2005-02-26
8:39 a.m.

Broads Visit Kenny

We know he's in Hawaii now (and wearing plenty of sunscreen, right, Clay?), and we�re savoring the Clack as it emerges, but what was Mr. Aiken up to after his Kimmel appearance? We didn't really see or hear too much from him. Speaking of, we didn't exactly see or hear too much from the Broads either. Coincidence? HA! There's no such thing as a coincidence in the land of delusion.

As they recover, the Broads are starting to release.....the details....

Bored: The Musical

*As the pounding at his door becomes more insistent, Clay finally opens one eye and perks up his ears*

"Oh Lord and Taylor, why hasn't Nick answered the door already? NICK!!" No answer. "NICK! The door!" Again, no answer. "Oh crap. That's right. Nick's back in North Carolina. QUIANA!!"

Clay finally completely rouses himself from his slumber, scratches his head with one hand and his tummy with the other, and shifts to a sitting position on his leather sofa. Raleigh, who had been sleeping behind his knees, looks at him with some irritation, spins around twice, then quickly falls back asleep.

Clay continues to hear the banging at his door, so he starts to walk toward it. He can hear what sounds like the voices and movements of several women on his front porch. He's about ten feet from the door when he hears

"Trick or Treat!" followed by giggles.

"What in the world? How long have I been sleeping?" He continues to scratch his head as his sock-covered feet pad along the hardwood floors. He takes a look out the peephole.

"Trick or Treat!"

"No, no, no, this can't be." He quickly scuttles to his living room, turns the blinds, and checks the weather from his window. "Oh that's right. No seasons in L.A. But I can't have slept til October!" He quickly sniffs at his armpits, then says to himself, "Oh Lord, I always smell fresh. I still don't understand why my bit...,er, fans, find that so fascinating. But I have to believe that even I'd start to ripen just a little after nine months. NICK!!" He smacks his forehead. "Ooooh. I keep forgetting. I'm changing my own rolls of toilet paper now."

Clay quickly runs to his kitchen and opens his fridge. He admires the soldier-like precision of his milk bottles, and spins one around to check the expiration date. "Ha! It says February 19.

So it's definitely not October. Oh goodness. Unless...." He twists the top open, closes one eye, and goes in for a smell. "Yup. Fresh as me. It's definitely still February." He winks at his own handsome face staring back at him from the calendar on his kitchen wall, places the milk bottle back into its proper place in line, and heads back to the front door.

"Trick or Treat!" The women on his porch are becoming more insistent in their banging and shouting.

Clay takes a longer look through his peephole. He sees several women dressed in various hospital garb, with purple leis and boas and a few tiaras thrown in for good measure. As creative and enthusiastic as some of his fans are, he can't believe they're so enthusiastic that they'd mistake February for October. Or creative enough to trick or treat in the first place. He sees them whisper amongst themselves, then turn toward the door and yell in unison:

"Trick or Treat for UNICEF!"

"Okay, okay, I'm coming!!"

A sea of giggles erupts from the front porch as Clay swings open the door. He's now fully awake from his sleep and he recognizes the familiar faces smiling back at him. He grins shyly.

"Hey, Broads. How ya doing?" He's genuinely happy to see his best gurrls, so happy in fact that a full-fledged skit breaks out on his front porch:

Paula: Hey, Clay. *she looks behind him into the hallway*

Clay: Hey, Paula. It's great to see you guys, but I'm still taking that nap I talked so much about. *he steels himself for their inevitable vigorous greeting*

CaroleZ: We know, Clay. We got that message.

Robin: For awhile we were hoping that "take a nap" was just a euphemism for "visit mah Broads on the Ranch," but after a couple of weeks we figured it out.

Jill: Don't worry though, Clay. We kept ourselves busy with some Broad on Broad, er, board games.

Erin: So now we're really hoping that "take a nap" is actually a euphemism for "go down to my basement studio and work on my kick*ss CD."

Clay: You know I don't speak in euphemisms.

