2003-10-07
3:45 p.m.

Broadmuda Triangle: Karen Eh?

Broadmuda Triangle: Karen Eh?

Convent School Gurrl � Wife & Mother � Lecherous Broad

This is a picture of me. This picture speaks four words. I-am�a-brunette. I was raised in a devout Catholic home where we dutifully ate fish on Friday, lurked in confessionals on Saturday, and attended mass every Sunday. Thank God this is a black & white photo�.my true colors are conspicuously absent here and my mother has a nice memento of how she would like to remember me.

My favorite things when I was a child included corn on the cob, double-dutch, roller skating and tap dancing lessons (which ended abruptly with the disappearance of my tap shoes after a school picnic�clickety click). I was also known to be the best darn hustler of Girl Guide cookies this city had ever seen.

All in all life was pretty normal for me as a young Catholic girl growing up in the big city. I did what I liked, lied about it to my mother, and got absolution on Saturday afternoon. After completing high school I decided to celebrate my liberation from the Sisters of Charity by enrolling in a Jesuit University. I signed up for a major in hard rock geology which, back in the dark ages, assured me of two things�one, I would be the only female in my classes and two, I would be the only female at work. My early education had provided quite enough exposure to females, thank you very much. The Jesuits were a definite improvement over the nuns and I feel I got a well rounded education; a little geology, a little chemistry, a little biology, a little pharmacology, and some French.

A few years of fruitful employment followed and eventually I met the man who would become Mr. Karen Eh? He was still a student but I didn�t let all of the �robbing the cradle� remarks bother me one bit. (Hmmm�do we see a pattern developing here?) We got married and since I wasn�t pregnant for that auspicious occasion, my mother considered her job of raising me a success and sent me off with her blessing. (No need for a photo here. Just take the first communion dress and lengthen it. Everything else is the same.)

Mr. Karen Eh? was an oil man. I followed his derrick the length and breadth of the continent�.from Newfoundland to Alaska to New Orleans to Oklahoma and back again. There was many a gusher along the way and a few dry holes as well. I gave birth to two teenagers and stayed at home to raise them, offering whatever I advice I could give should they ask for it. When they were small I made them the occasional meal, but once they were old enough to read expiry dates��I pretty much left them alone. I think they turned out okay��considering.

My day to day activities consisted of tennis with my buds, lunch with my buds, and shopping in the afternoon. If the truth be known, there was more lunch than tennis and hence the shopping was for bigger clothes. GASP!! I had put on a few pounds�.well a few more than a few.

Life wasn�t too bad. We moved a lot and I made lots of friends all over North America. Yup, even girlfriends. But I was picky when it came to girlfriends��you needed to have the right kind of �tude to hang with me and I didn�t have much patience for wives who had to be home in time to iron their husband�s favorite poker shirt. Let him iron his own ding dang shirt fercryinoutloud!

Eventually, we came full circle and landed back here where it all began. Mr. Karen Eh? decided he had enough of the oil biz and for some strange reason took a notion to open a gym�.a women�s gym. How is Mr. Karen Eh? supposed to work in a women only gym? Well, he�s not��I am supposed to work in the women�s only gym. Life changes dramatically overnight, but I am tough I can do this. I will lose weight, I will get in shape, and I will make this crazy idea work�� I AM----

So life continues. I am a working woman now. We have three gyms! I have no time for television until I see this ----------

Oh���MY���..GAWD.

I had heard and read that American Idol was pure �Cheese� and I suppose that�s true enough, but this boy was �cream� cheese. I really liked Clay Aiken from the first time I heard him sing on the Atlanta audition show but when he looked at Paula Abdul and said. �You�re askin� me?� I was done in. It also didn�t hurt that he seemed responsive to offers from older women. I so loved my Tuesday dates with Clayton, before I knew it our (humor me here okay?) attraction had blossomed into a full blown affair. We rendezvoused twice a week and it was heavenly. He sang to me on every show. I counted the days till we met again. I wondered what he would wear and what he would sing. Mr. Karen Eh? didn�t seem to mind at all. I think he found it all very amusing. It wasn�t until after the show was over that I went searching for more information on my Buttercup. Our little affair appeared to be over but I was far from satisfied. I needed more�..oh so much more.

Come to find out�.that little dickens of mine had been getting around. He had spawned an industry and I quickly checked to see that we still owned internet stocks. I found a plethora of websites and message boards. I satiated my appetite for all things Clay. I overflowed my hard drive and had to double its size. I blew out the speakers on my computer and got some awesome new ones, ones that have a great big woofer. (All the better to hear you with my dear, he he�). The chatter on the boards only whetted my appetite for more. Nothing was satisfying��.nothing I found was enough. I was drifting aimlessly, lost in a sea of cyber babble, tangled in threads, but still sticky tacked to my desk chair. This was a woman who had renamed the drive she stores her media files on d:sexdrive. I just couldn�t resist doing that��the last little bit of my Catholic had lapsed.

Thank the Lord in all his mercy I found �The Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken�. By the time I arrived at this party, the bar was wide open, and the buffet was spread. The hair was down and the shoes were kicked off. There were sign up sheets for games. �Connect the Freckles, ten o�clock�..Tonsil Hockey at eleven�.. Nekkid Twister, midnight. Halleluljah! Where should I put my purse?

Clayton was comfortably settled on the sofa and seemed to be enjoying the attention very much. He was doing an awful lot of giggling. I noticed a pair of fluffy white angel wings tossed in a corner and was told, �he had those on when he came in�. Everyone seemed concerned over the health and happiness our Buttercup, but they also showed the same concern for each other. This seemed like a healthy environment for a sweet young Studmuffin, like Clayton, to grow. He was getting all the love and attention he would ever need. Yet no Broad seemed to mind telling him to get up and get his own Coke if she was too busy with her Main Pages or downloads. He always would have to iron his own shirts. A perfect place indeed��beautiful and unspoiled.

There were poetry readings and sing-a-longs (nothing too wholesome mind you), videos to watch, and discussions of all things newsworthy and biblical. And since we all couldn�t be entertained by our Freckled Stallion at once, we entertained each other with chatter about.�.well, all things biblical.

This was a good place to be. I knew, from the moment I stepped through the doorway, that I was a long lost Broad and I had found a home for my lechery. Nobody here was ashamed to admit that they had licked their monitor, spit coffee on their keyboard, or watched Mr. Lova so many times that their husband said, �why don�t ya �give the poor guy a rest�.

I wasn�t expecting to find love this summer. I wasn�t expecting to get on an airplane and land safely in Toronto. I wasn�t expecting to push my luck and fly safely back and forth from Seattle either, but I did. And I certainly wasn�t expecting to meet a wonderful bunch of creative and intelligent women who are just as crazy as I am. I wasn�t expecting anything and look what I got? I must be doing something right. I have endured funny looks, smirks, and grins from family, friends, employees and co-workers�..but you know what��.that�s all part of the fun, because I�ve got the biggest s**t eatin� grin of them all. I am supremely happy. I am a Broad. I am a supremely happy Broad.

Dear Sister Bernadette:

It seems you were right about me all along. You always said you had an eye for the �bad� ones and as you predicted I expect to be coming to an unfortunate end. On the bright side, I will have lots of company. I do have one favor to ask though. If it�s not too much trouble, could you pray that the salvation of B****ey Sp****s be bumped up the line a bit. She won�t really fit in with this crowd. I have enclosed a small donation and a recent photo of me for your files.

Always and Forever,

Karen Eh?

......UNFORTUNATELY THE END!

-Broad Karen Eh?

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