Lecherous Broads For Clay Aiken!
Lecherous Broads for Clay Aiken!


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2004-11-26
10:24 a.m.

Christmas Traditions at The Ranch

When Clay Aiken returns to the Double-O Wild BEVR Ranch this Christmas, the Broads will pull out all the usual stops, and a few more they never expected [although they'll likely either blink or vibrate.]

Oh, sure, it will only be our second year together at The Ranch, but technically that's enough to make anything we do into a Tradition. We have many year-long Ranch Traditions, Nekkid Twister being a particular favorite, but the holiday season is a time for festive foods, joyful noises, sparkly decorations, and that special feeling of togetherness that only comes once a year. [Okay, I know that sounds like your typical day at The Ranch, other than that coming once a year thing, but trust me, it's different. We get a tree. And elf hats to match our tassels.]

THE RANCH CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

FESTIVE FOODS

It's no secret that Cookie Wendy is in charge of The Ranch kitchen, and though she's very open about sharing her creations, she keeps her recipes tucked away in her....apron, guarded by an army of spatulas. But the holidays are a time for sharing, so all the Broads, and even Clay himself, are invited to join in the preparation of special Christmas treats.

[Note: Only Clay is allowed to lick the spoon. Only Wendy is allowed to hold it.]

All the Broads enjoy quick-n-easy microwave recipes, especially when there's fresh hot Clack standing right in the same kitchen. Miss Faye was kind enough to share her recipe for Cow Patties with the Broads. In spite of the questionable name, Cow Patties are actually a kind of oatmeal cookie. [As a bonus, Clay always giggles when we say the name, so although we may never understand guys' fascination with toilet humor, we'll keep on saying it.]

The Broads take turns measuring and mixing the dry ingredients, but Clay is best suited for the job of, um, getting things wet. On top of that, just as Wendy is territorial about her kitchen, Clay is territorial about his milk. He buys several gallons a week, but to date, no one is sure if he's buying whole milk, 2%, 1% or skim. Or perhaps a combination.

Look at his protective, affectionate stance. Does anyone really want to get between a man and his milk?

Of course, certain broads take it upon themselves to handle, inspect, and measure everything at the ranch, and it's up to Clay to dish up the consequences.

[Did I say "certain" Broads? I meant "all" the Broads.]

Making and then eating Clay cookies with Clay is the perfect way to top off an easy afternoon of snow angels and sleigh rides. But some of the more vigorous ranch activities necessitate more sustenance. During the holiday season, what could be more filling than hearty sausage balls for dinner and a vanilla yule log for dessert?

Sausage balls are quick and easy to prepare, but the Broads have discovered that not only is there an art to the actual cooking, but there's also room for creativity in their presentation. Most Broads prefer the traditional spherical "ball" shape, and are happy to arrange a meaty pair on their plates. Other Broads, preferring to place only one piece of meat on a plate, mold the sausage mixture into one long, cylindrical "roll" shape. [If you're really hungry, best to opt for the "Full Package Deal" - it even comes with a toy.]

Regardless of whether they're eating one piece or two or more, all Broads like their meat fleshy and firm. We don't want it so undercooked that it's still "walking across the plate"

That's just not good. And certainly no one wants their meat so tough and overcooked that they have to chew and chew and chew without getting anywhere. So be sure to check your balls or rolls often for doneness. You'll know they're ready when they're warm right through and still responsive to the touch. If you're ever unsure, just ask Clay. He'll know.

"Dinner is prepared! Dig in, everybody!"

JOYFUL NOISES

Look at these pictures....

Okay. Did you hear some noises? Emanating from within? Those are joyful noises, my friends.

SPARKLY DECORATIONS

Christmas is the time that we trade in our tiaras for our stocking elf caps, but the Ranch still lights up with festive, shiny decorations, starting with the glimmering lights at the front door.

Of course we have a festive wreath at our entrance, welcoming Clay to come inside.

Last year, all the Broads enjoyed creating Clay-inspired ornaments for the tree - bows and balls, tassels and tinsel. This year, Clay has gifted us with balls of his very own!

Every Broad has an emergency pair on hand at all times, but since two in the hand are worth four in the bush, multiple pairs of Clay balls will dangle alongside last year's hand-crafted ornaments, amidst the limbs of our majestic tree.

Just as he did last year, Clay has the job of hiding the Christmas pickle. According to tradition, the first Broad to find Clay's pickle will receive a special gift and is also destined for a year of happiness [or at least ten minutes]. A tip for Clay - go even deeper this year. Last year, your pickle was just too easy to find!

Remember that turn around is fair play at the ranch. For every pickle that Clay hides, a Broad hides a sprig of mistletoe somewhere either on the property or on her person. Who remembers Hide-N-Seek being so much fun?

However, not all our decorations are so sparkly or playful. This is about tradition, after all. And for some reason, Clay really enjoys the tradition of having the "Tackiest yard." Fortunately, Broad Cotton has shared her magical duct-taping talents with Clay and the other Broads. We've created wreaths, snowmen, reindeer, angels, and even a functioning sleigh, all from duct tape. It's flexible, durable, and all kinds of tacky [well, two kinds anyway]. And if Clay happens to find himself accidentally duct-taped to a wall every once in awhile, well, heck, that qualifies as a tradition as well.

A TIME FOR SHARING

We understand that Clay did a lot of taffy-pulling while growing up in North Carolina, and we've continued that tradition here at the Ranch. The Broads love to gather around and listen to Clay talk about working on his "yanking, jerking, and pulling" technique.

He tells us back in the day his family would cook the taffy and take it outside in the cold to pull it. Here at The Ranch we let him do all his pulling in the warmth of indoors. Unless he wants to do it out in the snow, of course. "My mom used to practically rip my arms out of my sockets when we pulled taffy together. She told me I should pull harder, like it's a chainsaw. Hello! I mean, I mow a mean lawn, but I've never actually handled a chainsaw."

[But he has actually handled a mic stand; The Broads think his technique is mighty fine.]

"Besides aren't chainsaws used to make things shorter? I'm kinda partial to long limbs, thank you."

[No argument from the Broads.]

"When mah Broads grab the end of that length of taffy, they work with me instead of against me. We have the same goal. We jerk and yank and pull in unison, for however long as it takes, until it gets stiff. Sometimes we get into a really good rhythym, and I can't believe how hard it gets. Pulling with the Broads is definitely a fun, satisfying experience. I wish they would pull me, um, with me all year long."

The holiday season wouldn't be complete without the giving and receiving of presents. Clay is, of course, meticulous about stuffing every Broad's stocking till it's bursting. But what do you get for your fabulous rock star boyfriend who has everything? Fortunately, while the Broads do not subscribe to the notion that the "best gifts come in small packages," they do believe that "the best things in life are free," and give accordingly. Clay looks pretty pleased.

"Ah'm looking at my gift right now. Happy Holidays."


Pam, Wendy & Nelle

Thanks to Ressamac for the wreath

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