Paula: Clay, you don't really think we're supportive enough to believe that, do you?

Robin: So are you working on that CD, or aren't you?

Mary in MD: Yes, Clay. How soon before we can Vote TRL again?

Clay: I'll never tell. You'll just have to wait and see like all my other fans. *he stares at Robin and Mary, knocking down them and several other Broads in their paths*

Elaina: Ooooooh, a staring contest. Look out, Gurrls, Elaina will handle this one! *she pushes to the front and stares straight at Clay, who stares straight back through her*

Other Broads: No, Elaina! Don't do it! You can't win against the Aiken!

*Clay proceeds to stare down Elaina and every other Broad standing in the front row, knocking down each one in turn, creating a domino effect on his front porch as row by row of Broads fall. He catches any staggering Broads with his laser greens so that he's eventually the only one left standing.*

Elaina: (struggling to speak) I think we were all winners here....THUD!

Clay: Hey, it's a Pile-O-Broads! Look out, gurrls! I'm jumping in!

*Clay starts to dive into the pile, but not before Kat is able to extricate herself, stand up, and block his movement.*

Clay: Kat! What are you doing? I wanted to play.

Kat: Clay, you made it very clear that you didn't want to play with us. We've tried to respect that.

Clay: But that was before I realized how much I would miss you guys! And this game looks like so much fun. C'mon, you know you're my best gurrls.

Erin: We know, Clay. We appreciate the shout-out in the sex man..., er, tour program.

Carol (FL): And we know that when you're sleeping, you're dreaming about us.

Clay: Who told you that?

Carol (FL): Kat did. Remember when you hit your head and then had that dream with the sea of purple?

Clay: I never had a dream about a sea of purple.

OH Cindy: Yes you did. Kat wrote all about it a few weeks ago. Are you calling Kat a liar?

Clay: Well, if I called Kat a liar, she'd probably want to give me a spanking.

CaroleZ: So are you calling her a liar or not, Clay?

Clay: (slyly) Yes. Yes I am.

Kat: Clay, would you step into the front hall with me for a moment?

Clay: Yes'm. *he hangs his head in mock shame but he practically skips into the front hall with Kat. They close the door and emerge a couple of minutes later*

Kat: (looking mighty satisfied) So, Clay. What do you have to say to the Broads?

Clay: Kat isn't a liar and I did have that dream about the sea of purple. In fact, every single thing that Kat has ever written, either by herself or with the help of others, is based on fact.

Melissa: (whispers to Kat) Oh my god, Kat. What did you do? You're not supposed to actually hurt him.

Clay: (overhearing and continuing) Odin's mother would never hurt a soul. Nor would she lie about being able to accurately relate my innermost dreams, thoughts, or motivations.

Kat: Very good, Clay, but what did I say about Odin?

Clay: That he's a, um, very powerful, um, (whispers) housecat.

Kat: No. About you referring to me as his "mother."

Clay: Sorry. Kat and Odin have a platonic and respectful master and servant relationship.

Pam: Hey, just like Clay and Nick. But with respect.

Clay: I respect Nick.

Pam: I never said you didn't.

Clay: (starts to say something in reply, then stops himself) Anyway, Broads. You really are my best gurrls and I'm really sorry I haven't been to the ranch in ages, but I was kinda in the middle of something. *he points back into his house*

Kinri: That's okay, Clay. We're not here to see you anyway.

Clay: Oh. Well, Nick's not here. Sorry, Kinri. *Kinri pouts and removes the Clig* And Pam, I guess you'll just have to find someone else to torture.

Pam: What are you implying? That I delight in torturing Nick?

Clay: No. Just that you don't scare me with all your voodoo vocabulary and so-called "clever innuendo."

Pam: Well, of course not, Clay. You're a man now. You know how the river feels when it reaches the sea.

*Clay looks slightly confused, but he's determined to get it.*

Pam: Not that I would ever lust over a young Clayton, as amazonilian as his river may have been at the time. I do wonder about your lower register though.

