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2005-02-06
Iron Clay
Scene: Office of Clay Aiken, Inc. phone rings Receptionist (or office furniture, as the big wigs like to think of us, henceforth known as *flunky*), cheerily answers: Clay Aiken, Inc. *head bop* Chairman Kaga: Kaga here, from Iron Chef, you have seen MY show, eh? Much MUCH bigger than American Idol...Ah'm just saying....EVERYONE on this planet, EVEN RANDY AND SIMON KNOW of my show (Pauler, not so much...she is not quite on THIS planet)....AND...I have a dream, a mission, if you will indulge me, to present the finest cuisine in the world, and I require the services of Mr. Aiken to assist me...he must speak to me (sounds of biting pepper in background)
Flunky: Well, sir, frankly, I have NOT heard of your show, reckon it's NOT bigger than Clay's (hee), and I have no guidance on this type of call...let me put you through to Mr. Aiken. CA: Hello? Chairman Kaga: Aikensan Chairman Kaga here, from Iron Chef...I have a mission in this world, I know you understand that...and...I require your assistance in fulfilling my dream, we must deliver the finest cuisine to the world...you generate HUGE.....ratings....you could help me fulfill my mission... CA: Well, Kagasan...Ah'm not sure..what do you need from me? Give me mac and cheese and I'm happy.. I already turned down Fear Factor...you don't have THAT kind of fine cuisine, do ya? Kaga: NOOOOO, we must educate the world. I anticipated your reply. We will make this a fundraiser, all proceeds will go to BAF. CA: Well, okay, then, we must not let down the chirrun...but you know, I got a few allergies, we'd hafta address that... Kaga: sigh , Okay, but you MUST allow shark fins and truffles... CA: Well, you can put anything you want in there...'cept for mushrooms, chocolate, mint, shellfish and tree nuts....but I ain't gonna guarantee I'll eat it. Now, HOLD! ON!...TRUFFLES? Ain't that fancy mushrooms? I KNEW y'all were gonna try to kill me! Kaga: Calm yourself, Aikensan...you will be the celebrity judge...you just must talk. CA: Oh, well, why didn't you say so? Talk I can do...AND I NEED TO TALK MAHSELF OUT OF THIS!!! Scene: Kitchen Stadium:
Opening shot, Kaga, addressing celebrity guest judge Clay Aiken: Kaga: Um, yes, *coughonlyhourshowcough*, we have matched two Iron Chefs in battle tonight to benefit BAF, Iron Chef Chen vs. Iron Chef Mikimoto CA: Okay, right....and? Kaga: AND....The theme ingredient is....
LIMA BEANS!!!
CA: Woohoo, now there is one ingredient I know something about. Chen: Mikimoto: Lima Beans??? !!!!! *translation* Reckon I should be thankful it wasn't blackeyed peas and okra. (NOTE TO SELF: Make sweet tea. At least I have an advantage, having actually lived in US.) Chefs tear to theme ingredient podium, start loading up baskets of lima beans Then they stand scratching heads...? What does one do with Lima Beans? CA (babbling with excitement): I surely do hope they make lima bean pie, I sure do love me some lima bean pie....blahblahblahcakes
Chen: Thank goodness we have shark fins and truffles, oh, right, NO truffles, can't kill a judge, bad for ratings...surely I can hide some lima beans in something in this kitchen... Kitchen stadium madness ensues...but suddenly...all madness seems to point to Clay...all at once *sigh*, ain't that just the way? Mikimoto: ! My knife, it has broken.... Akiko Hinagata:
(twitter)... Honorable Mikimoto, just observe Honorable Aikensan...I am sure his cheekbones could serve as your cutting surface...
CA: blush Chen: Aikensan, my blow torch has gone out!!! My lima bean flambe is in peril....HELP ME!!! CA? What? What do you want of me?!? I was just hoping I could stomach this stuff till I could send Jerome out for KFC!!! Akiko Hinagata:
(twitter)... Honorable Chen, just observe, I believe Aikensan can help in this instance too....just observe the eyes....do you not feel...*fans self* WARM?
CA: blush Chef Mikimoto: Arghh!!! My wooden spoon has shattered!!! Akiko Hinagata:
(twitter)... Honorable Mikimoto...observe....
CA: Oh, no...no....Jerome...c'mon, WE ARE OUTTA HERE.... Next week...Fukui San and Chairman Kaga endeavor to invade Cookie Wendy's kitchen.....(roll preview, set in the Ranch kitchen, special episode ) CA: Cool, Squeezon, did I hear someone say Squeezon? Does that mean they get something edible next week?, Like Cheezwhiz? *Rolls eyes*...figures... (Fukui San (a/k/a Squeezon) and Kaga roll Eyes, Wendy brandishes spatula, don't EVEN wanna KNOW what Killer D is doing...)
*personally, we'd rather see Clay arise (ahem)*
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