Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-10-20
6:04 p.m.

Experts Release New Behavioral Research ...

Charlotte/RTP, North Carolina- Today the former AI International Health Organization held a press conference to announce two exciting new developments. First Drs. Diane Sawyer, Meredith Vieira, and Kathy Griffin announced their organization has been renamed and is now called The Aiken Institute.

�AI? We don�t need any stinkin� AI!� Vieira stated emphatically. �We realized that AI needs us, well, Clay. So, we told them they could��

�We decided a name change was in order,� explained Dr. Sawyer.

Secondly, the group reported that after a prolonged (9 month) hiatus, there was research to help explain the titillating new behavior of their favorite subject, Clay Aiken.

�In Charlotte, Clay showed us a behavior we had always hoped to observe, but never dreamed we would,� noted Sawyer. �I�m talking, of course, of the �mounting behavior.��

�Humpin� legs like a groom on his honeymoon, baby,� clarified Dr. Griffin. �Although, I would have preferred a �private� demonstration�for research purposes.�

The mounting behavior can manifest itself for several reasons. Of course, there is the obvious sexual connotation of the act.

�We already know through the �Aiken Effect� that Clay�s pheromones can cause every Broad in an arena to go into heat simultaneously,� reminded Sawyer. �With that many women in heat, there had to be a behavioral response from Clay at some time.�

�Humpin� and humpin� and humpin�,� repeated Griffin.

Another common reason for the mounting behavior is to demonstrate dominance. The humper is trying to establish his or herself as the leader of the pack.

�A growl. A show of teeth. A look that says, �I�m in charge, and don�t you forget it.� Humping your leg until you cry, �Uncle.� These are all things that Clay does to show his dominance,� explained Meredith Vieira.

�Still humpin�,� said Griffin.

Mounting behavior can also occur as a displaced activity in response to conflict or excitement. Anyone who acts in a friendly, yet aggressive way, giving signals which are hard to interpret�or not�can elicit the behavior.

�Throwing panties, flashing thongs, and begging to be lei�d. These are all friendly, yet aggressive behaviors and may end with a demonstration of the mounting behavior,� noted Vieira.

�Humpin� with the left leg, humpin� with the right leg�,� said Griffin.

Drs Sawyer and Vieira were quick to give a statement of warning and a few guidelines.

�If the mounting behavior is accompanied by extensive growling or biting, if he is overly possessive of food or toys, if he gets obsessed with biting his feet, if he stands with his legs wide apart or at an awkward angle, if he appears to be having seizures, or hisses for no reason, you should seek the help of the authorities,� stated Sawyer.

At this point in the news conference, your reporter felt compelled to ask the only pertinent question�

�Why in the H*ll would ANYONE call the authorities if Clay was growling at them? And Lord, his legs have been at an awkward angle since birth. And as for the seizure�have you seen his air instrumentation with �Rosanna?� I mean, if Clay is showing me a �mounting behavior� I am going NOWHERE and I am calling NO ONE, except my boss because I�m never going to be seen again. As for the toys��

�I told you they weren�t going to fall for that,� quipped Griffin. �They thought they could keep him for themselves if they told you he was dangerous. HAHAHAHAHAHA!�

At this point the conference was terminated due to a possible riot. Hopefully the research team can refocus and unearth more fascinating unknown facts about Mr. Clay Aiken.

~ DrNC � Surgeon General of the Broads

PS: The reporter would like to thank the one and only Ethel for selling her three tickets outside Carowinds on Sat., so I could enjoy the mounting behavior from the 16th row instead of the 44th.


Written By: Doc in NC


Posted By: Wendy in FL ...

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