Clay: My lower singing register?

Pam: Just one of its many talents, I'm sure. But I'm really wondering when and where exactly did you lose it? At the final destination, or did you just momentarily misplace it somewhere along the journey? And by journey, I mean a lot more than open arms. But not the open legs of the sea. Or is that a mouth? I guess the final destination is really up to you. Literally. So tell me, have there been a lot of travelers along the river?

Clay: huh?

Pam: Because as seasick as I become at times, I still enjoy some white-water rafting once in awhile. The trick is keeping a strong focal point.

Clay: (finally catching on) I see. I bet that's hard sometimes.

Pam: Well, that certainly helps. But speaking of our quirks and foibles...

Clay: Is that what we're calling them these days?

Pam: Among other things. Anyway, I'm curious about your fear of water. Have you finally gotten over that, (pause) River Boy?

Clay: I have in fact. Didn't you hear? They're going to erect a bridge in my name.

Pam: That's interesting. I've heard that love can build a bridge.

Clay: Hmmm, I'll have to give that a try sometime. I've heard that love can move mountains.

Pam: This love is quite a contractor. Anyway, you don't have to move any mountains on my account.

Clay: I can see that. *he smirks and glances slightly downward*

Pam: (pauses for quite a moment) Okay, Clay, you win this one. But I so had you there for a minute. *pounds fist into palm* You threw me off when you said "erect." Thanks for that, by the way.

Clay: No problem. But who are you guys here to see? Not Jacob, I hope. I still haven't told him where I live. *giggles to himself*

Kelly: No way. Any Broads who've ever expressed even the most remote interest in Jacob are still doing their court-imposed community service. (leans in to explain to Clay) The Clay Nation finally enacted a law last fall. Made it retroactive and everything.

Clay: But I caught Jacob trying to corrupt several of my younger fans at every single stop of my Joyful Noise Tour. He never did understand the whole point of that Resolution Banter.

Kelly: To be fair to your younger fans, Clay, remember that every defendant has the right to be tried by a jury of her peers. And I never got called for jury duty.

Clay: Oh. Okay, but back to this unexpected visit. First off, how did you ever find out where I live?

SuzyP: Well, basically, the rain and winds cleaned the air around LA so well, that you threw all your west coast Broads into heat. We gathered up all the other broads and followed your scent.

Clay: You have got to be kidding. Just what do other men smell like anyway?

All Broads: (in unison) Just not good.

Clay: Wow. So you honestly found me by my....musk?

And you were so sure it was me that you knocked at the door? Incessantly?

AmyE: Well, the milk bottles by your curb kinda clinched it for us.

Clay: Okay, so you found me. But now you say you're not even here to see me? So who are you hoping to see, and why are you wearing such unusual clothing?

Wendy: We're here to see Kenny.

Clay: I don't know a Kenny.

Wendy: Don't you be fibbing, Clay! You do so know Kenny. Now where is he? *waves her spatula as she tries to move past Clay*

Clay: *puts his arm up to stop Wendy, who starts to shake and giggle quietly* Whoa, Wendy. I know you're just trying to get into my kitchen, but it took me forever to get things back where I like them after Thanksgiving.

You are not going to come in and mess my stuff up.

Paula: We told you, Clay. We're not here to see you. We're here to see Kenny. You can just sleep or record your CD or whatever it is you do when you're all alone....*her voice drifts off as her eyes wander toward the waistband of his wrinkled khakis, which are surprisingly sexy in person*

Clay: Seriously. I know you're all messing with me. Who is this Kenny character?

Pam: See? You do know who he is.

Clay: No I don't. Who is he?

Pam: A character, Clay. Remember? You played him on tv? Or did you just happen to sleepwalk your way onto the Scrubs set?

Clay: (laughing) Oh lord. You guys really had me going there for a minute. Yes, I played a character named Kenny on Scrubs. But he was fired at the end of the episode, so I'm finished with that character

SuzyP: But we want to see him NOW. We know he's here.

