Dang you, Clay Aiken! Dang you and your hotness! Why must you make everything so ding dang sexy? *sighs* Whoever thought a Peter Pan hat could be such a turn-on?

Or flip-flops with dress pants?

Or pajamas out in public?


Again with the plaid, Clay? Again?

Pam: Hey, I called the pajamas a long time ago. Of course, back then, I never imagined he'd pair them with a dorky hat.

Pam: *sigh* Yet, it just makes me want him more.

Nelle: That's my point exactly! We know the Broads put their money where their arousal is. I can't stand the thought of Broads carrying their purple beads and tassels in matching Burberry accessories at our next Broadfest. Wendy is already talking about making all the Broads wear Burberry aprons in The Ranch kitchen! Last weekend MGM Pat snuck in a set of Burberry sheets to The Ranch. *shudders* And last night, Wendy suggested on the PPs that all the Ranch Hands wear...

...Burberrry Boots when grooming the Freckled Stallion.

You know full well a Burberry Clay Aiken thong is right around the corner!


Nelle's Nightmare!

Pam: Okay, Nelle. I agree with you. But what do you want me to do?

Nelle: Well, between your strong commitment to education and your advanced delusional state, I figure you can conjure up a valid reason that a young, rich, handsome rock star like Clay would develop such a *sob* freakish obsession. *sniffles*

Pam: You know, I've been wondering that if by publicly putting his own obsession on display, Clay isn't somehow holding a mirror up to his fans, and asking them to look deep inside themselves at their own obsession. And yet, while he's subtly mocking us, he's simultaneously sending subliminal messages to "buy more than one." A very clever marketing ploy.

Nelle: (pauses) He's clever, but he's not that clever. And frankly, I expected something a little more sarcastic from you.

Pam: Okay, okay, Nelle. Don't worry. I'm on top of things.

Nelle: I thought you said you liked....oh, nevermind.

So with just the right combination of education and delusion, Pam heads to the library to do her research. She finds some very interesting tidbits about this Burberry......and draws some very satisfying conclusions.

Thomas Burberry invented gabardine, and originally outfitted sports enthusiasts and outdoorsmen. And this.....doesn't relate to Clay at all. Hmmmm....but what's this? The first person to reach the South Pole was decked out in Burberry. South pole. Mmmmm, that's something we can all wrap our mou....er.... minds around.

Who wouldn't want to be the first explorer to reach this south pole? And just like her 1911 predecessor, erect a Burberry gabardine tent to mark her accomplishment? Hmmmm....Clay erecting a tent....*slaps cheeks*.... back to the research.

The first man to cross the Antarctic continent was also wearing Burberry. Seems Burberry was the fashion choice for many a trailblazer, explorer, or adventurer. We all know Clay has the heart of an explorer, who dashed his own dream of entering The Amazing Race, so he could begin his trailblazing journey as a pop star. He travels the Midwest, er, country, and still enjoys a little daredevilry on the side. Why, his latest exploits are already legendary in his own mind. (and quite a turn-on for the rest of ours).

But remember his first feat of adventure? I'm talking about the trip to Sea World. Notice how close he is, not just to the edge of the pool, but to a dangerous, deadly creature! And a whale as well. (Sorry, Kelly, I still love you!)

The man owns like 800 pairs of shoes, but which does he choose for such a risky undertaking?


Why, his Burberry sneakers, of course.

The shoes of adventure-seekers everywhere. For all those times you need an extra layer of bravery.

Like when you're going to the grocery store, or out for Krispy Kremes. There are few witnesses to this daring act of bravery that Clay must endure time and time again, but one intrepid fan did manage to snap this picture of his feet, just after he tripped her on his way out.

What do you do when your pajama bottoms are stuck at the dry cleaners, and you're forced to greet your fans in just your skivvies? Slap on some Burberry and call yourself a pioneer.

Speaking of layers, the hideous, er, famous Burberry plaid started as a jacket lining, which is really a built-in extra layer. We all know Clay likes his layers.

So, the plaid lining the inside collar of his Burberry shirts...

...is like an extra layer of comfort and the familiar goodness of stitchwitchery all rolled into one. And he didn't have to do it himself!

I learned Burberry designed for the British military as well. Every soldier needs a helmet as he heads off to battle.

Yikes! How many colors of that plaid trimmed polo are there? Did he have to buy them all?

How many colors can one person mix with plaid?

This powerful plaid helmet protected Clay from injury and acted as a natural repellent when he recently found himself scouting an enemy camp in Atlantic City.

Let's not forget Raleigh. Clay's trusty sidekick has been through many adventures with her master, so why wouldn't they wear matching gear? (because it's crazy....oh, never mind.....just call it a quirk and look at the picture.)

*sigh*

Uhhh, let's all ignore the implications of Clay's hat for a moment...

...and remember how cute it was when we all thought he was just spoiling his best girl.

See? You can still pretend that it's only on the dog. In your mind, Clay's shoes, hat, and shirt DO NOT match Raleigh's leash and collar. And he most definitely DOES NOT have a plaid wallet and keychain in his pants pockets. Oh, who am I kidding..... back to research....

I didn't know whether to feel excited or just a little skeered when I read that Burberry "adapted the design....to accommodate the needs and equipment of the time." I like thinking about Clay having to accommodate his equipment, but I worry that it's only a matter of time before those long, lean legs are covered in plaid. And not the good pajama pants kind. Please, Clay, whenever you get the urge to go for the London Look, please remember this:

Oh, my.

*clears throat and speaks in best professorial voice*

In conclusion, although Clay does seem to have a compelling need to occasionally channel his inner British eccentric and to more frequently channel his inner grandpa, I believe he is in fact channeling his inner explorer every time he stands in front of the mirror and admires his latest Burberry acquisition.

Or, y'know, maybe he's just blindly reaching into the box of factory irregulars he got on the cheap in London, and thinking, "plaid goes with everything."

*sigh*

At least the next assignment is a good one: showing Clay a few more appropriate ways he could be channeling his "inner explorer...."

Anyone care to join me?

(*whispers* Just make sure to hide your Burberry purse where Nelle can't see it...)


Pam
With a little controlling interference help from Nelle

Thanks to Kat finding all the Burberry shoe pix
Thanks to Lila for the Burberry Thong


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