2004-11-11
12:54 a.m.

Clay Deserves a Break Today

What I Did on My Vacation

by Clay Aiken

After three tours, two albums, a book, and a television show, I needed a break. So, even though it made my fans wail and moan and gnash their teeth, I took a few weeks off.

But I kept busy. First I bought some new clothes. (I hope the Broads notice the purple stripe. I picked it out just for them to match the shhhhhh purple roses they sent me.)

I was a little worried about this sweater, though. It's see-through! It's a good thing I noticed that or I might have worn it without anything underneath and everyone would have seen my tummy and my chest hair and my *whisper* clipples.

(What was that? Did someone fall over?)

I wonder if anyone will notice my new jeans.

(There it is again! Nick, make sure no one got hurt.)

I don't get it. They're just jeans.

(Enough of that!)

I also found my bronzer. I thought I'd lost it. What a relief! Although it's odd. It's almost like someone had hidden it. Who would do that? And why?

Now, most guys would spend their vacation just sitting around.

But not me. I used my free time to do some arts and crafts projects.

(I think mine turned out best.)

And to do some coloring.

(Nick, what's that popping noise? What do you mean, "ovaries"?)

I like to make people happy.

(No lady, I didn't mean that way. Lordy!)

So I went to McDonalds

to lend a hand.

To dig in and get my hands dirty.

(Nick, why is everyone giggling when I say "dirrrty"?)

That's when I discovered that my hands are bigger than the average guy's. My fans have commented on that before, but I never understood why.

O mah word! Did that woman yell what I think she yelled? Doesn't she know this is a family page?

You stop that right now!

Broads! What am I going to do with them?

(Not that!)

--by Katynka