Clay: There's no Kenny. I know you're just messing with me to get back at me. You all understand that Kenny is just a part I played, and he'll hopefully live forever in syndication, but gurrls, I left him back at the studio.

OH Cindy: Clay. We know he's here, and he needs comforting. Now please just step aside.

Clay: C'mon, guys, seriously. It was very clever of you to come up with these costumes and concoct a story to get past my door, but you know I'm napping this winter. *sighs* But since you came all this way, you can come on in for an hour and we'll play some Twister or something.

And then I'll come back to the ranch this spring, I promise. For an extended holiday. Okay? Are we good?

*Clay smiles as he opens the door wide. He awaits his Broads with open arms, but as they enter, the Broads all scurry past him and scatter throughout his house in a desperate search for Kenny. Even Raleigh joins in the fun.*

Clay: What in the world? What are you guys doing?

Erin: I told you, Clay. We're looking for Kenny. He needs us. *she runs off*

Clay: Are you guys seriously deluded or what? Ahhhh...... *he grabs AmyE by the arms and spins her around* Amy. Sweetheart. I know you'll tell me the truth. What's going on?

AmyE: Clay, we haven't seen you for nearly a month except for those two PSAs, Kimmel and Scrubs. And it took a world wide tragedy just to get those precious PSAs. Yes, we all donated past what we'd already donated anyway as a result. But then we realized if that tragedy hadn't happened, we wouldn't have seen you at all for over five weeks. And then those pictures of Kenny were released. Oh God, Clay. He's gorgeous. He looks so much like you.

Clay: That's because he is me.

AmyE: No, Clay. There's something "different" about Kenny. Now, if you'll excuse me....*she rushes off. Clay then grabs Carol (FL) as she heads back down his stairs.*

Clay: Carol, c'mon, talk to me.

Carol (FL): Just for a second, Clay. I'm kinda busy.

Clay: Carol. I know you're one of my most supportive fans. And I mean that in the nicest way. I heard about what you were willing to do for me, and I sincerely appreciate it. Just tell me what's so fascinating about Kenny.

Carol (FL): I can't really describe it, Clay. Goodness knows I've been trying for the past two years to understand what I find so fascinating about you. I've spent a lot of time and money going to concerts and writing stories in my efforts at enlightenment. But what it all boils down to is that you stir something inside of me. And it feels good.

*Clay looks proudly, yet coyly toward his feet.*

Carol (FL): (putting her hand to Clay's chest in a reassuring way) And Clay, I'll always cherish what we have. As soon as you're awake from your nap, we'll pick up right where we left off. But Kenny stirs something inside of me as well. And if you'll excuse me, I need to find him so that I can explore those feelings.

Clay: (alone again) This is sheer insanity. What has my absence caused? *He spies Frances looking through his cupboard so he approaches her.* Frances. You're what? Like an engineer or something? Please tell me you've kept a level head about things.

Frances: (rifling through boxes of cereal) How do you mean?

Clay: Like, you understand that Kenny is just a character I played on tv.

Frances: Clay, all I understand is that Kenny is the hottest thing I've ever seen since, well, since YOU.

Clay: Because he is me!

Frances: No, Clay. You're napping, remember? Kenny works in a cafeteria and sings on the side.

Clay: And you're hoping to find him amongst my cereal boxes?

Frances: Clay, I'm not that craz...,er, that enthusiastic. I'm just looking for his smock. Or maybe his name tag. Well, it doesn't look like they're here. *she takes off*

Clay: Does Ashton Kutcher have anything to do with this? Where are the cameras?

Kat: No cameras, Clay. Now, Odin would really appreciate it if you could tell me where Kenny is. Because as much as I enjoyed lightly spanking your delicious *ss awhile ago, I remembered that I needed to respect your right to privacy and your wish for some downtime after servicing us all so well in 2004. But I also remembered that I haven't seen much of Kenny's *ss yet. I need to see for myself if it's as hot as yours.

