2004-06-14
11:38 p.m.

Not a Geek

As you know, Clay occasionally sends out official messages to his fans via the boards. LBFCA is proud to share another of these messages direct from Clay to you.

Hello. This is Clay Aiken. I'm coming to you today to address a serious matter. For over a year now, people have been saying things about me which are just not true. And I'd like to clear it up once and for all.

I AM NOT A GEEK.

I don't know how this rumor started. I mean, look at me. Do I look like a geek?

No, I do not.

My denials in the media have done absolutely no good, so I've decided to take matters in my own hands and argue my case point by point to prove once and for all that I am one cool dude. And I will use the Broads as a point of comparison because we all know that there's nobody cooler than the Broads. Right? Right. (Besides, you know I love mah Broads.)

Let me start with my detractors' so-called evidence. They often begin by looking to my past. They see that I was involved in high school musical productions and think that somehow that makes me a geek.

But in my defense, all the cool kids from the A-V club were involved in one form of musical entertainment or another.

Would one call this Broad a geek?

No. Because what is cooler than marching band? That's right. Nothing. And band camp? Rawks.

Or how about this Broad?

Now that is a cool talent. I wish we'd had Steerettes at my school. Love them boots.

And this Broad with the tambourine?

She's so cool she scares me. She oozes coolness. I bet she sings in Vegas now she's so cool.

Another thing they always bring up is the glasses. I ask you, do glasses really make one a geek? I think not.

Case in point: check out these hot broads.

Dayum.

Some would say it is not the glasses themselves, but the size of the glasses that make one a geek.

But if that were true, well, then, this Broad--with the glasses that ate her face--would be a geek. And we know that that could not possibly be true.

Now, I know I've caught a lot of flack for my hair styling choices over the years. But I have to ask, just what is so wrong with a little permanent wave? Hmmm? (I wasn't asking you, Mama.)

Without a little help from Ogilvie, how would one get hair tall enough? And tall hair is cool. Just ask this Broad.

And at least I never did the Flock of Seagulls do.

(though sometimes first thing in the morning it happens on its own)

Even today, I'm still getting criticism of my hair. I've heard some of you refer to my current style as a "mullet." It is not a mullet.

It is a Carol Brady shag. Made fashionable by this young Broad.

(Ooh, nice outfit. Ya'll know I love buuuddderflies. And purple and red, nice color combo. Let's see some more of that action.)

Speaking of fashion, my fashion choices are another source of geek rumors. For example, my penchant for plaid has caused some to question my coolness. But what's wrong with a little plaid?

It sure do look purty on this Broad.

And yes, I admit it, I like pink. That does not make me a geek.

Ryan Seacrest wears pink, and you wouldn't call him a geek, would you? Or this little frosted cupcake of a Broad?

Now, Jay Leno made fun of my bowtie/sparkly vest combo. But come on, how hot do I look in a bowtie?

And it's just as sexy on a Broad. The perfect unisex attire for all occasions. Look, we even have the same hairdo!

Now you can't be holding the shiny shirts against me. It was the 80s. Okay, it wasn't really the 80s. It was 1999, but in Raleigh it was still the 80s. And you gotta love the Duran Duran look. This Broad sure did. (Of course, for her, it really was the 80s).

And you know these 80s new wave glasses are cool if this Broad is wearin' them.

(nice t-shirt, btw!)

Do I need to go any further? I thought not. Clearly, I am not a geek. If I were, that would mean the Broads are geeks, and that couldn't be true.

Could it?

*****

Text by Katynka

Pictures bravely contributed by the Main Page Broads in a vain attempt to prove they are not geeks.

Anyone who can correctly identify all the Broads on this page will win a lifetime supply of Krispy Kremes. Well, not actually, but they will win a kiss from Clay. Well, I can't promise that either. But you can get a kiss from Odin. Don't worry, his breath isn't that bad. Really. (Odin, don't yawn like that in my face, please. Especially not after tuna.)