Clay: I'll save you the trouble and tell you that it's exactly as hot as mine. C'mon, Kat, take a gander. *He turns his behind toward her and lifts it enticingly. But she's already gone. He sees Pam and Wendy at his kitchen island. While most of the Broads are dressed as nurses or orderlies, these two are both decked out in purple aprons.*

Clay: Wendy. I can't begin to understand what's going on here and especially what caused it. But can you at least explain all the costumes?

Wendy: It's simple, Clay. So simple that I missed it. Kenny's purple and orange smock is such an obvious shout-out to ME!

Clay: Like the obvious shout-outs I gave you at nearly every stop of my Joyful Noise Tour? How much more orange and purple could I have worn for heaven's sakes?

Besides, isn't Kenny's smock more of a burgundy?

Wendy: And what's burgundy but orange and purple mixed together? WHEEEEEE!!

Clay: (with wry irritation) And a smock is like an apron, which is all you ever wear out at the Ranch. Another obvious shout-out. Yay. Go Kenny. So if I put on an apron right now, will you pay attention to me?

Wendy: I really wish I could, Clay, but I'm respecting your need to sleep.

Clay: Why can't you understand that I miss you guys too? I said you could come in for an hour. Well, forget that. Stay all day! Heck, stay all night! You know I'm good for it. Or have you forgotten already?

Wendy: Clay, I treasure every memory we've ever made together. But Kenny so clearly adores me that I feel I need to explore a relationship with him as well.

Clay: Doesn't anybody watch Friends? Being "on a break" doesn't give you the right to be, y'know, exploring stuff, with other people. Yet you guys are all so quick to cheat on me with Kenny!

Wendy: It's not cheating when you're on a break. We'll all come back, we promise. *she twirls gleefully through the kitchen*

Clay: Did that wink mean nothing? Okay, Pam. Heaven help me, but I'm asking for your assistance. First of all, why are you in an apron? Isn't that Wendy's exclusive domain?

Pam: Clay, you know I like to help her in the kitchen. Remember? I gave her that matching set of measuring sticks and cups? I mean, I understand there's a lot you can do with a spatula and a little imagination, but there's no

precision with that instrument. And I'm all about numbers and measurement. Y'know. Hard facts.

Clay: (nodding his head) I know, I know. Hard facts and education. We've all heard it a thousand times.

Pam: Probably not as often as we've heard about the grocery store.

Clay: (puts his hands up) It's not a competition, so let's not get into another battle of wits here. You and I both know that the only people who observe and remember every little detail, no matter how small, are you, me, and Nelle. Which reminds me, where is Nelle anyway?

Pam: Oooh, Clay. I don't know if I should tell you, but she's a little miffed. I haven't seen her this upset since you didn't reach out and touch her at the end of the catwalk in San Jose.

Clay: Is she still not over that? I tried to explain to her that I was just feeling guilty about not wearing a tie and I forgot my place in the song.

Pam: You weren't thinking about hot pockets?

Clay: NO! Nelle accused me of the same thing. Honestly, I saw her standing there and realized she'd been to three concerts and never saw my purply shirt and tie. I felt so guilty. And it's not like I touched anyone else that night.

Pam: Well, Clay, I'm afraid this latest spat has also been caused by a tie, or more accurately, a lack thereof.

Clay: (looking down at his shirts) How does Nelle know what I'm wearing when she's not even here?

Pam: No, Clay, not what you're wearing, but what Kenny's wearing. Or rather not wearing. (pauses) A tie.

Clay: Ahhhh....

Pam: Kick*ss boots and a killer shirt and jacket, but no tie.

Clay: But if I wore a tie, no one would see my black t-shirt. I really had to extend my capabilities to pull that look off.

Pam: You wore a black t-shirt back on the Ellen show....

Clay: Yes, but with a second white t-shirt underneath. This time, I was (whispers) nekkid.

*long pause*

Clay: Pam? You okay?

Pam: Just give me another second.

Clay: C'mon, I really need your help here. As much as I love you guys I can't have you here indefinitely. I really need to rest up for my trip to Hawaii.

Pam: Well, then, Clay, you're going to have to give your fans what they want.

Clay: I try, but they never all want the same thing! Just like with the tie and the black t-shirt. I can't please everybody.

Pam: But in this case, they all do want the same thing. Kenny.

Clay: But he's not here!! Oh Lord and Taylor, I thought you were lucid for a moment there....

Pam: Clay, I'm completely lucid. Go get Kenny. Go become Kenny.

*Just then two Broads walk by and notice Clay and Pam engaged in yet another conversation....
First Broad: How come she gets to talk to Clay and I don't?
Second Broad: Because she's the one writing the skit. If you want to talk to him, write your own skit.br> First Broad: *sigh* Too much work. Let's just keep looking for Kenny.*

Clay: Ahhh...I get it. You want me to act without a script.

Pam: Exactly. So flatten out your hair, put on your smock and nametag, sing a few bars of "Isn't She Lovely" and everyone will go home with a smile on her face.

Clay: Now you want me to go to the NBC studios to get my smock and nametag?

Pam: Clay. You and I both know that your smock and nametag are somewhere in this house. I have no idea how the Broads never found them. But go get 'em.

Clay: What? Could you smell them too? *tries to break her in a staredown, but he's just not as successful when he's fibbing* Fahn. I'll be right back. *He goes to his closet and spots Jill pulling the pink shoelace out of one of his IT Nikes and slipping it into her pocket.* Here, Jill, why don't you just take the whole pair?

Jill: I really just want the laces, Clay.

Clay: No, I insist.

Jill: Clay, I hate to say it, but those shoes? Kinda ripe.

Clay: I know! But if you won't take them, who will? *Jill leaves with her laces and Clay reaches for an upper shelf where he finds the hideous green sweater he wore on his Christmas special. He reaches through the neck and pulls out the burgundy smock with the Kenny nametag firmly in place. He grabs one of his many beige polo shirts and quickly changes into his Kenny clothes.* There. How do I look? Geeky enough?

Pam: Ain't nothing geeky about Kenny. Except maybe those wrinkled khakis. Kenny should be wearing jeans.

Clay: (thinking) No problem. I own almost as many pairs of jeans as I do shoes. You don't think they'll mind if they're not the proper Kenny jeans, do you?

Pam: Oooh, they might. But if you really want to give your fans what they want, we do have one other point of agreement on your clothing choices.

Clay: What do you mean?

Pam: Those jeans you wore to Wango Tango last year? The faded low-riders? Scored a 100% approval rating.

Clay: That old pair? Hmmm....I don't know if I'll be able to find them.

Pam: Don't worry. I will. *She finds EK Cindy passed out with the Wango Tango low riding jeans of yummy goodness on top of her head, with Elaina and Terri in TN passed out on either side of her, each clutching a pantleg. She pries the jeans out of their hands and brings them back to Clay. He changes in an adjoining room, comes out and does a little spin.*

Clay: Now how do I look?

Pam: *she spits on her hands and smooths out some missed spots of his hair and eyes him carefully* Something's still not right though. Oh, yeah, Kenny dresses to the right in his jeans.

Clay: He what?

*Pam walks up to Clay and expertly shifts him from left to right.*

Clay: (stunned) How did you know that when he was wearing the smock?

Pam: Every detail, Clay. (she taps at the side of her forehead) Every detail.

Clay: Well, just for the record, I was, um, on the right in my other pants, and then I changed into those jeans, and I was going to, um, make myself more comfortable, but then I swear I heard that blonde woman standing outside my dressing room door. She was breathing really heavy, so I just zipped up quick and went to the set.

Pam: (surveying the handsome man in front of her) Well, Clay. I hope you're ready for some more heavy breathing. It's "showtime."

Pam

Posted by Nelle, who can�t help pointing out that Pam�s SkitClay is a BIG FAT LIAR about not touching anyone in SJ